My XAH abandoned me long before we separated. He stopped being there for me emotionally. He stopped being a partner and became a burden to me. Eventually, he stopped being there even physically. He would much rather be alone and drink than spend time interacting with me and our children. And the more he abandoned us, the more I clung to him. The more I needed him.
What I've since learned is that this is not rational behavior for a self-sufficient, independent adult. The problem is, the part of our brain that stores memories doesn't understand time. It matches feelings and circumstances to things we have felt and experienced before and recreates the trauma. If the first time you were ever abandoned was as an adult, it would hurt but likely not feel devastating. If, however, you were abandoned as a child, as many ACOA's like me were, it feels like the end of the world. It's the brain recreating the trauma from childhood and it feels just like it did when I was three, or six, or twelve, or any of the other times my parents weren't there for me when I needed them.
So, the real question is not "how can they abandon us so easily?" but, "why is it so devastating when they do?"
L