Hi Madison - you are definitely not alone with this (unfortunately). I was just skimming through my past entries about my AH who just recently died of an overdose. Many of the same things happened between him and me - which started around the time of his aunt passing away in June 2010.
In total, I think from that time period until Nov 2011 when I just had ENOUGH, he left the marriage about 7-8x always citing me as the cause of him going... (I was a b*tch, a nag, lazy, he didn't find me attractive anymore, he didnt think we had anything in common, I didn't care enough about my appearance, I didnt trust him (the only thing he had bang on)... There was loads more, but it was always so he could go use without guilt.
When he finally left for good, I was relieved and glad to see the back of him mainly because I was at the end of my rope and the last month he was around was pure hell. It wasnt my husband anymore ... instead in place was a very verbally abusive addict who was turning into a monster. He almost hit me twice, raising his fist at me because I was "nagging too much" and then laughed afterwards when I started to cry and threatened to call the police if he touched me. I would have believe me but he backed away and mumbled something about not wanting to touch me anyway (intimate or otherwise).
I truly believe Chris got into some heavy, nasty stuff during those last few months we were living together. His main doc was crack, but in sure he was doing anything from speed, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. This is what he died of - a cocaine/opiate combination. I'm thinking it may have been a speedball or something just as lethal...
I mourn his death ... Of such a fecking waste of life and the man that was my husband. However, I'm also not ignorant or naive to forget the truly darker more sinister side of him due to these horrible drugs and HIS choices.
it's a normal part of filtering through stuff to get to the other side of healing, but it's also good to allow ourselves to move on and drop these bad memories (or forgive them) along the way. It's a process - one that is different for each person.
Just keep seeking truth and living by it and it won't steer you wrong.
Faith, hope and love are also great as well.
Big hugs,