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Old 08-22-2012, 11:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
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New here...long story but I need to get it off my chest!


Hey, everyone. Glad I found this place. I've skimmed the forums in the past, but this is the first time I’ve actually registered and am posting. I'm going to apologize in advance if this is long-winded, but I've put some serious thought into what I want to say and think it's all relevant.

I started drinking as a teenager. Not a WHOLE lot, but enough that my parents locked up the liquor cabinet when they figured out my BFF and I were raiding the booze! I never was a partier so it wasn't like I was out every weekend. I also never drank alone but with my buddies.

Onward to my early 20's. Nothing too exciting there and every now and then I'd get tipsy, drank too much a few times, but never blacked out.

Fast forward to my early 30's...again, didn't drink a lot, but enough that my husband would frown upon my 2nd glass of wine with dinner.

Late 30's...husband gets laid off from his job in Feb. 2008 and accepts government assistance provided to him to pay for his "retraining." Essentially, this meant Uncle Sam would pick up the tab (tuition and books + unemployment benefits) for him to get his degree. In Summer 2008, hubby starts school full time going for a 4 year engineering degree (a very grueling schedule). We weren’t worried financially because was had paid our house off a couple years prior and I had a very good job that would keep us afloat money-wise.

In 2009, as my husband got more and more engrained in his school work, I spent more and more time alone, essentially becoming a “school widow” as they call it. I started drinking alone, taking nips of booze from the liquor cabinet at the end of the day, trying to take the edge off. At this time I got involved in Facebook and spent a lot of time there chatting with new “friends” and drinking while doing it.

In 2010, I started to realize that I was drinking a little too much and mostly I was drinking alone. I decided to ignore my best judgment because I thought I felt better after getting a few drinks in me.

In March 2011, I had finally had enough and went to my doctor. I explained to her my drinking problem and cravings I was having (for junk food and alcohol). Of course, I wanted a pill to “cure” me but she urged me to go see a drug & alcohol counselor and I conceded. I saw this counselor weekly for many, many months at the high cost of $75 per session. I didn’t run it through insurance because I didn’t want my employer (who just happened to be the insurance company) to EVER find out about my issues. Also, I didn’t want any future life insurance policies to have to take into considering alcohol abuse counseling for approval of a policy.

In December 2011, I had been sober since the March prior, I attended my company’s Christmas party. This was around the time I quit seeing my counselor. I was feeling strong and confident with my husband about to graduate from college the following week and knowing we would start to get to see more of each other because his schedule would finally calm down. I thought it was a good idea to have a beer at that Christmas party. Turns out my judgment was flawed. I didn’t drink, again, until the following week after my husband’s graduation when we went out for a celebratory lunch.

All I can say now is that the rest is history. My drinking has picked up, even much worse than before. Even though my husband and I started spending a lot more time together, a few stressful months passed before he was able to land a job. During this time, we started looking to upgrade to a nicer home which added to our stress levels. We closed on our new home about a month after my husband started his new job. Needless to say, the timing was bad and sent me into a tail spin of drinking…alone, as usual.

The home we bought needed some repairs so we took advantage of being able to live in our first home while doing some remodeling on the new home. With hubby being in a new job, that meant he didn’t have any vacation time and we have spent every weekend of the last four months at the new house getting it ready to move in. It has been a very stressful time and I drank more and more and then some more. Always alone and in hiding.

It has gotten to the point where I say things to him that I don’t remember, I’m not taking care of myself physically, my husband has started saying things to me like, “Your brain isn’t working right!” I don’t think he knows I am a closet drinker. If he does, he isn’t saying anything. I feel like I’m betraying him by hiding this horrible secret from him! He grew up with an alcoholic father so I’m pretty sure he recognizes the signs…or perhaps he just doesn’t want to face the pain that he grew up with and is choosing to ignore it. It kills me when he says, “I don’t know what’s going on with you!” and I lie to him and say, “I’m tired, is all.”

One thing that I am very ashamed about is an event we couldn’t attend because I was too drunk to make it there. Every year our city has a much anticipated road bike race and it’s attended by up to 20,000 + people. In Summer 2011, while hubby was in his last two semesters of school, we decided to make a reservation at the most expensive restaurant in town for the 2012 bike race. This restaurant is located right where the racers zoom by and if you want patio seating for the best viewing, you HAVE to make reservations one year in advance. We looked forward to this all year.

Well, earlier this summer on the day of the race, I decided to take a few shots of liquor (in private) to get loosened up. It was a very hot day and as we got in the car and headed downtown, it was too much for me to bear and I started to get violently ill. I leaned my seat back and my husband asked me if I was OK. He could see I wasn’t and turned the car around to go back home. I made him stop and I got out to throw up on the side of the road…he was holding my hand the whole time. We got home and I went directly to bed, crying for what I had let happen. We had anticipated this day for MORE THAN ONE YEAR and I f*#ked it all up!!! The next day I woke up and told him it was because of the heat and I was starting my period, which sometimes made me sick. Such a liar and I hated myself for it.

I didn’t drink for a week after that, thinking I might be ready to quit for good…again. But, no, that didn’t happen. I started back up and even was pretty drunk while we moved into our new home last weekend. My absentmindedness (i.e. my being drunk) is frustrating the hell out of my husband. This is when he always asks, “What is going on with you???” And I lie, and lie and lie! I’m so disgusted with myself.

I stopped drinking a couple days ago. I just can’t keep doing this to myself, to him, to US. After everything we’ve been through for 18 years and as hard as we have worked to get where we are today, I don’t understand why I am trying to secretly sabotage it all. What is wrong with me???

I have never, ever told anyone this story, so thank you for reading it.
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Old 08-22-2012, 11:48 AM   #2 (permalink)
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The two themes that seem to run through your story are fear and truth. They are interconnected in ways that are more common than you might think. I would imagine that AA looks quite frightening to you, yet, dealing with these two issues is central to the approach taken by the AA program. IMO the solution will involve facing your fears. AA can provide a lot of support for that. Going to that first meeting, can however, arouse incredible fear. What you will find on the other side of those doors are a lot of generally happy people who have learned to harness their fears and deal with the truth. Here’s wishing you the best regardless of your path.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I can relate! To so much. Hang in there, stay strong. We can do this! My friend, we can. Message me any time.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome!

I was the queen of sabotage, so I totally get it. Every time things were coming together, good, peaceful, I'd do something to cause upset. It took me a long time to admit that I was sabotaging myself, but once I did, I realized that it was due to growing up in a dysfunctional home. I had to convince myself that I deserved a good life. Everyone does.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for your reply, awuh1. You hit the bull's eye; AA does looking incredibly fearful to me. That's why I originally opted for private counselling. I may consider AA, but I need to think it over first. Bearing my soul in front of a bunch of strangers face-to-face scares the bejesus out of me!
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks, Anna. My home was pretty dysfunctional, as well. I attended an Employee Assistance Program training here at work this morning on the topic of trust. I thought it would be helpful since I don't trust anyone. They were talking about how trust and security are developed within the first 18 months of life and if you don't get it then, you will struggle with it forever. Thinking back, when I was 18 months old, my mother was more interested in canoodling with her then husband's best friend, as opposed to mothering her two children. Hmmmm. Interesting.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you, Sober. I would love to message you now if you have time.
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:57 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I can totally relate to everything you've said. I was a closet drinker too and have fobbed my other half off with telling him I was tired or my thyroid tablet dose was incorrect etc. I've ruined many a good night/day out in the past because of my 'thyroid problem' alias wine!!

I have rejoined S.R for the second and last time and I am now nearing the end of day 4, determined to be strong and honest with myself this time. I'm going to beat this.

My poor husband was also in the dark until recently when he actually caught me!! I think it was a case of 'those closest to you are always the last to know'.

I am full of shame for what I've done to him and my family and of course myself. I don't want that guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach any more.

You can do this. Keep posting and be honest with yourself.

Lots of love

Gxxx
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I do! Feel free.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Lovely post, Grace. Let's message eachother and chat, if you'd like. :-)
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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PiP The fear is IN you. Much of it is what you imagine. There is no requirement to speak AT ALL at a meeting. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. Soooo your imagination, (what you think might happen) has been holding you back. I suspect that it is so for many things in your life (just like for most alcoholics).

Want to be largely free of that? Walk through the doors. Then listen with a truly open mind. I smile just imagining your first post after you do.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Damn it, awuh1, you just made me tear up and I'm normally not a crier! :-) In all honesty, I am afraid of saying to my husband that I want to go to an AA meeting. What will he say to me about that? I really shouldn't be afraid because LAST time I quit drinking and told him my intentions to stopping, he was like, "okie dokie!" Why am I so afraid of being rejected???
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family! You've made a good decision to stop drinking. I quit over two years ago and my life is happier and more peaceful. I wish you determination and success.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:33 PM   #14 (permalink)
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PippoRossi, you are more than welcome to message me any time, as are all of you. I'll look forward to it. You lot are keeping me going, keeping me strong. I can feel the improvement from yesterday to today.

Big hugs

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Old 08-22-2012, 01:36 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Thanks, Least, that means a lot to me.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:41 PM   #16 (permalink)
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IMO The rejection will come if you don't address this thing honestly and openly. If you tell him your intention is to do everything you can to address the problem and to eventually make right all of the harm you have done, your chances are excellent. Will he be upset? Perhaps. But if he sees you going to meetings every day it will not take long for that to change.

Here is a link to call for meetings-----> Alcoholics Anonymous : Local Resources that provide A.A. Meeting Information

Consider going back to your doc for help with detox.

I think this story may have a happy ending.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:48 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thank you, again, awuh1. When you say that I need to address it openly and honestly, do you mean I have to fess up to him and tell him just how much I have been drinking? If so, that's so scary for me because I am sooooo ashamed of my actions. I probably couldn't even get through that conversation without blubbering like a fool! Even when I was seeing a counselor, she had enough....I guess you'd call it "respect" for me to not even go there and ask how much I drank. It was sort of a non-issue. Kind of like, why focus on the past when you are trying to work on the future. Does that even make sense?
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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The specifics of how much you have been drinking is not important to disclose right now, IMO. Focus on the solution. Take the steps.
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Old 08-22-2012, 01:59 PM   #19 (permalink)
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awuh1 - that's a relief. I don't want to cause more hurt by bringing up past ones. Hubby and I are taking a 2 day backpacking trip this Friday deep into the wilderness. It should be a good time to clear my head. And, if the time is right, I may talk to him. I will focus on the solution and take the steps. Thank you so much for the support!!!! You have no idea what it means to me at this point in my life. Also, I've found some meetings in my area that could very well work with my schedule. :-)
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Old 08-22-2012, 02:12 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Glad you joined the family, Pippo. You sound ready to reclaim your life, & we're so glad you're here. You aren't alone anymore. I found that SR lessened my anxiety over the whole thing. No one else in my life got what I was going through.

I would think your husband will be happy for you to make this change. He's been asking what's wrong with you, & what's going on. Now you won't have to lie anymore - and that'll be a relief for both of you. I felt so much better when I just put it all out there. You shouldn't feel shame or remorse - just excitement for this new life you're about to have - and the freedom from your addiction.
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