Has he recovered and I haven't

Old 08-13-2012, 04:35 AM
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Has he recovered and I haven't

Hello to everybody
I really needed to tell my story and hear what do you think. Well is a very long one full of up and downs, but to cut a long story short I will write the main things
I am 32 years old and he is 33 years old, we are from different countries. I come from a disfunctional family, my Dad was aggressive and insecure and my mum dependant and later bitter wit her life. My husband comes from a family of alcoholics (father, grandfather)
So we met 10 years ago, we filled each others gaps, we had great times we loved each other, I was the one who tried to help him with his alcoholism and for that his mother liked me and I was seen as someone good for him.
We got married 6 years ago in his home country far away from mine, we lived with his parents, then we moved because it was convenient for my career, before I was depressed because I wasn't doing anything, later we moved with my family.
The times with his and my family were a nightmare. These times eroded our relationship.And in the fourth year of our marriage I decided to look for help and got the courage to leave him. 6 months later went to another realationship that didn t work, and finished it. And after 6 more months I came back to my husband, the thing is, he is very interesting and funny, or that is how I remember him. I came back with my husband but we haven't lived together since we decided to come back, because of many reason, he wanted to change his job and become a writer and he needed time so he decided to live with his parents while I stayed in a different city doing my own career, I have less than 2 years left to finish university.
The initial idea was to come back and within a month more or less live together again, and we would try to see how it works, wether he stops drinking but because of the crisis it didn t happen. So he has been living with his parents for the last 3 years and at the begining i got mad when I found out that he wouldn t come and live with me,, but I accepted it because I thought it was fair for him to pursue his career, so we were talking everyday and then 3 months ago he decided that we should talk less and I was mad again but agreed, we were supposed to see each other on my holidays,, he haven't seen each other since April, but before the holiday we had an argument, part of it was because of lack of comunication from my part, but he said he wouldn't come to see me, I can't go to see him because immigration issues, that don't allow me to do that for the next couple of weeks. I could have changed my holidays to be with him in September, but it wasn t convenient for me. So the only option as for him to come here. But he doesn't want to come, he says he knows we will argue. He is ok with having a long distance relationship with little communication and not seeing each other, for me that is not right. But since I have not rush because I am very busy in my career I could wait for him, until I finish in university. But 5 years will have passed.
He said I don't want to see you, I think you deserve someone better who look forward to see you, he wants to break up, but I lost all my dignity yesterday and asked him to try again. When he said yes under all my pressure I felt such a relieve, I told him he is my vodka, I know*I am addicted to him. I don't know if I am in love with him or with the idea of him when we were younger or I just can't bear the idea of being alone, which is silly really because I have been living on my own for more a long time I have my flat a good salary a job I like and I know that my future can be good, I just can't finish with this relationship because I think that I messed it up I made many mistakes that I can improve, because I think that I have many communication problems not only with him but with other people, I blame myself for so many things I did wrong. But I don't think is fair for me to hear from his mouth that he doesn't feel any desire to see me and then be there. He agreed to try again, to try to talk and don't see me until december, and then keep living like this until 2014. I said I agreed with that but I don't think I did really. I am just so confused I haven't askd about his drinking habits for so long, just so I don't annoy him. I think he keeps drinking, I don't know how much, but he writes very well an has published many articles and done a masters degree and improved his career.
We agreed on talking tomorrow and a part of me is thinking that the best thing is to tell him that this is it that I won't beg anymore for his love but another part thinks what if I am good tomorrow behave nicely don't cry like a baby as usual, don't out pressure on him and see what happens. Is he more aware of the reality or does he only want peace and get rid of an annoying not so young wife.
I am loosing my holidays thinking about this, perhaps I was living in denial breaking all my boundaries and it was about time for this to explode.
I would be very grateful if you tell me what do you think about this.
Thank you for reading
Marian
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Old 08-13-2012, 06:27 AM
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He said I don't want to see you, I think you deserve someone better who look forward to see you, he wants to break up, but I lost all my dignity yesterday and asked him to try again.

can i ask why would you want to be with someone that does not want you...and to boot, he is an A....

hun, THEY TAKE HOSTAGEs

read all the stickies and post...
Melody Beattie "Codepenent No More" maybe might be the book for you
to read...

stop begging...follow your gut...and i will validate to you that its not working out for you and him..
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:52 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will continue to read and post as much as needed. I enjoy reading in our sticky posts (older, permanent posts) located at the top of this main page. The stickies contain some of our stories and a lot of wisdom from members that have walked the same path.

Your title to this thread is "Has he recovered and I haven't"?

In my personal recovery, I had to take steps to change my behaviors, reactions, and outlooks of life. I made these changes by reading self-improvement books, attending Alanon meetings, and reading/posting here at SR. I am a healthier, happier me because of my recovery work.

Can I ask what steps you are taking to help yourself recover from an alcoholic relationship?
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Old 08-15-2012, 03:09 AM
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Dear Fourmaggie and Pelican,
Thank you for your comments! I will definetely keep reading and posting. I think this will be a great help
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:16 AM
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Hi, I'm Lily.

I am a relationship junkie, codependent, and an adult child of (numerous) alcoholics.

I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for a couple of months now and I have learned not to give advice in those meetings but to share experience, strength, and hope instead. So, here is my story.

I can relate to your story in a lot of ways. They say alcoholics and addicts don't love, they take hostages. Well, so did I. I needed something out of a relationship that I could never get. I grew up neglected, unheard, unseen, and at times verbally and emotionally abused. I had a hole in my heart from a very young age. And from a very young age, I tried to fill that void with a man. I knew from growing up in an alcoholic environment that drugs/alcohol was not the answer to my issues. I knew I needed to be loved and fell into that idea of a prince charming. I searched fervently for this prince charming and when I couldn't find him, I tried to create him by "fixing" my boyfriends into being what they were not.

Clearly, this did not work. I never wanted to be alone. I always had to have someone in my life. I just couldn't face being alone. Hence, I was addicted to "love" and yes, I took hostages. I was incredibly clingy and a raging codependent.

I remember with one ex-boyfriend, I used to cry on the phone for hours when he didn't want to talk to me. He used to not call/text/e-mail me for an entire day or two without telling me that he needed a break and my abandonment issues would kick and boy did I suffer. He purposely ignored me until he felt like dealing with my emotional meltdowns. Your relationship reminds me of this unfortunate experience. It hurt me to my core when he would distance himself from me. Sure, he made mistakes and he was cold and distant, but in my recovery I no longer focus on what my ex-boyfriend did or did not do. I cannot change them, only me. And I know that with this ex-boyfriend, I was very clingy and I wanted so much attention from him. I believe my neediness pushed him away. What is more important, he could not meet my needs. No one single person can meet my needs. There is no prince charming to fill a hole in my heart that has been there because my family suffers from alcoholism and cannot give me the love and attention that I deserve.

I am currently 27 years old. I am now 5.5 months clean. Meaning I am 5.5 months single, celibate, and focused on my recovery. My last relationship was with a drug addict. He was a sort of relapse for me. I already wanted to be single when I met him. But, we met at a party and bonded instantly. He gave me a sort of attention, kindness, and love I *never* experienced before. I was hooked. Over time, I new my needs were not being met. I did a better job at this last relationship with not expecting too much from him. I also had some boundaries. I was pretty much ready for change. Our relationship mostly ended because of his addiction issues and my deep need to focus on healing my heart. Like I said, I was just about ready for recovery when I met him and after we broke up I *finally* started to clean up the mess I made in that big void in my heart.

So, back to me. 5.5 months single, celibate, and working on myself. I've never felt better. I started attending Al-Anon May 29th, 2012. Al-Anon has helped me deal with my feelings of isolation and loneliness. When I go to meetings, the hole in my heart is gently filled with the warmth, understanding, and sense of belonging that I gain in these meetings. I need this time alone right now and I can't be with another person because I am with myself and my higher power now. Al-Anon's gentle program has helped me to develop a relationship with God as I understand him.

So, now I am filling my void in healthy ways. Attending meetings, using the phone list when necessary, working the 12 steps, and having a relationship with a sponsor is what I now use to deal with my issues. It is more important to me to develop a relationship with my higher power than it is to find a man/husband. I trust my higher power to bring a loving man into my life when the time is right. When I am ready. It feels so good to be free of my emotional demons.

It feels good to not depend on a "fix" from a man to make me feel better about me. Waiting on that phone call, text message, e-mail. Waiting for that next visit. Waiting for hugs, kisses, cuddles, and affection to soothe that pain that I carry deep within me.

I have what I need now. Relationships, love, marriage, and the role of a man in my life has taken on a different meaning. I admit I still don't know what a healthy relationship with a man looks like. I believe it starts with me knowing who I am and what I want out of a relationship. I will explore that before I open up my heart and start dating again. Right now, I am working on the 12 steps and I wont even date until I have gone through them at least once. I wont date until the 12 steps are a part of my life and I am used to applying them regularly.

That is my story. I hope it helps you. I can really relate to your story Marian.

Sending you love and light,

Lily
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Old 08-15-2012, 04:46 PM
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He hasn't recovered-- he's just sober for now. Stop focusing on him and complaining-- it doesn't even matter if he has. Start focusing on yourself, get yourself into therapy, keep going to or start Alanon, and keep the focus on yourself. That is where you will find recovery.

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