Faithlove

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my children. More than anything, I want my children to be truly happy. I've worked hard all of my life so that my children could have a better life than I did. I was a single mother in grad school before I met him and life was fantastic! Now I have two more precious children, with AH, and our house is just so much better without him. And AH uses this against me. He screams at me, "you'd be better off if I just left....if I were dead....etc." I want to say, "yes," right back at him but I feel guilty, so I lie. When he still lived with us, I'd have fleeting thoughts or wishes that he'd just go ahead and OD. I know that's horrible and I'd never tell him that. Now that he's out of our house, I don't wish that anymore. I just wish the best for him.

Ok, I see that I've gotten off the question. I want peace and a happy home. I can control who lives with me. I can not control my children's happiness but I can give them a happy, healthy mother, who has boundaries for all- including their fathers and them. I can also give them vacations since I like to travel. I can control what I say or don't say to my AH and sometimes saying nothing is best....it stops an uneventful argument. I can control when and if I talk to or see my AH, which also contributes to the levels of peace in my home.

I think I'll just work on these things for now. I'm certainly not healthy just yet. I need to work on my co-dependent issues and I need to start exercising again. I can also work on saving money and planning a vacation. I can stop worrying or wishing about the future and let God work in my life.

Thanks, Outtolunch!