Originally Posted by
scacra1 
I sit here now, knowing that i am 36, that within the next couple of months me and my ABF will be done, and i will be single again. Still wanting to meet that perfect man, still wanting marriage and children, still knowing that for me this will probably never happen, and a hard life of loneliness stretches out in front of me.
I believe this to be karma.
You see ABF and me have been together for 2 years, i met him at work when i was in a relationship, the relationship had hit difficult times and i felt like my partner at the time would never marry or have children with me... so instead of trying i just gave up, and within a month i was dating current ABF.
i didnt realise he was A at the time, he was so intense, he never left me alone, he showered me with love, his life was based around making me happy, he promised me children, marriage, love, life, fun, and a true soul mate.. and for a long while he demonstrated it, and i believed it.
now i watch it slip away, day by day, slowly but surely. i know he still wants what he promised, but like all A's... he cant keep his promise.
so i guess now, i will have to prepare to reap the consequences of my actions. A life alone, never to marry or have children and a life of hurt i carry about in my heart.
i feel angry with ABF for pursuing me and not leaving me alone, he knew what he was when he decided he wanted me, he never told me what he was, he lied and deceived me, and now i am paying for it. I guess i am most angry at myself though... for allowing myself to be so stupid, but i just didnt know, i honestly didnt.
do you believe in karma? is this my payback for leaving my then partner? i guess i should accept responsibility... but i feel cheated to as i was just trying to find true happiness.
I am going to be 36 this year, no kids, but think I would like to have them in my life.
I would not have looked at what I needed to look at to be a healthy, somewhat sane person, never mind parent without my relationship with an A. That does not mean it does not hurt, that I don't struggle that I might not be able to have the options of kids etc. I was codependent before meeting my loved one, and believe that he was put in my path for me to be presented with my learning edge (that does not mean I want to experience this learning again).
For example, I grew up with two ACOA parents (one a rage-a-holic), and a brother with ADD (and potentially a drinking/substance abuse problem of his own). I have a huge amount of alcoholism in my extended family. I did not grow up with physical abuse, sexual abuse etc so could never figure out why I was so "off". Who did I marry? A problem drinker with ADD and when he got frustrated (or drunk) a yeller. My relationship with him was a swift kick in the pants to get all the puss out of the wound so it could heal.
So where is your learning edges in these relationships? I am bias (about affairs, so take the next statement with a grain of salt), but where were you in your life or head that allowed you to start a relationship when you were already in one....and to continue that relationship even when it is not working for you?
You don't have to share those answers, but for me it is the digging of how I got to the choice points and made the choices I did that I am learning and growing from. Recovery for me is allowing space and options at those choice points that I did not know existed before. I have no doubt you will get to those too.