Hi, I'm Lily.
I am a relationship junkie, codependent, and an adult child of (numerous) alcoholics.
I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for a couple of months now and I have learned not to give advice in those meetings but to share experience, strength, and hope instead. So, here is my story.
I can relate to your story in a lot of ways.
They say alcoholics and addicts don't love, they take hostages. Well, so did I. I needed something out of a relationship that I could never get. I grew up neglected, unheard, unseen, and at times verbally and emotionally abused. I had a hole in my heart from a very young age. And from a very young age, I tried to fill that void with a man. I knew from growing up in an alcoholic environment that drugs/alcohol was not the answer to my issues. I knew I needed to be loved and fell into that idea of a prince charming. I searched fervently for this prince charming and when I couldn't find him, I tried to create him by "fixing" my boyfriends into being what they were not.
Clearly, this did not work. I never wanted to be alone. I always had to have someone in my life. I just couldn't face being alone. Hence, I was addicted to "love" and yes, I took hostages. I was incredibly clingy and a raging codependent.
I remember with one ex-boyfriend, I used to cry on the phone for hours when he didn't want to talk to me. He used to not call/text/e-mail me for an entire day or two without telling me that he needed a break and my abandonment issues would kick and boy did I suffer. He purposely ignored me until he felt like dealing with my emotional meltdowns. Your relationship reminds me of this unfortunate experience. It hurt me to my core when he would distance himself from me. Sure, he made mistakes and he was cold and distant, but in my recovery I no longer focus on what my ex-boyfriend did or did not do.
I cannot change them, only me. And I know that with this ex-boyfriend, I was very clingy and I wanted so much attention from him. I believe my neediness pushed him away. What is more important, he could not meet my needs. No one single person can meet my needs.
There is no prince charming to fill a hole in my heart that has been there because my family suffers from alcoholism and cannot give me the love and attention that I deserve.
I am currently 27 years old. I am now 5.5 months clean. Meaning I am 5.5 months single, celibate, and focused on my recovery. My last relationship was with a drug addict. He was a sort of relapse for me. I already wanted to be single when I met him. But, we met at a party and bonded instantly. He gave me a sort of attention, kindness, and love I *never* experienced before. I was hooked. Over time, I new my needs were not being met. I did a better job at this last relationship with not expecting too much from him. I also had some boundaries. I was pretty much ready for change. Our relationship mostly ended because of his addiction issues and my deep need to focus on healing my heart. Like I said, I was just about ready for recovery when I met him and after we broke up I *finally* started to clean up the mess I made in that big void in my heart.
So, back to me. 5.5 months single, celibate, and working on myself. I've never felt better. I started attending Al-Anon May 29th, 2012. Al-Anon has helped me deal with my feelings of isolation and loneliness. When I go to meetings, the hole in my heart is gently filled with the warmth, understanding, and sense of belonging that I gain in these meetings. I need this time alone right now and I can't be with another person because I am with myself and my higher power now. Al-Anon's gentle program has helped me to develop a relationship with God as
I understand him.
So, now I am filling my void in healthy ways. Attending meetings, using the phone list when necessary, working the 12 steps, and having a relationship with a sponsor is what I now use to deal with my issues. It is more important to me to develop a relationship with my higher power than it is to find a man/husband. I trust my higher power to bring a loving man into my life when the time is right. When I am ready. It feels so good to be free of my emotional demons.
It feels good to not depend on a "fix" from a man to make me feel better about me. Waiting on that phone call, text message, e-mail. Waiting for that next visit. Waiting for hugs, kisses, cuddles, and affection to soothe that pain that I carry deep within me.
I have what I need now. Relationships, love, marriage, and the role of a man in my life has taken on a different meaning. I admit I still don't know what a healthy relationship with a man looks like. I believe it starts with me knowing who I am and what I want out of a relationship. I will explore that before I open up my heart and start dating again. Right now, I am working on the 12 steps and I wont even date until I have gone through them at least once. I wont date until the 12 steps are a part of my life and I am used to applying them regularly.
That is my story. I hope it helps you. I can really relate to your story Marian.
Sending you love and light,
Lily
