Blogs


Notices

why is it so easy for As to abandon us?

Old 08-15-2012, 12:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
why is it so easy for As to abandon us?

I'm struggling, but better everyday. Just don't understand how someone you give so much to leaves you so easily. I know I am significant, especially to my children, just don't know how he could be so cold and callous. This is what hurts the most.
sweetteewalls is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to sweetteewalls For This Useful Post:
cricket123 (08-15-2012), DefofLov (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), Shadydeal (08-15-2012), StJG (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-15-2012), ZiggyB (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 12:34 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,783
I feel your pain... I broke up with an XABF and days later he was already parading a new girlfriend as if our story together did not exist. As if I never existed. This shock has been the most painful moment in my life.

I do not know why they abandon others easily, I assume it is because they abandon themselves. Let it to him and God/HP to sort out. Meanwhile take care of you, show up for YOU and keep using the tools to heal. It does get much better, it has been years for me, and I no longer wonder about this or think about him much. I never thought I would be able to move on. But I did

Do not carry things that are not yours.. let him worry about it, not you...
Hugs
TakingCharge999 is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to TakingCharge999 For This Useful Post:
BunnyNest (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), Learn2Live (08-18-2012), mrsbrownie (08-15-2012), owathu (08-15-2012), StJG (08-15-2012), Sungrl (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 12:51 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Survivor
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Because alcohol and anything that helps facilitate their ability to use it matters most.
DefofLov is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to DefofLov For This Useful Post:
android1 (08-15-2012), BunnyNest (08-15-2012), lillamy (08-15-2012), Lulu39 (08-15-2012), MsGrace (08-18-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-16-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), ZiggyB (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 12:54 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Blog Entries: 6
He is under the influence, he is dead, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

For me, once I made the switch between having a relationship with a person to having a relationship with an addiction things got a whole lot easier.

The man you love, loved, etc.... is not in the picture, when he is somewhat lucid, all that speaks to him is his next drink, next fix, next pleasure, his next mind numb. He is incapable of reasoning, his addiction is in control of his life, his actions and the way he lives his life are completely under the control of his addicted brain. He is lost, you are simply a way to his next drink, when you become anything else, you are just in the way.

Your relationship with him is controlled by his need to feed his addiction, that is the cold hard, but simple truth about the situation we find ourselves in. There is very little that makes sense or is believable in addiction. It is chaos and it will destroy you if you do not get away.
Katiekate is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to Katiekate For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), cr995 (10-25-2012), fhl41 (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), Learn2Live (08-18-2012), mdh0723 (08-19-2012), owathu (08-15-2012), PeacefulMe (08-15-2012), Shadydeal (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-16-2012), tjololo (08-15-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), ZiggyB (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:00 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Just don't understand how someone you give so much to leaves you so easily.
I have learned in my journey that every single thing that bothers me about others gives me a small clue of something I need to work on within.

Do you feel that when you "give so much," someone then owes you something? Love, loyalty, devotion? Do you give to others in order to get something back? These are not questions that need be answered on the forum, but just some examples of questions I (with the help of my therapist) needed to ask myself when I was feeling abandoned. As a result of looking within, rather than trying to figure him out, I learned that I was setting myself up to be hurt.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (08-15-2012), Helenlee (08-16-2012), Linkmeister (08-17-2012), m1k3 (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-16-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), Tuffgirl (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:05 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I read something somewhere that said: the person who put the most into a relationship has the most to lose.

To me that about sums it up.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to m1k3 For This Useful Post:
Carly2332 (08-16-2012), DefofLov (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), JustaBloke (08-16-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), LifeRecovery (08-15-2012), lillamy (08-15-2012), mrsbrownie (08-15-2012), MsGrace (08-18-2012), owathu (08-15-2012), Sanity2012 (08-15-2012), Shadydeal (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-16-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), Tuffgirl (08-15-2012), ZiggyB (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:28 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Ha - right after my A. and I broke up he went on a huge drinking binge and began hitting the bars. They don't want to feel any sadness, instead they self-medicate it away...
ZiggyB is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ZiggyB For This Useful Post:
owathu (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 01:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NJ
Posts: 13
i feel the same way......20 yrs i have known my DH, 18 years together and 12 next month married....he left me and the kids in march and says that he is past it.......
SadinNJ is offline  
Old 08-15-2012, 05:12 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
owathu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Of course it hurts to think that we are so disposable. It's heartbreaking to think that all you two had together was a lie and that it is so easily gotten from someone else. The problem is, you are thinking that he is actually "thinking". He's not, he's reacting, which is different. There is no real thought process when you are abandoned by an alcoholic.

They just want to make sure that nothing impedes their numbing of their pain. So, they move on to the next "drink" because the drink you gave is empty, the next drink, and then the next drink and then the next one will always be guaranteed to be full. It has everything and nothing to do with you. The everything is that you've decided enough, the nothing is what they are looking for.

It is a blessing in disguise. I am still in the early stages myself, but I already know, it's not me, and it is me, it's me because I said, NOPE, No more. It's not me because he is not him.
owathu is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to owathu For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), mdh0723 (08-17-2012), OhBoy (08-16-2012), SadinNJ (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), ZiggyB (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 05:19 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Abandonment is a traumatic experience. It is helping me to read about it and what it does to your emotions and thoughts about yourself. Also, the more I read here and go to Al-Anon, the more truth is revealed to me about what has happened to me in my relationship with A&AXBF. It is horrible how people who you sincerely care about, help, and take care of can leave you at the drop of a hat with no sense of loyalty, commitment, or concern for your well-being, despite the promises or vows they have made. It has also helped me in the past to read about sociopaths because I recognize sociopathic traits in so many active alcoholics and addicts I have known.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), CatLover1234 (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), JustaBloke (08-16-2012), mdh0723 (08-17-2012), mrsbrownie (08-15-2012), SadinNJ (08-15-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 05:43 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
Here's the thing...

...and this is my opinion only. For some alcoholics it isn't-- they are the ones that stay and fight. No matter how many times they relapse they pick themselves up and keep fighting for sobriety and recovery. Some succeed, some don't, but they fight to the bitter end.

For others it is easy and the reason is that they never loved at all. You were simply the current enabler for whom they had to maintain the illusion of loving you in order to keep you enabling. And, when you stopped enabling, you no longer had a purpose and had to be replaced. For that type of alcoholic you are no different than the tires on a car. When they wear out your replace them, and the only angst around it is that it's kind of a pain in the ass to replace them and you may need to spend a little dough to buy the new ones (unless you can find somebody else to pay for them, and that's what they specialize in).

It's as brutal, uncaring, and as simple as that.

My two cents.

Cyranoak
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 23 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), BunnyNest (08-15-2012), fourmaggie (08-15-2012), GettingBy (08-15-2012), JustaBloke (08-16-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), Leise (08-16-2012), LifeRecovery (08-15-2012), lillamy (08-15-2012), Linkmeister (08-17-2012), lizziegirl (08-16-2012), m1k3 (08-17-2012), MemphisBlues (08-17-2012), mrsbrownie (08-15-2012), ObstructedView (08-15-2012), OhBoy (08-16-2012), PeacefulMe (08-15-2012), Shadydeal (08-15-2012), ShootingStar1 (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), Tuffgirl (08-15-2012), ZiggyB (08-16-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 05:48 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Brutal it is, Cyranoak.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 08-15-2012, 05:54 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7
Why would they need any of us, when they will ALWAYS have what they treasure and NEED most, alcohol...
healthymeghan is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to healthymeghan For This Useful Post:
TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), ZiggyB (08-16-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 06:51 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My XAH abandoned me long before we separated. He stopped being there for me emotionally. He stopped being a partner and became a burden to me. Eventually, he stopped being there even physically. He would much rather be alone and drink than spend time interacting with me and our children. And the more he abandoned us, the more I clung to him. The more I needed him.

What I've since learned is that this is not rational behavior for a self-sufficient, independent adult. The problem is, the part of our brain that stores memories doesn't understand time. It matches feelings and circumstances to things we have felt and experienced before and recreates the trauma. If the first time you were ever abandoned was as an adult, it would hurt but likely not feel devastating. If, however, you were abandoned as a child, as many ACOA's like me were, it feels like the end of the world. It's the brain recreating the trauma from childhood and it feels just like it did when I was three, or six, or twelve, or any of the other times my parents weren't there for me when I needed them.

So, the real question is not "how can they abandon us so easily?" but, "why is it so devastating when they do?"

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 20 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), CatLover1234 (08-15-2012), Cyranoak (08-17-2012), fhl41 (08-15-2012), GettingBy (08-15-2012), Helenlee (08-16-2012), Knitter (08-16-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), LifeRecovery (08-15-2012), Linkmeister (08-17-2012), lizziegirl (08-16-2012), m1k3 (08-17-2012), mdh0723 (08-17-2012), SadinNJ (08-15-2012), Shadydeal (08-17-2012), ShootingStar1 (08-16-2012), SundayGirl2012 (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), Tuffgirl (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 07:03 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Tuffgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Blog Entries: 4
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
So, the real question is not "how can they abandon us so easily?" but, "why is it so devastating when they do?"

L
Boy howdy - I totally second this statement. And when I really honestly acknowledged this is when I quit looking at him and started looking at me and why it mattered so much. Quite a humbling moment...
Tuffgirl is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to Tuffgirl For This Useful Post:
Helenlee (08-16-2012), LaTeeDa (08-15-2012), LifeRecovery (08-15-2012), Linkmeister (08-17-2012), owathu (08-16-2012), rdlesstraveled (08-17-2012), ShootingStar1 (08-16-2012), SundayGirl2012 (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), ZiggyB (08-16-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 07:14 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I am an ACoA and as a child, I had a recurring nightmare where I was abandoned by my entire family TWICE. Same dream, over and over and over. It is so vividly etched in my memory I can recall it perfectly, and I am in my mid-40s. I very likely could cause myself to actually have this dream in my sleep again, even now, believe it or not.
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
rdlesstraveled (08-17-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 07:26 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
owathu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I am an ACoA and as a child, I had a recurring nightmare where I was abandoned by my entire family TWICE. Same dream, over and over and over. It is so vividly etched in my memory I can recall it perfectly, and I am in my mid-40s. I very likely could cause myself to actually have this dream in my sleep again, even now, believe it or not.
I had the dream that my parents turned into monsters. Every night.

My alcoholic mother called me tonight, I hadn't said anything to her, my sister sent her and her husband (that she cheated on my Father with) an email. Explaining that I was leaving AH. I was trying to explain to an alcoholic what living with an alcoholic was. And how devastating cheating was. She made the usual noises about, wow, yeah, bad, while slurring her words. It was wasted breathe. I am looking for something an alcoholic can't give.
owathu is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to owathu For This Useful Post:
ghost99 (08-17-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), PeacefulMe (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 07:30 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I have a recurring dream about my father, who died when I was twelve. In the dream, he always shows up, in the present, with some plausible story about where he has been this whole time and why it was necessary for me to believe he was dead.

I had that dream at least once a month for years. I have it less now, but it still shows up now and then. Pretty clear message from my subconscious, I think. I'm still trying to heal from that abandonment, even though I know my dad's not coming back.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), Linkmeister (08-17-2012), SundayGirl2012 (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012), tjp613 (08-16-2012), Tuffgirl (08-15-2012)
Old 08-15-2012, 07:32 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
owathu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...and this is my opinion only. For some alcoholics it isn't-- they are the ones that stay and fight. No matter how many times they relapse they pick themselves up and keep fighting for sobriety and recovery. Some succeed, some don't, but they fight to the bitter end.

For others it is easy and the reason is that they never loved at all. You were simply the current enabler for whom they had to maintain the illusion of loving you in order to keep you enabling. And, when you stopped enabling, you no longer had a purpose and had to be replaced. For that type of alcoholic you are no different than the tires on a car. When they wear out your replace them, and the only angst around it is that it's kind of a pain in the ass to replace them and you may need to spend a little dough to buy the new ones (unless you can find somebody else to pay for them, and that's what they specialize in).

It's as brutal, uncaring, and as simple as that.

My two cents.

Cyranoak
Wow, that's pretty brutal.
owathu is offline  
Old 08-15-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
yea, I relate, WTH!! Ok, my 25 year wedding anniversary is in two weeks, my wife went to Az to visit her mom for a few weeks, last week I get a TEXT she wants a separation and is not comimng back!!! Simply crushing. I posted about this and got lots of good and kind words here. She's been gone a month today. I've been thru hell for two years with all her lying and tellling me she doesn't love. I've worked SO hard to get her back, even when she was here. Do I really need some one who doesn't love me around, someone who can treat ne with complete indifference?? The "i don't care" attitude is heart breaking EVERYDAY. Well, OK, now she's gone. I'm now going to 3 Alanon mtgs a week now. I was going to one. I hurt. BUT, I know I will recover and eventually get ok. Meetings, sponser and this forum are caring me thru this today.
Recover53 is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Recover53 For This Useful Post:
Argnotthisagain (08-15-2012), Cyranoak (08-17-2012), desertgirl (08-15-2012), Learn2Live (08-15-2012), OhBoy (08-16-2012), owathu (08-16-2012), Shadydeal (08-15-2012), ShootingStar1 (08-16-2012), TakingCharge999 (08-17-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:39 PM.