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Thought I'd check in

Old 08-10-2012, 06:54 PM
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Thought I'd check in

Hi,

Most people I knew seem to be gone, but I thought I'd check in. I'm struggling with sobriety and have set a drop dead stop date for next Wednesday. I hope to do it this weekend, but I do have a plan for stoping effective Tuesday night and I've managed to waffle my way into a bottle tonight. I really don't care how I get sober, but it doesn't seem to work when I try things I honestly don't believe and haven't when I did get time...

Anyways, I thought I'd post. I may not come back for months if I fail, but if I follow through on Tuesday I will plan to log on here for help. My AA group is no longer an option (burned all those bridges) and other than one AA freind who has stood by me, I have family (who don't need my problems) and myself to pull out of this. (please note that I am not critizising AA, just saying I burned people out and it might not have been a good fit).

I'm paying the concequences for my past drinking, and that is an easy excuse for not bothering to stop. However, I believe I have to make this decision and look for a way to do this regardless of others opinions, ideas and statements. I did it once, but I was a far stronger person then.

I'll check back Wednesday morning at the latest. Frankly, if SR secular doesn't meet my needs I'll still bully my way through. That sounds so negative, but I'm pretty fed up with everything. Helping others made me feel good, but in the end....I need... LOL well I don't know what I need! But at least trying to connect seems like a good thing.

Ananda
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:02 PM
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Nands

I'm really glad to hear from you

I recommend you keep posting here no matter what - I dunno about you but when I was down on the depths I really needed other people and their POV....

Keep checking in

D
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:28 PM
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Hi Nanda - Some of us are still here . You know we love you and are always hoping for the best for you. I'm so glad you posted - this time can be different - you can stay quit and reclaim your life for good.
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:45 PM
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Welcome back.

I like your mom's quote at the bottom of your post. :-)

Stick with us.
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:11 PM
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still lurkin in the shadows...Hi Nands ~huggles~
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Old 08-10-2012, 08:16 PM
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good to see you too Endzy

D
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Old 08-10-2012, 09:37 PM
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((((nands))))

We're here for you. Why not check in each day? Even if you don't want to. Especially if you don't want to.

I'm glad to see you here.
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Old 08-10-2012, 10:58 PM
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I totally understand it, the desire to stay in the shadows while still drinking. Yet it's so backwards when you think about it. The people who can benefit most from a recovery site -- and in many ways, who have the most to offer -- are those who are still struggling.

And if you're like me, Ananda, I bet that struggle is with drinking, not sobriety. I hope you and Endz stick around. Addiction, recovery -- no reason to go through either alone, ya know?
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Old 08-10-2012, 11:35 PM
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
I did it once, but I was a far stronger person then.
Forgot to say: That right there? I'd say that's the addiction talking. The limbic system, trying to draw you back down. Self-doubt struck me as one of the biggest threats, maybe even worse than the cravings themselves, because it's so much more subtle.

You can do this. In fact, you've never been better positioned to succeed. You've experienced more, learned more about it, probably found even more reasons to loathe it. And now you're here, reaching out. Yep, you're plenty strong enough to do this.
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Old 08-11-2012, 05:48 AM
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I am checking in, even though I've drank a few shots I'm not like incoherent or anything....

I appreciate the support. What I know right now is that drinking is killing me...but lack of hope is the worse problem. I've got to stop worrying about meeting others expectations of "being responsible". I've got to give up excuses to drink (I can turn anything into an excuse).

I went out with my dogs to watch the sunrise. When we moved here it was like a dream come true and now I hardly see the beuty because I'm drinking and people pleasing to cover it up 24/7. I know the benifits of sobriety long term won't show up in 2 days. I have to really commit.

Dee, Hevyn, Ezy and Paperdolls...a special thank you, although I thank all of you REALY. Sometimes the embarrasment is the hardest to overcome.

The basic plan is that Tuesday at noon is my last drink. I have Wednesday off and mom is going to be here starting Tuesday afternoon. I really wanted to stop today and have 2 days to be sick...but I can't seem to push my way through that. I'm still so tied to people....its like someone has to be watching me for me to get through the first 3-6 days.

I'm going to clean the kitchen today so the house doesn't smell....responsibility. I'm going to go grocery shoping so we have food and don't have to order out...responsibility. I quit school for the next few months so that I can't use it as an excuse. I quite doing dishes and taking out trash just 2 weeks ago...but thats a long time! My son has to distance himself from my alchoholism and I am proud of him for doing so. But he will work with me to get to the store (he wants to eat too).

Once I'm sober I can re-evaluate all this crap. Right now my focus needs to be don't pick up the stupid drink. If I quit drinking things are gonna be tough in terms of integrity (lost alot of that the last 9 months), but I do know that if I can get that back I might find some happiness/contentment/hope.

I may check in tonight if I'm not just wanting to whine. Hope I don't sound like a whinner...I understand I brought this on myself through my lack of sobriety. But I am where I am, and now I have to STOP DRINKING! deal with the initial pain, and change.

Ananda
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:21 AM
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Originally Posted by ananda View Post
If I quit drinking things are gonna be tough in terms of integrity (lost alot of that the last 9 months), but I do know that if I can get that back I might find some happiness/contentment/hope.
Ananda,

It's good to "see" you again, and I really appreciate your honesty.

I heard a definition of integrity that may be of some value: integrity comes from the same root as integer, a whole or complete number. Integrity is when ones words and actions are whole or complete. Your posts in this thread are an honest reflection of the reality of where you are, without varnish or spin. In that regard I would say you have plenty of integrity, ugly though the situation may be. The only place that integrity truly exists is now, past actions may be viewed with nostaglia or regret but have no bearing on your integity.

Good luck, sobriety is difficult but so very worth the effort.

Edd
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Old 08-11-2012, 01:53 PM
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EddieBuckle, you did it again - I was thinking the same thought. Leave the past behind - honor yourself by living honorably now. Become whole again, ananda. Be gentle with you, and accepting of things that just 'is'. This is where your happiness and inner peace are, they are waiting for you.
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Old 08-11-2012, 02:01 PM
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I hope your day has gone well Nanda and that you're able to want to be sober tonight too.
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Old 08-11-2012, 02:59 PM
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Hi Nands. Seems such a long time ago when we met on the chat with Daisy on Christmas day and had a good laugh. Only the likes of us could spend Christmas on a sobriety chat site. I am glad you are going to AVERT alcohol next week. Or why not stop now or in the morning? Lots of positive thoughts going your way from me.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:06 AM
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Hi,

I'm checking in...I need to get in the habit of this regardless. Even though I'm scared, I'm looking forward to Tuesday. It's weird because I'm fighting to not take a drink, fail, take one, fight again....it's the fighting over and over that's so wearing. I can't afford physically or mentally to just fall into the bottle and give up for 3 days....It's just so wearing and that's why I want to make this battle over and just stop....stop and not go back.

If I could take off work Monday and Tuesday I would ... and quit NOW. But that isn't possible. And I'm more afraid of what might happen if I show up obviously shaking and in detox than I am of getting caught drunk....they somehow fail to notice the alchohol on my breath. I set this quit date 2 weeks ago and have been struggling to avoid concequences ever since. I've always believed the problem with my alchoholism is that concequences are never enough to keep me or get me sober.

I've got some concequences coming down the pike and I really believe that the only way I will survive those concequences is if I'm sober when they hit. I've actually warned my family and friends that when I am sober they may not like the changes. It's very clear that my actions have to change and the going along with whatever isn't going to cut it anymore.

I'm not loosing focus...nothing I'm thinking right now will make a darn bit of difference unless I follow through and quit. Right now I want to be sure I'm fighting to not get myself so alchohol soaked I will have a rough detox (like there is any other kind LOL) and trying to clean up enough of the crap in my repsonsibilitys so that my mom doesn't walk in and give up. The rotton food and dirty pots are clean...the trash is 1/2 out. At least I don't wanna puke when I go in the kitchen and livingroom. I can't do a miricle especially if I'm still sipping on the bottle. But I can try HARD, and have a real committment. Posting here is my committment. I will not back out. I will stick to my quit date.

Thank you for tolorating a daily post for the next few days.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by December15 View Post
Hi Nands. Seems such a long time ago when we met on the chat with Daisy on Christmas day and had a good laugh. Only the likes of us could spend Christmas on a sobriety chat site. I am glad you are going to AVERT alcohol next week. Or why not stop now or in the morning? Lots of positive thoughts going your way from me.
December (hug) Back when we met in chat was a time where my sobriety and my hapiness with life was really great! I'm trying not to "hang on" to the past, but it is part of what makes me determined today! I know how good it can be. The companionship and fun that all of us had in the chat room that year was unbelievably awsome. It was the difference between just getting by and actually enjoying sobriety. Thank you for your thoughts December. I'm glad you said something about this. Things change and we can't go back, but we can go forward and create our own rewarding activites and relationships! Perhaps I'll see you in chat again. I pop in from time to time, but am a bit of a lurker...sobriety will change that!

Nands
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:36 AM
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You're doing good.
Get the rest of the mess outta house and your head.
if you can get it done finish the house and laundry.
eat something get some sleep
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:38 AM
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Just wanted to let you know I am following this thread and rooting for you. You can get and stay sober!
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:55 AM
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Hey ((((Nands)))) So very good to see you here!!

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Old 08-12-2012, 04:06 PM
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I'm really scared. After 13 months of not saying a word my son is suddenly getting nasty about me being a drunk.... It's ok...we worked through it but I'm affraid quiting is going to be opening myself up to alot more people being mad....I mean they said nothing for a year and now they come out of the wood work when I try to get sober....

No excuses...it's what I know I have to do...other's opinions don't matter... I need to follow through on my decision and do the deal. i'm just aware of how much I'm gonna face on day one, two and three....
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