Tyvm. Alateen is something I will definitely look at, I hadn't thought of that before now. I am also thinking of asking for some adolescent counselling as he is now moving into that age bracket, maybe we will have more luck there.
One of the most difficult things to answer is 'Why didn't Mum love me enough to stop?' I heard another mother in rehab on TV say something along the lines to her kids that 'if love was enough, I would have stopped a long time ago'. I don't want him to think that her problems were anything to do with him, but so hard to explain to a child. They easily internalize and blame themselves for what is going wrong.
I think he also has some issues with guilt. The last time he was taken from her, my sister had collapsed, he thought she was dead and dialled emergency services, they sent an ambulance and put them both into hospital. He later said that his mother was angry with him because of course she got found out. When he said to her 'Mum, did I do the right thing?' she told him 'No.' and that has stayed with him.
I have tried to explain that he did all he could do. If there hadn't been intervention then... something might have happened to him as well.
Addiction of course runs in families, I have had my own problems but am now clean and sober. I remember being taken to hospital in an ambulance myself, of course at the time I wasn't happy about it but later I recognized that it was all that the people around me could do.
My father was also a very heavy drinker, who has sorted himself out and has been okay for the past 20 years. He seemed distant and remote when I was a kid, but we have a much better relationship now and he has been very supportive. I find in myself though some of the traits of an ACOA so I guess should look through more of that material for myself too.
I try to keep reminding myself too that my nephew is his own individual, I tend to freak out over very small things that I notice in him and maybe in some way I am projecting some of my own past, or his mother's past onto him, which doesn't seem right to me. Especially last year, he seemed willing to do anything he could to impress his peers, and that set off an alarm bell for me, as I think that was how his mother first became involved in taking drugs/underage drinking. And unfortunately if they don't get involved in some form of recovery, we all know where it takes them.