I'm doing ok.
To be honest...the not going to the liquer store is hard at times...I still "want to drink"....I don't know why, and don't care...I just have to not go. It's easier to fight going to the liquer store than fighting not taking a drink from the bottle in the bathroom...so I'm fighting that battle.
I got the bankruptsy progressed...did the thing I dreaded and took in the papers. Whats hard for me is I caved on my ethics. If I had not spent the money I have on this lawyer and if I didn't need this deal to be over I would have walked out of that office and said F*ck you to the legal assistant. I spent tons of time doing what they asked only to have them not require or want most of the stuff they asked me to do. But the worst was that of the 1.5 hours I spent with the legal aid person all but 10 minites was her shouting at me across the table her personal political views on the poor, Obama, social security, etc. I just nodded and tried not to let my total discust show on my face. I need this over, and so I sold out my beliefs for the goal. I will write the lawyer after this case is done and tell him I would never recomend him because his assistant is so unprofessional....but I just couldn't walk out or respond as I should have .... I have been dreading this for 6 months and I need to get past it....I can't tell you how much I wanted to drink after that meeting....but I didn't and it's over...
OK...living by your beliefs is hard. And sometimes my beliefs are wrong so it's really about integrity. The more I pretend, the more I want to escape, even if it is temporary and doesn't work..it's that few moments of not caring that I want. I'm holding strong, but seeing that I will have to make more changes to reflect some integrity. I think I'm making the changes ok at work, but it will take time and isn't great at this point.
Reading this..it could sound different then I intend. It isn't that I need things "my way" or that I don't work with those with a different opinion. It's that I need to be clear about boundries and honest about what I believe. My Lawyer's assistant..well I don't give a crap what she believes...it has no part in my case. At work...they do what they do, I just need to be honest in my assessments and frankly look for work where I'm not just a paper pusher. I know that's what I am right now, but I know I can do more in the right environment.
OK...it's high ho high ho time .... I'll check in soon.
PS...not much liking being sober, but it's no worse than being drunk so I am going to give this some time and some work towards change.
Nands