An Intervention marathon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: McLean, VA
Posts: 22
An Intervention marathon.
I've been laying in bed literally all day watching the show Intervention. While I cannot say that my habit is as bad as some of those on the show, over the course of the day I found myself relating to a lot of the stories. In hindsight, it really doesn't matter if I am "as bad" as them. If I let this continue, someday I will be.
This is going on week two of working toward a solution. I'm anxiously awaiting my addiction assessment on Wednesday this week - at that time, I will know what the best way will be to treat my alcoholism. Til then, I have been advised to not make any drastic changes in my habits, which I hate.
I want to be off this stuff and start the work to a healthier life. Today, I really didn't want to drink. I am not enjoying drinking anymore. Awareness of my issues makes it impossible to pick up a beer without thinking, "There you go again." Every beer makes me feel worse about myself. But in keeping with doctor's orders until Wednesday, I had to. I made it until 2 p.m. without a thing. I'm usually 5 beers deep on a Sunday by then. I was feeling so sick and shaky, my stomach hurt. I felt nauseous. Utterly horrible. I had enough energy to get up and shower, put my PJ's back on, and get back into bed. I haven't had half as many beers today as I normally do. I'm only maintaining until people who know better than I tell me what the next step is. I hate that my habit has gotten so bad that I can't even quit when I really want to without risking some potentially fatal side effects of withdrawal.
One thing that stuck with me as I watched the show today was, during an intervention, one of the family members said, "It doesn't get any better than this." Usually people say that when they're in the midst of enjoying something amazing, and they're exclaiming that it's the best thing ever. Only in this case, the addict's case (and now my case), they mean it doesn't get better than this if they choose to keep drinking. It continues downhill. These thoughts, these feelings, this hopelessness - not going to bet better with time, only worse. And with as crap-tastic as I feel having spent a beautiful sunny day in bed, it was worth it having spent that time reaffirming that I'm so ready to be done with drinking.
Thanks for reading.
This is going on week two of working toward a solution. I'm anxiously awaiting my addiction assessment on Wednesday this week - at that time, I will know what the best way will be to treat my alcoholism. Til then, I have been advised to not make any drastic changes in my habits, which I hate.
I want to be off this stuff and start the work to a healthier life. Today, I really didn't want to drink. I am not enjoying drinking anymore. Awareness of my issues makes it impossible to pick up a beer without thinking, "There you go again." Every beer makes me feel worse about myself. But in keeping with doctor's orders until Wednesday, I had to. I made it until 2 p.m. without a thing. I'm usually 5 beers deep on a Sunday by then. I was feeling so sick and shaky, my stomach hurt. I felt nauseous. Utterly horrible. I had enough energy to get up and shower, put my PJ's back on, and get back into bed. I haven't had half as many beers today as I normally do. I'm only maintaining until people who know better than I tell me what the next step is. I hate that my habit has gotten so bad that I can't even quit when I really want to without risking some potentially fatal side effects of withdrawal.
One thing that stuck with me as I watched the show today was, during an intervention, one of the family members said, "It doesn't get any better than this." Usually people say that when they're in the midst of enjoying something amazing, and they're exclaiming that it's the best thing ever. Only in this case, the addict's case (and now my case), they mean it doesn't get better than this if they choose to keep drinking. It continues downhill. These thoughts, these feelings, this hopelessness - not going to bet better with time, only worse. And with as crap-tastic as I feel having spent a beautiful sunny day in bed, it was worth it having spent that time reaffirming that I'm so ready to be done with drinking.
Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Well, if your doctor advised you to no go cold turkey, I suspect your assessment will be easy -- you are an alcoholic, you probably need medical detox (a given if you are shaky after cutting the beer consumption in half?) and you will require some sort of program in hopes of obtaining lifetime sobriety.
Posting and reading of other experiences here will only help in your resolve. My detox was deadly. I don't say that to encourage you to wait to stop, but rather to encourage you to seek medical attention.
Beer and benzos was my demon, and it was thanks to medical help and AA that I approach two years of sobriety in a few weeks.
Are you willing to go to rehab if that is what your doctor suggests?
Posting and reading of other experiences here will only help in your resolve. My detox was deadly. I don't say that to encourage you to wait to stop, but rather to encourage you to seek medical attention.
Beer and benzos was my demon, and it was thanks to medical help and AA that I approach two years of sobriety in a few weeks.
Are you willing to go to rehab if that is what your doctor suggests?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: McLean, VA
Posts: 22
At this point, I am willing to do whatever it takes. If it means going to rehab, then I am going to rehab. I am tired of feeling like a zombie version of myself. Tired of shutting myself in at night because I'm too drunk to do anything else. I'm tired of relapsing, and finally got over thinking I didn't have a problem (oh, the stories we tell ourselves...).
This is not the life I thought I'd have. This is not the life I want. It's interfering with the things I want to do, and making me feel less and less like doing anything except coming home and drinking til I pass out. I'm sick of it.
I've been reading a lot of stories on SR for the past couple of weeks that have only reaffirmed my determination. It helps me a LOT. I love the support and honesty from everyone on these boards.
This is not the life I thought I'd have. This is not the life I want. It's interfering with the things I want to do, and making me feel less and less like doing anything except coming home and drinking til I pass out. I'm sick of it.
I've been reading a lot of stories on SR for the past couple of weeks that have only reaffirmed my determination. It helps me a LOT. I love the support and honesty from everyone on these boards.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I find that you can be so much more productive on a night time when the drink has gone.
I used to sit around unil I felt it was 'late' enough to start drinking.
Then I would just sit and drink.
I would get nothing else done.
Jobs and tasks at home seemed to pile up and that sressed me out and i would deal with it by drinking more.
Now I actually plan to do things cos I want to and I enjoy them.
I'm not housebound by 8.00pm because I was over the limit to drive.
In fact nowadays i am quite irritated by people who do want to sit around boozing and do nothing else but. It feels like a massive waste of time.
It's a lovely freedom to have and you will have it soon.
Don't take any risks. Follow what the health professionals advise. they have tons of experience in this area.
Good luck to you.
I used to sit around unil I felt it was 'late' enough to start drinking.
Then I would just sit and drink.
I would get nothing else done.
Jobs and tasks at home seemed to pile up and that sressed me out and i would deal with it by drinking more.
Now I actually plan to do things cos I want to and I enjoy them.
I'm not housebound by 8.00pm because I was over the limit to drive.
In fact nowadays i am quite irritated by people who do want to sit around boozing and do nothing else but. It feels like a massive waste of time.
It's a lovely freedom to have and you will have it soon.
Don't take any risks. Follow what the health professionals advise. they have tons of experience in this area.
Good luck to you.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
In hindsight, it really doesn't matter if I am "as bad" as them. If I let this continue, someday I will be.
So awesome to see you get on it and get working right away.
Come back and share how the assesment went .
Or actually dont wait that long, come back just to come and read, post, and chat.
Good love, Inda
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Rosecity:
Sounds like your making good progress in sticking with a plan...I just read your older thread 3rd attempt in T-minus... you are doing everything you said you would do.
Have you been tapering down at all from your beer?
For some reason, I watched an episode of Intervention yesterday, the one about Nichole, the 25 year old who drank ~18 beers a day. For me it was painful and eye opening to see how much damage excessive alcohol could do to someone so young. It was also striking to learn that she was drunk within 24 hours of being released from a 90 day program. I thought about that a lot last night as I was trying to go to sleep, wondering if there is a way that treatment could be more effective in preventing such a fast relapse.
With your Intervention marathon, did watching those programs help you at all in terms of what you want out of a recovery program? If I were in your shoes, I would be making a list of things that I want to make sure get covered in recovery.
"And with as crap-tastic as I feel having spent a beautiful sunny day in bed, it was worth it having spent that time reaffirming that I'm so ready to be done with drinking. "
I'll be thinking of you...you definitely sound like you are ready.
Sounds like your making good progress in sticking with a plan...I just read your older thread 3rd attempt in T-minus... you are doing everything you said you would do.
Have you been tapering down at all from your beer?
For some reason, I watched an episode of Intervention yesterday, the one about Nichole, the 25 year old who drank ~18 beers a day. For me it was painful and eye opening to see how much damage excessive alcohol could do to someone so young. It was also striking to learn that she was drunk within 24 hours of being released from a 90 day program. I thought about that a lot last night as I was trying to go to sleep, wondering if there is a way that treatment could be more effective in preventing such a fast relapse.
With your Intervention marathon, did watching those programs help you at all in terms of what you want out of a recovery program? If I were in your shoes, I would be making a list of things that I want to make sure get covered in recovery.
"And with as crap-tastic as I feel having spent a beautiful sunny day in bed, it was worth it having spent that time reaffirming that I'm so ready to be done with drinking. "
I'll be thinking of you...you definitely sound like you are ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: McLean, VA
Posts: 22
Hey Slim,
I have been tapering. I dig the improved clarity, and definitely love rolling out of bed at 5 a.m. trying to get dressed for work without feeling like my whole head is going to explode at any moment.
Seeing such young people being eaten away by their addictions hit me pretty hard, too. Some of them were my age, or not much older. It's also very eye-opening to me to hear that a lot of people relapse after rehab. My plan is to not do that by any means necessary.
I remember detoxing last time. It was not fun. Not as bad as I imagined it would be, but not something I would want to keep repeating. Someone on this forum (I can't remember who exactly) said that on their last detox, they wrote their whole experience down as a reminder, so if they ever get the urge to pick up a drink, they can read what they wrote and be reminded of exactly where that decision is going to inevitably lead them again. I want to do that this time. I started drinking again having completely blanked out my entire detox and subsequent 2 weeks of sobriety. That needs to not happen this time.
I don't have a specific plan in place yet, but I'll be taking with my addictions counselor about that at length on Wednesday. Thinking I'll give AA another go. Being told to do a 30 in 30 or a 90 in 90 doesn't sound as impossible as I once thought it did. Honestly, if I dedicate even 1/3 of the time I spend drinking to going to meetings or something, that task is simple. I have to remember that. Doesn't matter if it's figuring out where SMART meetings are, going to a therapist - whatever. it. takes. I need to continue seeking help, and continuing to acknowledge that I cannot ever be a normal drinker. Ever. It's not so scary to write that out anymore. I've been reading Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham - it's helping me understand that I really AM powerless from a physiological standpoint. There's a lot of interesting info in that book.
Coming here helps. Thinking back just on the last year of my drinking career helps. A lot of moments come to mind where I think, "Is it really worth risking doing THAT again?" There's just nothing positive in it for me anymore. The bad far outweighs the good. There's no sense to keep doing something that has a million more cons than pros.
Once I learned that I was alcoholic, I couldn't unlearn it. Once the thought is in your head, it's always going to be there. Every drink is going to make me feel like a failure to some extent. I'm looking forward to all the good that is going to come out of stopping. People say that if you want what someone has, do what they do. I want sobriety, so I'm doing what I see other people doing to be successful and keep pushing through and asking for help when it gets hard. I can do this.
I have been tapering. I dig the improved clarity, and definitely love rolling out of bed at 5 a.m. trying to get dressed for work without feeling like my whole head is going to explode at any moment.
Seeing such young people being eaten away by their addictions hit me pretty hard, too. Some of them were my age, or not much older. It's also very eye-opening to me to hear that a lot of people relapse after rehab. My plan is to not do that by any means necessary.
I remember detoxing last time. It was not fun. Not as bad as I imagined it would be, but not something I would want to keep repeating. Someone on this forum (I can't remember who exactly) said that on their last detox, they wrote their whole experience down as a reminder, so if they ever get the urge to pick up a drink, they can read what they wrote and be reminded of exactly where that decision is going to inevitably lead them again. I want to do that this time. I started drinking again having completely blanked out my entire detox and subsequent 2 weeks of sobriety. That needs to not happen this time.
I don't have a specific plan in place yet, but I'll be taking with my addictions counselor about that at length on Wednesday. Thinking I'll give AA another go. Being told to do a 30 in 30 or a 90 in 90 doesn't sound as impossible as I once thought it did. Honestly, if I dedicate even 1/3 of the time I spend drinking to going to meetings or something, that task is simple. I have to remember that. Doesn't matter if it's figuring out where SMART meetings are, going to a therapist - whatever. it. takes. I need to continue seeking help, and continuing to acknowledge that I cannot ever be a normal drinker. Ever. It's not so scary to write that out anymore. I've been reading Under the Influence by Milam and Ketcham - it's helping me understand that I really AM powerless from a physiological standpoint. There's a lot of interesting info in that book.
Coming here helps. Thinking back just on the last year of my drinking career helps. A lot of moments come to mind where I think, "Is it really worth risking doing THAT again?" There's just nothing positive in it for me anymore. The bad far outweighs the good. There's no sense to keep doing something that has a million more cons than pros.
Once I learned that I was alcoholic, I couldn't unlearn it. Once the thought is in your head, it's always going to be there. Every drink is going to make me feel like a failure to some extent. I'm looking forward to all the good that is going to come out of stopping. People say that if you want what someone has, do what they do. I want sobriety, so I'm doing what I see other people doing to be successful and keep pushing through and asking for help when it gets hard. I can do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Hey Rose-
Thanks for answering my questions and yes, you do sound ready.
Like the idea of writing down your experience with detox/rehab.
You communicated well in writing, so if you don't keep a journal, keep posting here. You can always go back and read your old posts to see where you've bee, what you've been feeling at different points in time and how people responded.
Yup, SR is a good thing.
You'll be in my thoughts.
Thanks for answering my questions and yes, you do sound ready.
Like the idea of writing down your experience with detox/rehab.
You communicated well in writing, so if you don't keep a journal, keep posting here. You can always go back and read your old posts to see where you've bee, what you've been feeling at different points in time and how people responded.
Yup, SR is a good thing.
You'll be in my thoughts.
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