pauladmits

So yea, I remember why I stopped drinking hard alcohol. This feeling is atrocious. My brain feels like a mess, I'm moving slower than molasses, and I just want to get this day over with. But I'm running in to a major problem. I don't know if I want to start today. This is that friggin cycle that goes on every single day. I'm going to get sushi here with my gf in about 40 minutes and all I want is a drink to get rid of some of this pain. And I tell myself that only two beers would be fine. But we all know that is just another lie... the second I have two beers, I know I will want some wine tonight. Although I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to, yesterday I started noticing it creeping up on me. I notice more and more that I'm adding an extra beer or taking more from the bottle of wine than my dad.

And yesterday I completely broke and actually drank during the day. The sad part is I knew before I broke that I'm slipping a bit and needed to come back to this site, so I drank yesterday knowing full well I was going to come back here. It was like I wanted to get as much alcohol in my system before I started. That kind of rationale amazes me. I always think I'm a semi-smart dude, but I make decisions that only an idiot can make. Pounding as much alcohol as possible before you decide to "quit" is insane.

The only thing I know is I do not want to get back in that cycle. Right now, is about the time I would be sippin on some vodka and I'd be getting in my groove about 2-3 o clock and get some serious work in.

So I just want to open up lines of communication again. I have no clue what the future holds right now. My thinking is all over the place. On one hand I know all the power that comes with sobriety (well short stints of sobriety) and all the benefits of waking up with a clean mind and soul. But I also know the mental gymnastics that you have to go through on an hourly basis to get through the days and nights.

So I'm not coming here nearly at the point I was 2 months ago when I was absolutely hitting rock bottom in my life. But I never want to get to that position again, and I know day by day it is creepin up on me. Like a creature in the dark, just telling me, "one more won't hurt", "you'll start tomorrow", "you deserve it", "you don't have to tell anyone".

And that last one is why I'm here. Being honest and talking to myself through this site is the best thing I had going for me. All the support and stories and communication made it very easy to get through the day knowing full well that these voices are real compared to the voices you hear when you are all by yourself. That sounds a little like I'm a schizo... but if anybody gets what this means, it's you guys. So I come here humbly admitting that I can't do this on my own. I need help... and I know the one thing that helped me out so much was this site and the people here.