Hey Slim,
I have been tapering. I dig the improved clarity, and definitely love rolling out of bed at 5 a.m. trying to get dressed for work without feeling like my whole head is going to explode at any moment.
Seeing such young people being eaten away by their addictions hit me pretty hard, too. Some of them were my age, or not much older. It's also very eye-opening to me to hear that a lot of people relapse after rehab. My plan is to not do that by any means necessary.
I remember detoxing last time. It was not fun. Not as bad as I imagined it would be, but not something I would want to keep repeating. Someone on this forum (I can't remember who exactly) said that on their last detox, they wrote their whole experience down as a reminder, so if they ever get the urge to pick up a drink, they can read what they wrote and be reminded of exactly where that decision is going to inevitably lead them again. I want to do that this time. I started drinking again having completely blanked out my entire detox and subsequent 2 weeks of sobriety. That needs to not happen this time.
I don't have a specific plan in place yet, but I'll be taking with my addictions counselor about that at length on Wednesday. Thinking I'll give AA another go. Being told to do a 30 in 30 or a 90 in 90 doesn't sound as impossible as I once thought it did. Honestly, if I dedicate even 1/3 of the time I spend drinking to going to meetings or something, that task is simple. I have to remember that. Doesn't matter if it's figuring out where SMART meetings are, going to a therapist - whatever. it. takes. I need to continue seeking help, and continuing to acknowledge that I cannot ever be a normal drinker. Ever. It's not so scary to write that out anymore. I've been reading Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham - it's helping me understand that I really AM powerless from a physiological standpoint. There's a lot of interesting info in that book.
Coming here helps. Thinking back just on the last year of my drinking career helps. A lot of moments come to mind where I think, "Is it really worth risking doing THAT again?" There's just nothing positive in it for me anymore. The bad far outweighs the good. There's no sense to keep doing something that has a million more cons than pros.
Once I learned that I was alcoholic, I couldn't unlearn it. Once the thought is in your head, it's always going to be there. Every drink is going to make me feel like a failure to some extent. I'm looking forward to all the good that is going to come out of stopping. People say that if you want what someone has, do what they do. I want sobriety, so I'm doing what I see other people doing to be successful and keep pushing through and asking for help when it gets hard. I can do this.