pauladmits

So yea, I remember why I stopped drinking hard alcohol. This feeling is atrocious. My brain feels like a mess, I'm moving slower than molasses, and I just want to get this day over with. But I'm running in to a major problem. I don't know if I want to start today. This is that friggin cycle that goes on every single day. I'm going to get sushi here with my gf in about 40 minutes and all I want is a drink to get rid of some of this pain. And I tell myself that only two beers would be fine. But we all know that is just another lie... the second I have two beers, I know I will want some wine tonight. Although I'm not drinking nearly as much as I used to, yesterday I started noticing it creeping up on me. I notice more and more that I'm adding an extra beer or taking more from the bottle of wine than my dad.

And yesterday I completely broke and actually drank during the day. The sad part is I knew before I broke that I'm slipping a bit and needed to come back to this site, so I drank yesterday knowing full well I was going to come back here. It was like I wanted to get as much alcohol in my system before I started. That kind of rationale amazes me. I always think I'm a semi-smart dude, but I make decisions that only an idiot can make. Pounding as much alcohol as possible before you decide to "quit" is insane.

The only thing I know is I do not want to get back in that cycle. Right now, is about the time I would be sippin on some vodka and I'd be getting in my groove about 2-3 o clock and get some serious work in.

So I just want to open up lines of communication again. I have no clue what the future holds right now. My thinking is all over the place. On one hand I know all the power that comes with sobriety (well short stints of sobriety) and all the benefits of waking up with a clean mind and soul. But I also know the mental gymnastics that you have to go through on an hourly basis to get through the days and nights.

So I'm not coming here nearly at the point I was 2 months ago when I was absolutely hitting rock bottom in my life. But I never want to get to that position again, and I know day by day it is creepin up on me. Like a creature in the dark, just telling me, "one more won't hurt", "you'll start tomorrow", "you deserve it", "you don't have to tell anyone".

And that last one is why I'm here. Being honest and talking to myself through this site is the best thing I had going for me. All the support and stories and communication made it very easy to get through the day knowing full well that these voices are real compared to the voices you hear when you are all by yourself. That sounds a little like I'm a schizo... but if anybody gets what this means, it's you guys. So I come here humbly admitting that I can't do this on my own. I need help... and I know the one thing that helped me out so much was this site and the people here.

Live2Run25

Welcome back. You do sound like a smart person! You got to really want to do this for it to work, even the slightest doubt will keep pushing you to make excuses. You can do it, we are all here for you!!

Fandy

get outside and go for a walk. Think about being sober and how much better you felt. I would NOT go and get sushi if it means beer and wine go with it. I would stay in and do something else, any activity that will take up your time.

Tomorrow AM (or this afternoon), you might consider getting an appointment with your primary physician and tell them the truth about your drinking, they will most likely help you detox at home and run some blood work so you can see where your liver enzymes are at.

freshstart57

Paul, what you are writing seems so very clear to me. I get it, I really do.
I hear the voice of your addiction there, and it sounds exactly like mine. It's very good that you are able to hear that voice clearly, and focus on it, even to be able to write down what it says. This voice knows exactly what to say to you because it can use your character, your intelligence, your experiences, your fears, everything that is you, to do its work on you one more time. That's all it asks, just get me one more drink.

Your voice is the same as mine too in that it has no power. It can't make you make a fist, raise an eyebrow, or go buy some beer. In order for this beast to get drunk again, it needs your permission and action. If you can understand that it has no power of its own, then it follows that all the power resides within you, Paul. Think on this for a bit - you have the power, strength, ability, it is you. You can choose not to drink, you can even choose never to drink.

This choice has to begin with a solemn vow and a real plan to take you where you need to be. There is both nothing more that is needed, and not a single thing less will do. Are you ready to make a plan about using alcohol in the future?

bjames

I agree with Fandy. Definitely talk to your primary care. There is no reason to make detoxing any more difficult than it has to be. Also, why not stay in and get some food delivered instead? Get a pizza and watch a movie or something. Again, why make it harder on yourself by going somewhere that has alcohol? Good luck! You are obviously very smart and insightful. What advice would you give to a loved one in the same position? You sure as hell wouldn't pour a drink down his/her throat. So treat yourself the same as you'd treat that loved one.

Fandy

I do NOT believe that anyone "gets their groove in and does serious work" by sipping on vodka starting at 2-3 in the afternoon. You are deluding yourself right there too. Romantic thoughts of booze.....baloney and you know it.

sorry, i don't mean to hurt your feelings, but reading that was ludacris.

MrsKing

Am just heading out so can't write much but I just thought I'd say welcome back. It's good to see you here, Paul. You can get back to that sober you. All you have to do is stop. Wishing you all the best x

2granddaughters

paul, are you going to AA meetings ?

All the best.

Bob R

Jeni26

Welcome back Paul. Keep posting, we're all here to support you x

Sasha4

[QUOTE=pauladmits;3542841]
]And yesterday I completely broke and actually drank during the day. The sad part is I knew before I broke that I'm slipping a bit and needed to come back to this site, so I drank yesterday knowing full well I was going to come back here. It was like I wanted to get as much alcohol in my system before I started. That kind of rationale amazes me. I always think I'm a semi-smart dude, but I make decisions that only an idiot can make. Pounding as much alcohol as possible before you decide to "quit" is insane.


I used to do that.
I would wake up and think never again, go to a meeting, feel better, think one won't hurt, stop for vodka, just a small vodka bottle, no a medium one is better value, drink it all and then repeat.

Or I would drink a lot. Feel bad. Read posts I could relate to on her. Cheer up a bit. Buy small vodka bottle. No medium one better value. Drink a lot. Think to myself does not matter, can read on sober recovery tomorrow. Wake up. Feel bad. Mope for a bit. Read on sober recovery. Feel better. Buy a small bottle..............

And on and on it went.
I think it's called white knuckling.

Dee74

Welcome back Paul.

I think I started to get somewhere when I realised that no matter whether I was drinking all day everyday, or managing to drink a glass or two to take the edge off I was still in the same cycle.

We need to make changes - real changes - to get out of the cycle.

Talking things through is great - and you're very open - thats good too...
but I think to get anywhere we need to add some action to that too.

There's a lot of good advice here. Seeing your Dr would be better than drinking again to feel better...I also hope you'll consider other methods of support and recovery besides SR as well....whether it's a recovery group, counselling or some kind of lifestyle changes.

You've been battling this for a while now.
Stack the deck for the outcome you know which is best for you.

The way to beat your ambivalence is to decide, once and for all, which side of the fence you're on... if you can't quite decide right now, act as if you have

D

Hevyn

Very glad to see you back and trying again. You can do it, Paul - there's no doubt.

faceitandfixit

[QUOTE=pauladmits;3542841]

And yesterday I completely broke and actually drank during the day. The sad part is I knew before I broke that I'm slipping a bit and needed to come back to this site, so I drank yesterday knowing full well I was going to come back here. It was like I wanted to get as much alcohol in my system before I started. That kind of rationale amazes me. I always think I'm a semi-smart dude, but I make decisions that only an idiot can make. Pounding as much alcohol as possible before you decide to "quit" is insane.


Paul, I completely get this. Let me share with you what I did the very last night before I made my final commitment to sobriety...
It was New Year's Eve, 2011...I decided I was ready to become sober and start my Day 1 the following day, Jan 1st. But before I did...
I went to the liquor store and prepared for my "Last Supper", so to speak. I had been drinking wine (I had switched off from my poison of choice, beer, to try and taper off in the months prior), so I went in to purchase some for my last glorious night of drinking. Did I buy a 750? No. A 1.5 liter? No. I bought a friggin 5 liter BOX of the cheap stuff!!! I had such a hard time "saying goodbye" that I actually cried my heart out when the clock turned 12 midnight and I hadn't finished the box!!!
I told my husband I didn't know what to do...I still had all this wine left but it was time to stop...He took such pity on me that he told me not to worry about it, just wait to quit until I had finished the box.
It was at that moment that I realized how ridiculous I was being...and I threw the rest of the box in the trash.
Thankfully, I will be sober eight months on August 1st. Regrets?? Not a one!

As Dee mentioned, you really need to absolutely decide which side of the fence you are on, and then take action.

You can do this Paul, and it is so very worth it!

EternalQ

When I decided to stop drinking alcohol, (meaning no alcohol of any kind for any reason) the way I saw it, there was good news, and there was bad news.

The bad news was: No one else could do it for me, but me. NO ONE.

The good news was: I didn't have to wait for anyone else, in order for me to quit. I only needed me. I only needed my own permission and cooperation to begin. So I gave myself the ok to begin, and I did.

Support and borrowing others faith in the beginning were a big part, for sure. But there is nothing you need to wait for in order to start.

All you absolutely require, is you.

Pondlady

Paul, It was your posts that inspired me to join SR. I will have 9 weeks tomorrow. Please use SR, plus something new, this time. I want to read your sober positive posts - think how many other people you could inspire......like you did for me.

Anna

Paul, you know that I've had faith in you from the start.

I know you want to recover and I believe that you will.

You're stuck right now in the downward spiral and it's really hard to get out of it. Take the leap of faith and know that you can stop drinking and get back to working on your recovery.

pauladmits

Thank you very much for this. It means a lot. Now you have inspired me to continue on and given me some hope. I need to get back. That was such a fun month and a half. Every day was a new breakthrough and challenge. And what's sad is I figured once the thread stopped that I can drink couple days before I start a new one. And those couple days turned in to over a month. Although it wasn't a horrible month, it was still at least some consumption of alcohol every day. The thing I learned from the last time was how much I hate hangovers, so I was able to still have those conversations about when to stop. But then each week, slowly, that stopping point increased and increased until the other day I actually drank at 12 o clock in the afternoon and slowly drank throughout the day.

So I'm not here completely broken, but I realize that I was slowly being consumed by alcohol and slowly waking up later, not being as productive, having to fight off the mornings a little bit, etc. The sad part is I'm still convincing myself that now that I learned the signs and stopped it from completely creeping back in my life that I can slowly gain control again. But I know deep down inside that I have no control over it. That what people say about completely giving up alcohol for life is the only thing that will truly set me free. I haven't got to that point yet, I'm slowly getting there, but I don't want to reach a new rock bottom before I do. So any communication at this point is good, any days of not drinking is a plus. I just need to get back to taking this on day by day. And this forum is awesome for that!!

Thanks again!!!

pauladmits

I'm just to young, dumb, stubborn, and arrogant right now. I know I'm not going to counseling just yet, or to AA meetings. I might set an appointment up with my doc because I think that I can get away with that. Sad part is I'm planning on lying to my parents and my gf that I'm going to just get a regular physical. I do not want them knowing at all. And it's really bad, but I don't want them knowing because I don't want them stopping me if I want a drink because I know what kind of drama that would cause. I do not want my girlfriend telling me that I can't drink or my parents telling me I'm not allowed to drink or that I shouldn't, or praying for me every morning, etc. I just want them out of it. I don't know how else to say it.

I know that if they knew my problem, they would do anything for me and help me out as much as possible. But they are just too much for me to handle. And I know that's not the worst problem to have in the world, but if you want a drink and someone is telling you, you can't... it creates a lot of a stress and I just don't want that. Even after this month of failure I still want to do it on my own with the help of this forum. One of my goals when I first got here was to get out of my room and start living life again. I contacted everyone of my old friends, I have a social life now, went camping and couple road trips, go to any store at any time, I can go to restaurants and just get two beers so I can drive home... went hiking in about 5 different spots.

I have been busy, I have really felt good about life but I just felt that little monkey creeping back up. I missed church this last sunday because I didn't want to wake up from drinking too much wine, I bought that alcohol in the day... I knew the second that started happening again that I needed to come back here and stop it in it's tracks. I still haven't actually started, but I just want these conversations back. What you guys say and the encouragement, advice, and stories is just awesome. It is a constant reminder that you can do it each and every day.

Anyways, thanks for being there. I hope I do not sound like I'm not listening to your advice and I think I know better. I don't, I'm just explaining what my gut is telling me.

Pondlady

Keep trying. You have so much energy and enthusiasm for trying new things, it's a shame to diminish your vitality with alcohol. See your doctor and be honest......you don't need to confide about your appointment with family and gf........that is confidential information. I confided in my doctor this Spring. She uses an electronic system called " My Chart" for communicaating test results etc. I was fascinated by it and was reading it thoroughly...until the words " Alcohol Dependance" jumped out at me I thought sh*t.....it's part of my medical record. But you know what? It was / is, part of my medical record...and she is doing her job to help me. Seeing those words really made an impact on me to change.

EternalQ

It is enormously helpful to receive support that meets us right where we are. In fact it might even be necessary to recieve that kind of support in order to get the courage to risk making a change. It is also extremely helpful to be supported by people who have successfully made the kind of changes we only dream about. They help us know it is possible. But they also share their wisdom. Point out the landmines and landmarks. They KNOW the road. SR can bring you both of these kinds of support. It is priceless help. And it surely has prolonged my life, and saved me from spending the rest of my life in hell.

But sometimes we need more than SR can provide.

Sometimes it is worth it to clear your own path. I think when we were young most of us felt that way. But maturity is what helps us see when to find our own way, and when to ask for directions.

I can understand you flailing against feeling told what to do, by SR, by family, by your girlfriend. But surely there are things from the past where you have known that to listen to expert advice was the best thing. In sports for example, did you listen to coaches? Did you learn from them? Were you less than because you took their advice, or did it improve you? Could you have figured it all out without them? Or gotten as far, as fast?

I say this because I feel individual counseling offers something extra that you're not getting here. It is totally private. Your parents and your girlfriend do not have to know why or where you're going, or even that you are. The spots where you are getting stuck may take a very long time for you to work out on your own. You may even never work them out, and just keep spinning. What a shame that would be for you, as the spinning is not necesssary.

With counseling you could become self ~aware more quickly. And it is obvious you have great drive and a great capacity for insight, and a hunger to know yourself better. Those are not common traits in a young man, Paul. Because you have them, you have great potential for creating a happier more satisfying life. I sincerely hope you will consider it.

Because you really deserve that life, Paul. You really do.