The two themes that seem to run through your story are fear and truth. They are interconnected in ways that are more common than you might think. I would imagine that AA looks quite frightening to you, yet, dealing with these two issues is central to the approach taken by the AA program. IMO the solution will involve facing your fears. AA can provide a lot of support for that. Going to that first meeting, can however, arouse incredible fear. What you will find on the other side of those doors are a lot of generally happy people who have learned to harness their fears and deal with the truth. Here’s wishing you the best regardless of your path.