Your pain and unhappiness come through quite clear in your post, Violet. You are stuck on the fence. Drinking isn't making you happy, quitting scares you.
I know how difficult change is. I spent years and years "thinking" about quitting. All the while my "drinking" got worse. Finally I quite thinking about it and quit.
My life has never been better. Commit. Go to AA if that is what it takes. Being worried about meetings and becoming dependent on them is a weak argument your addiction is telling you. Even if it was true, is it worse than being dependant on alcohol? No matter what recovery method you choose, you will have to work at it daily. You drink daily, you might as well do something every day to keep from drinking.
Don't waste the years you could be sober mired in drinking and feeling sorry for yourself like I did.