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bad memories today

Old 08-27-2012, 10:02 AM
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bad memories today

I havenít had contact with my AXBF for awhile now but looking back, it still makes me shiver to think about how verbally abusive he was when confronted about drug use. He was horrible. Towards the end, I knew he was using by how angry he was when confronted. God, he was such a manipulator. In the end, I always found out my instincts were right. The worse he got was when he was abusing opiates and Adderall and Xanax. My god, you never knew what person you had in front of you. Thatís when he got really vicious. Have any of you experienced anything this brutalÖÖ.Ēyou are a fín little evil bitóh, you deserve to rot in hell, I canít believe you would think I was on drugs again, you are an evil bitch, Iím so sick of you telling me who I can and cannot talk to, move on to some other guy to put up with you being an asóhole, I mean on and on and on. It still to this day amazes me that someone could one day be sweet and loving and turn into this raging evil maniac. Towards the end at least I knew I didnít need to find the pills as evidence that he was using anymore. I just went by his reaction. Iím trying so hard on my bad days to read as much as possible on here to understand this was drugs but it is extremely difficult to separate him from the drugs. Even on drugs, I donít think all drug addicts act this way do they?

The best part is when they throw out the ďI canít be with you., I am so tired of fighting, I donít wanna talk about the last two years (yea, because you donít remember any of it drug addict), I would never use drugs again and thatís all youíll ever think of me (yea, because youíre still taking them), I just want to move on with my life and find happiness so we need to stop this back and forth.

Did you all experience this level of rage? Not sure why Iím having such a hard time with this today but some days the memories of these words that were spewn are too much to deal with.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:18 AM
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Not all of them act this way. Some are very good at hiding it but I believe eventually they do make a person act that way. Drugs will always show their true nature to the people who take them. These people who take them (the people we care about!) are not living for the quality of life anymore, they live for their drugs.
I didn't know my ABF was using entire month of August and I just found out 2 days ago. He tried to lie to my face and tell me I'm a horrible person for believing that he was and then he switches it around and complains that I should have known sooner! Oh they can't make up their mind about which bullsh*t story they are going to use next.

My ABF claimed he couldn't be with me because he suspected I was using too (the mentality that if he does it, everyone must be doing it) and cheating. I wasn't do neither and he tries to make me beg for forgiveness and apologize. As if.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:27 AM
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Oh yes, I was accused of cheating and doing inappropriate things. One night we were out and I started small talking with a guy that was waiting for the bathroom. My ex tried to accuse me of "saying sexual things" to this guy when he walked up to us. Whaaaaat?!?! Then another night we were walking home he thought I was trying to leave with another guy so he left me and walked home alone. Seriously? I mean how many drugs was he possibly on that night. It's making me laugh a little at least right now. I don't get it.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:31 AM
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Madison, it's no wonder you're still having bad memories. You're the victim of horrible abuse. It'll take time for those memories to fade away. Yes, I've experienced those levels of rage, although the subject matter was different. It's all mean and abusive, and hard to get out of your mind. It will get better with time. Take care of yourself.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:35 AM
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Yep. I was accused of sleeping around with his co-workers on Saturday when he was at work with them, he came up with some bogus excuse that I was screwing around in the lunchroom :rotfxko I don't get how that is even possible but alright, whatever works for you, pal. He flipped his lid and called me a 'wh*re' and told me to get out of his house (we lived together and I was on the lease too but I have somewhere safe to go and I wanted to get out).

It does make me laugh a little bit but that is seriously messed up. How could they take something that makes them behave that way? It's not normal, it's not rational and it's NEVER okay and this is what drugs do, they make someone into a unreasonable, cold, selfish, narcissistic lunatic. And they keep doing it no matter what happened last time...
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:37 AM
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((madison))

for me I found with my exah - sometimes it was the different drugs, sometimes it was the withdraw from the drugs ~

either way - the behaviors were totally unacceptable ~

prayers of healing and recovery for you!!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:39 AM
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I don't know how. Whats even more sick as they are being abusive to you, they are popping pills the entire time and blaming you for being crazy. I didn't find out about the Adderall until much later. It made sense. He got way crazier when he added that to the Vicodin and Xanax cocktail.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:39 AM
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My daughter spewed venom like this and more.

Drugs rewired her brain to protect and sustain addiction.

I allowed and empowered her words to traumatize me. I eventually sought therapy. EMDR therapy has a terrific track record helping people cope with trauma.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:44 AM
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It is traumatic. Even when they're not calling you names, it can be traumatic. I remember hearing the "you're going to drive me into the ground and we need to stay away from each other and move on so I can pull my life together". I for a second believed I was the crazy one. Now I know it was for him to sustain his addiction. He never wanted me around to ruin that, to ruin the high or to tell his family. Let me know how your lifes gets turned back together pal. Last I heard he was still addicted to Vicodin, Xanax and Adderall, oh and drinking. . . oh and probably still selling drugs, eventhough he's lost his drivers license to two DWIs and drug possession charges a few years ago.

Can someone please remind me what I saw in this person? sorry feel like venting today.
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Old 08-27-2012, 10:49 AM
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I guess all I can say is work on you to get past dealing and trauma related to this relationship-get some counseling-and find out why you may attract addicts in your life. Learn to stay far away from that and how to find something normal.. good luck on your journey
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Old 08-27-2012, 11:44 AM
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We all see the same thing, Madison. Before the drugs, we usually see a sweet, charming and loving person. Nobody ever asks for this to happen and I have a hard time understanding why any of us attract addicts to begin with. Nobody wants to deal with the pain and suffering addicts bring in the first place so how can we always possibly know what's going to happen next?
I tried to bring him a good life to prove that there are decent and loving people in the world but he refused to believe it. I'm no angel but I have never touched a drug in my life and I was an occasional social drinker only.
They always want to forget their problems with drugs, a temporary solution that does nothing but cause misery in the end.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:33 PM
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Madison, my AS rages and abuses when he is using (although he rants on and on that marijuana is legal......). His words are evil.
I know my son has mental health issues, but the times he has managed to string some sober months together he is another person. The sweet child I used to know him as.

It is abuse and we do not have to wear it as our daily penance.
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Old 08-27-2012, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by madisonblake View Post
I havenít had contact with my AXBF for awhile now but looking back, it still makes me shiver to think about how verbally abusive he was when confronted about drug use. He was horrible. Towards the end, I knew he was using by how angry he was when confronted. God, he was such a manipulator. In the end, I always found out my instincts were right. The worse he got was when he was abusing opiates and Adderall and Xanax. My god, you never knew what person you had in front of you. Thatís when he got really vicious. Have any of you experienced anything this brutalÖÖ.Ēyou are a fín little evil bitóh, you deserve to rot in hell, I canít believe you would think I was on drugs again, you are an evil bitch, Iím so sick of you telling me who I can and cannot talk to, move on to some other guy to put up with you being an asóhole, I mean on and on and on. It still to this day amazes me that someone could one day be sweet and loving and turn into this raging evil maniac. Towards the end at least I knew I didnít need to find the pills as evidence that he was using anymore. I just went by his reaction. Iím trying so hard on my bad days to read as much as possible on here to understand this was drugs but it is extremely difficult to separate him from the drugs. Even on drugs, I donít think all drug addicts act this way do they?

The best part is when they throw out the ďI canít be with you., I am so tired of fighting, I donít wanna talk about the last two years (yea, because you donít remember any of it drug addict), I would never use drugs again and thatís all youíll ever think of me (yea, because youíre still taking them), I just want to move on with my life and find happiness so we need to stop this back and forth.

Did you all experience this level of rage? Not sure why Iím having such a hard time with this today but some days the memories of these words that were spewn are too much to deal with.
Good question.

My AXGF didn't have rage, per se. But she has a vicious streak ten miles wide. She is a sadist. What was strange, and actually very funny, about this is she has no self awareness. She dumped me via text message, sending a picture of her and the new fool -- I mean, guy -- and confessed to sleeping with two other men while living with me...and then she says that she now had dignity, class, and grace...things she never had with me...

< insert laughter here >

She really did her best to belittle me. Do I think about it? Sure. It pops into my head maybe twice a week. But I always remind myself that she's an addict not in recovery, a flaming Borderline, and anything that comes out of her mouth really can't be taken seriously. I mean, dignity? Grace? Who's she trying to kid?

There will be times we all get triggered and we remember things the addict did, or said. And that's OK. A great line I heard in Al Anon is "it's none of my business what you think of me." Don't give what your AXBF said or did any weight, or importance. What's ultimately important is how you view yourself.

Best,
ZoSo
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Old 08-27-2012, 01:00 PM
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I second the EMDR therapy the Outtolunch suggested, as well as talk therapy, to relieve you of the abusive memories. Another thing I learned in talk therapy was the idea of getting distance from a bad thought or feeling or memory. I guess it is kind of like the detachment we speak of here, but related more to letting the memory pass you by without hurting you all over again.

So for instance, say you start to remember an incident that hurt you, instead of feeling it, you think to yourself, "there's that memory again," and you think of it as something that is just floating by you, not landing on you, not sticking. It takes practice and patience, but I have found that it has helped me immensely with anxiety as well as healed me from a past with an abusive exH. It is also recommended that you try to not relive and recount all the painful episodes. Because he is my girls' father, I try to think of a good memory instead, and if I can't do that,which was the case for many years, I think of a serene beautiful place I love to visit, etc.
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:18 PM
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I too have experienced this rage and verbal abuse. I am new to this (or should I say just figuring out that I have a problem here). I am still in this relationship, he is in treatment for the first time, but I have many thoughts going through my head. How could I have put up with this for all these years. I keep telling myself it is way better than it was 20 years ago or even 10 years ago, but this is his first time in treatment (and mine). There are so many painful memories that revolve around around drugs and alcohol. It is extremely difficult to let that go. Right now I feel like I have to hang on to those so I don't make the wrong decision, but I hope in the future I will be able to settle those feelings and let them go. Even while he is in treatment he is still accusing me of having someone else and believes thats the reason I had him committed. (by the way I didn't have him committed, someone else called the police because he has been very confused, and disorderly in public.) So I guess those memories may serve a purpose, I don't even like to talk to anyone who might act or say something the way he would that would bring those particular memories to the surface. So maybe in a way they keep me safe. Sounds crazy huh?
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Old 08-28-2012, 03:29 PM
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Yes, madisonblake! Thanks for posting this! I often surf the net trying to work out what happened back then and why.
It wasn't my ex who did this, but the girl who used to be my best friend. I think she's on ice ???? I still don't know. I know she's on something.
The extent of the abuse (emotional/verbal) scared the **** out of me, and still does when I remember. I don't let people get too close to me these days.
She made me feel like I was going crazy, and I still don't know why she did it or what she was on - or even if she remembers!!!
Even the death of my ex didn't stop her. Phone call after phone call, text after text of pure poison.
It's so weird and sad. It's true what they say about it being a fine line between hate and love. She was like a sister to me, we grew up together. I sometimes felt she was crying out for help in a weird way, but the message got lost in the delivery!
I'm sorry you experienced this too. It's so confusing when someone you love and who has traditionally loved you too treats you like this. My confidence is still pretty bad, even if logically I understand it wasn't my fault. There's something about being talked to like that that's hard to shake off.
Many hugs xxx
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Old 08-28-2012, 04:33 PM
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Hi Madison - you are definitely not alone with this (unfortunately). I was just skimming through my past entries about my AH who just recently died of an overdose. Many of the same things happened between him and me - which started around the time of his aunt passing away in June 2010.

In total, I think from that time period until Nov 2011 when I just had ENOUGH, he left the marriage about 7-8x always citing me as the cause of him going... (I was a b*tch, a nag, lazy, he didn't find me attractive anymore, he didnt think we had anything in common, I didn't care enough about my appearance, I didnt trust him (the only thing he had bang on)... There was loads more, but it was always so he could go use without guilt.

When he finally left for good, I was relieved and glad to see the back of him mainly because I was at the end of my rope and the last month he was around was pure hell. It wasnt my husband anymore ... instead in place was a very verbally abusive addict who was turning into a monster. He almost hit me twice, raising his fist at me because I was "nagging too much" and then laughed afterwards when I started to cry and threatened to call the police if he touched me. I would have believe me but he backed away and mumbled something about not wanting to touch me anyway (intimate or otherwise).

I truly believe Chris got into some heavy, nasty stuff during those last few months we were living together. His main doc was crack, but in sure he was doing anything from speed, ecstasy, cocaine and heroin. This is what he died of - a cocaine/opiate combination. I'm thinking it may have been a speedball or something just as lethal...

I mourn his death ... Of such a fecking waste of life and the man that was my husband. However, I'm also not ignorant or naive to forget the truly darker more sinister side of him due to these horrible drugs and HIS choices.

it's a normal part of filtering through stuff to get to the other side of healing, but it's also good to allow ourselves to move on and drop these bad memories (or forgive them) along the way. It's a process - one that is different for each person.

Just keep seeking truth and living by it and it won't steer you wrong.
Faith, hope and love are also great as well.

Big hugs,
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