Karma.

Old 08-22-2012, 10:04 AM
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Karma.

I sit here now, knowing that i am 36, that within the next couple of months me and my ABF will be done, and i will be single again. Still wanting to meet that perfect man, still wanting marriage and children, still knowing that for me this will probably never happen, and a hard life of loneliness stretches out in front of me.
I believe this to be karma.
You see ABF and me have been together for 2 years, i met him at work when i was in a relationship, the relationship had hit difficult times and i felt like my partner at the time would never marry or have children with me... so instead of trying i just gave up, and within a month i was dating current ABF.
i didnt realise he was A at the time, he was so intense, he never left me alone, he showered me with love, his life was based around making me happy, he promised me children, marriage, love, life, fun, and a true soul mate.. and for a long while he demonstrated it, and i believed it.
now i watch it slip away, day by day, slowly but surely. i know he still wants what he promised, but like all A's... he cant keep his promise.
so i guess now, i will have to prepare to reap the consequences of my actions. A life alone, never to marry or have children and a life of hurt i carry about in my heart.
i feel angry with ABF for pursuing me and not leaving me alone, he knew what he was when he decided he wanted me, he never told me what he was, he lied and deceived me, and now i am paying for it. I guess i am most angry at myself though... for allowing myself to be so stupid, but i just didnt know, i honestly didnt.
do you believe in karma? is this my payback for leaving my then partner? i guess i should accept responsibility... but i feel cheated to as i was just trying to find true happiness.
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:31 AM
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Woah! Slow down girl!

That there is someone, or something "karma" out there trying to get you for leaving the past bf is, well...a little crazy thinking. No disrespect intended.
I understand how you got there, I have done it myself, but it is simply guilt that you are still carrying around for leaving that guy, and/or, a belief that you had a choice between two guys and you chose the wrong one. You hedged your bets--we all do--and it didn't work out--accept that, and then you can move along.

36 is young. You may or may not have children in your lifetime, but you still have years to work with that dream.
One word of caution--find the right guy, not simply a guy that wants kids (ignoring other issues and making a deal with the devil).

A hard life of lonliness in front of you?
Why would you set yourself up for such a life? Thinking along those lines will make that the result.
How about a little optimisim for your future!
You're young, gf. Between the ages of 36 and where I am now...I have lived several lives.
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:37 AM
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Heart of glass.. thank you, that was just what i needed to read right now, i just feel like this serves me right for leaving such a lovely kind honest man that i was with before. A turned my head and stopped me from trying, and ive never got over that. total guilt, you are right... that was a while a go now but i never can let it go.
i fell in love with my A, i do still love him now, i only worked out a few months ago that he was an A, and im at that stage where soon, i will tell him to go, although i love him more than i can say.
i guess my head is all over the place and i am thinking crazy thoughts!!
Thanks for taking the time so pass some sanity my way!
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:40 AM
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I truly believe that having a rigid 'plan' for my life and my future was the primary cause of most of my unhappiness. I created my own suffering by deciding what my life 'should' look like and being angry, sad, and disappointed when it didn't turn out that way.

Since I have let go of the 'shoulds' and started accepting what life gives me, my happiness has increased exponentially. It's really all in how you look at it. Life is a grand adventure, and what kind of adventure would it be if it all turned out the way we envisioned it?

You can choose to believe that you have a "hard life of loneliness in front of you," or you can get out there and live it to the fullest. Life is not determined by what happens to us, it is determined by how we handle what happens to us.

L
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Old 08-22-2012, 10:44 AM
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You have described my nickname on here and zoomed into its real meaning!

You are romanticizing what that other guy COULD HAVE BEEN. Who knows...he could have been a complete nightmare too, you'll never know. So let that fantasy go too...you have a real life ahead of you--you simply don't know what it is, or how it will play out yet. The unknown.
Congrats on considering a future instead of just the ABF...your life ahead is an adventure, you are the writer of your own life, write a good read, as i love to read a good book...become your own favorite storyteller.
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Old 08-22-2012, 11:23 AM
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If I were you that is not the story I would be telling myself.

I would be telling myself a much more wonderful story, one in which all of my hearts desires are included.

Karma isn't over until you , well, aren't here anymore. This so called Karma that you are now paying , well , what if it is just the next step to all of your hearts desire.

Please, write a new story for us, this one stinks, sorry, I don't like it at all.

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Old 08-22-2012, 11:34 AM
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Just my 2 cents but there was something wrong you boyfriend 1 otherwise you wouldn't have even considered moving on. Even if you can't articulate it something was missing at some level.

BTW, Karma doesn't have anything to do with being punished for what you did. It is simply the consequences of your choices. It is neither good nor bad. Now the big question is how do you choose to move on?

Your friend,
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:27 PM
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Well.....My story or the one I told myself was much like yours! I believe Karma is real but you could flip it. I didn't marry until I was 37 and it wasn't a good or bad marraige but the truth we were just there! We lived separate lives....totally separate lives! However, As far as I know neither of us were unfaithful but I waited many years to marry. Anyway, we get divorced mainly because I wanted something more instead of a contract! I hurt him bad even though he wasn't happy. He refused to have another divorce under his belt & this was my first/only marriage. Anyway, shortly after my divorce I got involved w/my now XABF. He had been my friend for 30 years and moved here for a job shortly after we split up. We started out friends then dating if you can call it that when your dealing w an A. I use to think this was my payback for hurting my XH but I now look at it that my XABF helped me find strength to get out/stay out my marriage. I wasn't happy in my marriage and wanted a marraige not a contract. I thought ......I'd rather be single and alone than married and alone! I think if my XABF had not been around than I would have fallen right back into the marriage. So, I use to always feel I was being paid back for hurting my XH because I truly went thru living hell/pain with the XABF. Oh, by the way my XH was married within a year of our divorce. So, I try to look at it like there was a reason idiot XABF came in my life....he helped me move forward and follow thru w/my divorce. I find myself thinking .....Gee I would have been so much better off just staying w my XH. At least he was nice, worked, good person but the truth is.....it wasn't a marriage and I wasn't happy just safe. So, Try to find the positive in things. However, I AM WAITING FOR KARMA TO GET A HOLD OF MY XABF. Soon I hope but then again ....I think he is living the hell he created!
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Old 08-22-2012, 03:54 PM
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I don't necessarily think it is karma, you were seeking happiness and you got involved with someone who hurt you. True, it is not right to find a new person while you're still in a relationship, but person #1 wasn't making you happy. The second person didn't make you happy either. Instead of focusing on them my best advice for you would be to focus on yourself and how you're going to be happy as a single person. You may meet someone yet to get married and have children with but hopefully it will not be an A.

I also became very angry at myself for getting into the relationship with an A. Honestly I did not know how much it would hurt until I was far too deep into it. I am still hurting a lot too, but it is best not to blame yourself too much, i think.
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Old 08-22-2012, 04:12 PM
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Do write a good story for yourself now. One with lots of health, joy, and fun and with many happy moments . . .a wonderful, surprising journey, of course with a "happy 'ending'" (even though it won't really be an "ending").
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Old 08-22-2012, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
I sit here now, knowing that i am 36, that within the next couple of months me and my ABF will be done, and i will be single again. Still wanting to meet that perfect man, still wanting marriage and children, still knowing that for me this will probably never happen, and a hard life of loneliness stretches out in front of me.
I believe this to be karma.
You see ABF and me have been together for 2 years, i met him at work when i was in a relationship, the relationship had hit difficult times and i felt like my partner at the time would never marry or have children with me... so instead of trying i just gave up, and within a month i was dating current ABF.
i didnt realise he was A at the time, he was so intense, he never left me alone, he showered me with love, his life was based around making me happy, he promised me children, marriage, love, life, fun, and a true soul mate.. and for a long while he demonstrated it, and i believed it.
now i watch it slip away, day by day, slowly but surely. i know he still wants what he promised, but like all A's... he cant keep his promise.
so i guess now, i will have to prepare to reap the consequences of my actions. A life alone, never to marry or have children and a life of hurt i carry about in my heart.
i feel angry with ABF for pursuing me and not leaving me alone, he knew what he was when he decided he wanted me, he never told me what he was, he lied and deceived me, and now i am paying for it. I guess i am most angry at myself though... for allowing myself to be so stupid, but i just didnt know, i honestly didnt.
do you believe in karma? is this my payback for leaving my then partner? i guess i should accept responsibility... but i feel cheated to as i was just trying to find true happiness.
I am going to be 36 this year, no kids, but think I would like to have them in my life.

I would not have looked at what I needed to look at to be a healthy, somewhat sane person, never mind parent without my relationship with an A. That does not mean it does not hurt, that I don't struggle that I might not be able to have the options of kids etc. I was codependent before meeting my loved one, and believe that he was put in my path for me to be presented with my learning edge (that does not mean I want to experience this learning again).

For example, I grew up with two ACOA parents (one a rage-a-holic), and a brother with ADD (and potentially a drinking/substance abuse problem of his own). I have a huge amount of alcoholism in my extended family. I did not grow up with physical abuse, sexual abuse etc so could never figure out why I was so "off". Who did I marry? A problem drinker with ADD and when he got frustrated (or drunk) a yeller. My relationship with him was a swift kick in the pants to get all the puss out of the wound so it could heal.

So where is your learning edges in these relationships? I am bias (about affairs, so take the next statement with a grain of salt), but where were you in your life or head that allowed you to start a relationship when you were already in one....and to continue that relationship even when it is not working for you?

You don't have to share those answers, but for me it is the digging of how I got to the choice points and made the choices I did that I am learning and growing from. Recovery for me is allowing space and options at those choice points that I did not know existed before. I have no doubt you will get to those too.
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Old 08-24-2012, 07:39 AM
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Thanks to every one, for the kind words. i just read a simple statement, you'll never find the right person, until you let go of the wrong person. how very true.
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Old 08-24-2012, 07:47 AM
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No, I don't believe in karma. I do believe that the choices one makes in life determines what happens to them, though. And I believe that if we keep making the same choices, we will keep getting the same results.

I think you have what I have, which is called "Black and white thinking." You may want to Google that term and see if anything pops up that helps you to change your thinking. Or, you can work with a therapist on changing this kind of thinking. You know what they say, and I am a true believer, "Change your thinking, change your life."

Try your best to live in the Present Moment and let life happen as it happens. I know, easier said than done. I myself have been stuck in the past, and crying, and letting it control me for months now.
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:14 AM
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My youngest daughter is now 25, she is watching her friends getting married, and starting families, and I know it tugs at her heart, as currently she is not in a relationship. I would like to share with you what I keep reminding her.

"There is nothing worse than being with "Mr. Wrong" when "Mr. Right" walks thru the door."

Everything for a reason, and all in due time. Life is something we cannot force. We just have to live it the best that we can. Attitude is everything. I can sense the negative vibes in your post. It is human nature to be attracted to positive, confident, kind and caring people. Your light cannot shine under the bucket, my friend. When we project positive feelings, we will attract the same.

I have to agree, time to write a new chapter for your own life. One that is about your true authentic self. Time to lift yourself up, and please know we are here to support you.

Be well.
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:37 AM
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Originally Posted by scacra1 View Post
I sit here now, knowing that i am 36, that within the next couple of months me and my ABF will be done, and i will be single again. Still wanting to meet that perfect man, still wanting marriage and children, still knowing that for me this will probably never happen, and a hard life of loneliness stretches out in front of me.
I believe this to be karma.
You see ABF and me have been together for 2 years, i met him at work when i was in a relationship, the relationship had hit difficult times and i felt like my partner at the time would never marry or have children with me... so instead of trying i just gave up, and within a month i was dating current ABF.
i didnt realise he was A at the time, he was so intense, he never left me alone, he showered me with love, his life was based around making me happy, he promised me children, marriage, love, life, fun, and a true soul mate.. and for a long while he demonstrated it, and i believed it.
now i watch it slip away, day by day, slowly but surely. i know he still wants what he promised, but like all A's... he cant keep his promise.
so i guess now, i will have to prepare to reap the consequences of my actions. A life alone, never to marry or have children and a life of hurt i carry about in my heart.
i feel angry with ABF for pursuing me and not leaving me alone, he knew what he was when he decided he wanted me, he never told me what he was, he lied and deceived me, and now i am paying for it. I guess i am most angry at myself though... for allowing myself to be so stupid, but i just didnt know, i honestly didnt.
do you believe in karma? is this my payback for leaving my then partner? i guess i should accept responsibility... but i feel cheated to as i was just trying to find true happiness.
I do believe in karma, but I don't believe in punishment. It is all just a process called life. We are here to learn lessons. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL hurt people (either intentionally or unintentionally).

No, you are not being punished. You are only guilty of taking a risk and loving another human being. Some people are broken, some people gravitate or attract broken people...... these are all lessons of self-love.

I am also 36 (as of today!!! ). Believe it or not, we are still babies. Do not give up on your dreams of true love and kids. You have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Don't sell yourself short....EVER.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:24 AM
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Karma? I think not. It is about our choices in picking an alcoholic and staying with him/her. The problem isn't outside, it's about us. I recommend Al-anon, a wonderful program that can help you make better choices next time.
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