It's crunch time. Pretty nervous. Lots of scary dreams.
Mom is as prepared as I guess anyone can be to provide some assistance. She just detoxed my brother last week. We've discussed that different things help different people. My brother tends to sleep for 3 days through the withdrawl. I find that going to bed only makes my anxiety worse. I won't be trying to do tons on day 1 and 2, but I don't really think lying abed is helpful. I'll do a small thing here and there, sleep a "normal" amount, eat as much as I can (cause I really don't have an appetite), and not get into dwelling on all my self created problems as if I can fix that in a day or a week.
I've got another hour before I have to get ready for work, and I think I'll make a "schedule". Just a few tasks (the immediate needs) to do Thursday and Friday night after work, and then the 5 things that I'm freaked about...I'll schedule to work on them over the weekend. Maybe I can get some of the nasty stuff out of the way.
I'm trying really hard to be honest here, even if it makes me look bad. So I'll tell you that the bottle won't be tossed till after lunch break. I'm also self reporting (to help me stay on track) that I will be sure to toss the "back up" half pint that has been my assurance that if I just can't do it there is something there. So...pitch those 2 at noon and its over. I realize I "should" dump them both right now....it really feels (however wrong it may be) that knowing I have something to keep from starting detox on the job is important. That crutch will be gone at noon. Mom and I discussed...If I'm really too sick on Thursday...well they probably can't fire me if I call in sick for a day or two. IT would suck big time and cause "issues", but I'm willing to deal with that.
I don't think I'm waffling on my committment. I am very aware of what is going to happen over the next few days and even few months. Long before Nike came up with it, I had a teacher who would say "just do it!". I'm focused on that. I also keep thinking "this is when the rubber meets the road". Up to now it's all been talk. Sincere talk, but talk just the same.
Mom knows I do "sr", and despite her fear of internet addiction, she is supportive of doing what ever the heck is gonna work for me. So I will be posting. Pretty much I'm in the mode of trying not to think too much about others opinions (but do care about their needs).
OK...time to find a clean outfit (quite a challenge) for work. My eyes aren't puffy to day and I'm not shaking as bad. The dogs aren't licking me. I can do this. The support here is really helpful, but we all know that in the end we quit or we don't.
OK...have a good day everyone!