Having a hard time with committing to sobriety!
I posted this on the class of August forum. But I am reposting it here because I could really use some advice/insight on how other people quit. I recently attended a SMART recovery meeting. I drove 40 miles back and forth because there wasn't one in Miami and I really wanted to try an alternative to AA. Sadly, I was dissapointed. Even the moderator seemed tired and unmotivated. It was a small group and all they basically did was whine. I went home and drank. I now feel I should just find a local AA meeting and stick to it. However, after reading Rational Recovery I feel afraid I will become dependent on meeting forever. I don't know what to do. I am not sure I agree with the author's point of view.
I have had some sober weeks but they are few and far between. My main problem is I have no supprt.
I have noticed that every month around the time I am going to get my period I drink excessively and I cannot control it. I notice the change in my mood and the shift in my relationship with my daughter right away. I work as a nurse in a high school and school just started yesterday. I have to be up at 5:50 and at wor by 7:20 and send my daughter off on the bus to her high school by 6:20. You would have thought I would not have drank Sunday night but I did. 5 little bottles of sutter home which is more than a bottle. I felt sick and tired yesterday when I got home and had to nap. Yesterday I also had the same amount. It is like I sabotage myself. I don't think long term like how I am going to feel the next day. I just seek the immediate gratification. I guess because I feel I have no partner and no other source of pleasure or social life. I know I should enjoy the little things bla bla. I have read many spiritual books and been involved in courses, retreats, workshops etc. I have also had psychotherapy, meds, etc. I take pills as well. Sometimes I feel like I am losing touch with relaity. it is very scary. But the bottom line is I am in a rut and I am just making it worse by continuing to drink. I don't know if I am going to be joining the September class. I feel like I am just setting myself up for failure. I so wish I didn not have to decide every day whether to drink or not. I wish I could just be normal.
I am sorry for the long post but I feel I have no one to talk to about my feelings and I needed to vent.