DesertEyes
Recovery is a process - a slow one. You get a little here, you take a little there, and you give some somewhere else. I didn't realize that right away. I wasn't getting it, that each little bit brought me somewhere new, but I was getting there with baby steps, not giant leaps. A month goes by, I read some past posts, and see the difference between then and now. This morning I woke up, and being Saturday, I had the opportunity to lie around in bed, and without my son home, I was undisturbed (my
A was working). I felt so relaxed, truly at peace. I realized that I was at another point in my recovery. I still remember when I felt like you are feeling. And I remember last month. The difference now - I look forward to next month. I look forward to finding out how much further I can go in this process. I look forward to bettering me, rather than fighting to make my loved ones into what I want them to be rather than letting them be who they are. I don't mean that to sound like I think that Mike was okay the way he was (during active addiction). I do mean that I can't force recovery on him. He had to choose that for himself. I mean that I have to accept what I can't change. I mean that I have to set boundaries and stick to them about what I will or will not accept. I have to detach from the things that are not within my ability to control. Some of those things I can do. Some of those things I struggle with. But the further I get in my recovery, the better I feel about those things. They begin to not feel so insurmountable. I can feel happiness now, not because Mike is in recovery. Because I am. Each day I improve upon me. Each day, I see something I handled better than I would have a month ago. Each day, I see something that once would have been an argument, but today, was a conversation. And all of those things are "just for today". Tomorrow, the conversation might be an argument. Nothing stays the same. You might want it to, but it won't. You might not want it to, but might find that you wish it had. Or, you might be completely thrilled with the difference. In the end, the only thing that is certain, is that tomorrow - it will change again. I'm not familiar with you exact situation. What I do know now, is that just like Mike had to find his own path and fight his own battle, so did I. Just like I can enable him, I can better support his good decisions, and detach myself from his poor decisions. I have to make things better for me. You will too. You've already started - you're here, you're at f2f meetings, you're posting, you're finding support. In one month, re-read your old posts. You'll see a difference. And you will see that it was YOU making the difference. Good luck. I can see in your post that you care alot about what has been happening in your life and your relationship. Keep working on you, keep taking care of you. Keep posting, posting, and posting.
Trisha