Faithlove

Ugh, I feel like my AH is in prison and is never going to break free. I've finally found the key and let myself out but should I wait around for him? He's detoxed off of oxycontin at least 3-4 times in the last four years. He's gone to rehab; he's completed AfterCare; he's gone to NA meetings. But, none of these "worked" because he didn't stick with it. When he was at rehab, he worked the Steps but relapsed and quit when he got home.

Anyway, he's not living in our home anymore. This is the 3rd or 4th time I've kicked him out. I'm determined not to let him back until he's "better."

Now, he's on Methadone. I know this is to help him get off of the opiates, but once he's off, is he going to have a better foundation (as opposed to just detoxing cold turkey) so that he'll be able to stick to his recovery better than the other times?

I guess I'm just wondering if there's anyone out there that can say...."Yes, my addict (Or I) was on methadone for x amount of time and now I'm off and it was hard, but I've been clean for years and years and years."

I just have zero hope that's going to happen with him. I want the man I thought I married. I feel cheated and it's not fair.

Thanks for taking time out of your day to read.

incitingsilence

There is no way to predict his chances, in the end it will be about the time he is willing to put into himself.
Methadone can be a good tool to help him break free but it is the time he put into him.

In terms of a happy ending, it is the view … what is a happy ending, if it is you having a good life full of possibilities than you can have that at any time.

If it is in terms of the relationship with him, that is another thing that can’t be predicted. But there are stories of hope, there are those who find recovery. It isn’t easy, the statistics suck and sadly the only truth is that as long they are breathing they have a chance …

My husband found recovery, the road is very long, years and years, even after getting clean, doing it right with the help of Sub and getting off that it was still another year for him to be able to feel somewhat human.

There is no way to hang around and watch if you aren’t helping yourself and working on you.
And in that not only do we give ourselves an awesome gift, we remove ourselves as part of the problem.

outtolunch

It is common for those using Methodone or Suboxone to replace their drug of choice with non opiate/opioid drugs and good ole alcohol. This is addiction, not recovery.

No telling what's going to happen next and after that with your guy. Waiting around for a happily ever after you don't control sounds like getting stuck in perpetual traffic. It often lets up for a bit before bogging down, again.

Regardless of what he's going to do or not, going forward, what do you want out of your life that you control?

interrupted

In my family I have one cousin who was eventually able to get clean from a 10 year meth addiction, get her kids back, marry a decent man, and live a basically normal life. She is weird for me to talk to because we grew up together and lived together when we were kids, then I went no contact when she was using. Now that she isn't, it's almost like the long-term heavy drug use gave her some form of brain damage; she's a totally different person. But I think she's a success story, she's clean and she is building back a loving family. It just took a very, very long time and cost her almost everything in the process. She worked HARD for this.

I have another cousin in active heroin addiction and a sister in active heroine addiction. They are close in age and they use together. I want them to be success stories, but I don't know what the future holds. So far they have never been forced to suffer the consequences of their decisions, family always steps in to make it as easy as possible on them. Jail is the only time they aren't being coddled, but even then my family tries to post bond every single time to minimize their suffering. I can't imagine them doing even a fraction of the work my recovering cousin has done. I hope I am wrong.

Faithlove

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my children. More than anything, I want my children to be truly happy. I've worked hard all of my life so that my children could have a better life than I did. I was a single mother in grad school before I met him and life was fantastic! Now I have two more precious children, with AH, and our house is just so much better without him. And AH uses this against me. He screams at me, "you'd be better off if I just left....if I were dead....etc." I want to say, "yes," right back at him but I feel guilty, so I lie. When he still lived with us, I'd have fleeting thoughts or wishes that he'd just go ahead and OD. I know that's horrible and I'd never tell him that. Now that he's out of our house, I don't wish that anymore. I just wish the best for him.

Ok, I see that I've gotten off the question. I want peace and a happy home. I can control who lives with me. I can not control my children's happiness but I can give them a happy, healthy mother, who has boundaries for all- including their fathers and them. I can also give them vacations since I like to travel. I can control what I say or don't say to my AH and sometimes saying nothing is best....it stops an uneventful argument. I can control when and if I talk to or see my AH, which also contributes to the levels of peace in my home.

I think I'll just work on these things for now. I'm certainly not healthy just yet. I need to work on my co-dependent issues and I need to start exercising again. I can also work on saving money and planning a vacation. I can stop worrying or wishing about the future and let God work in my life.

Thanks, Outtolunch!

Hope87

Hey Faithlove...

I don't know...my AF started using a couple years ago (opiate/herion) and then went on methoadone. Was I ok with this...yes. Things went back to normal. He didn't seem all dopey, seemed very honest with me, no more money disappearing, no goofy "friends" he was texting all day long...things were good. Then he wanted to get off and went on to suboxone. Things were fine then too. Then he wanted to come off that and (you'll have to look up my story..it's kinda long) that didn't go so good. Now I'm in the process of working out a plan to ask him to leave cause he is back to his old life and I don't want to be involved. I get sad too because, in my eyes, it seems to be no happy ending with them. Even the cleanest of clean addicts are going to be tempted everyday and from what I'm hearing and what I'm learning addiction is just too strong. Seems like it almost takes a real miracle and ALOT of work on their part to stay clean. Sorry, just kind of bitter about the whole addiction disease I guess. But who knows...everyone's story is different. I'm sure there's some success stories out there some where...

FindingErica

Same here! My house is so peaceful and I don't feel stressed and like i am spinning in circles.

You mentioned above that you want him to be the person you thought you married. The truth is that person may not or may never have truly existed. There is a person I thought AH was, but the truth is, the more I am no contact with him, and he is not influencing my thoughts, the more I realize how I basically made him be that person. Ok wrong wording, because I am not sure how to explain. I made it easy for him to be that person, the good provider who went to work daily and had fun with the kids by taking care of everything else. There were no heavy, daily demands. I did housekeeping, errands, child care, grocery and clothing shopping, Dr/dental/therapy appt, dealt with the schools, cooking, laundry..etc. He had no hinderance to walking out the door for work. He had a closet full of clean clothes and meals on the table, he could spend a little time with the kids being fun guy in the evening but I enforced the proper bed times and hygiene. When it all started falling apart was when he wanted his cake and to eat it too. He liked the arrangement we had but he didn't like that I wasnt also taking on part of his end of the arrangement- making money. When I started wanting him and needing him to pick up slack with the kids and house is when he cracked, while i felt sorry for him i oddly continued to expect double duty of myself. So the moral of my story is, his perfect good dad, provider, family man was a facade that I propped up. I think the reason it has been so easy for me to keep on without him is that nothing has changed besides finances and i had to sort the bills , because as far as the caring of the kids and housework, I was always doing that.

Anyway, you may never get back who you thought he was, because if or when he gets clean, he will have to get honest and you may find that person never truly existed. You need to look at the situation now and move forward because all we have is now and the future.

On an aside: sometimes I wish this group was in person. There are so many here, you included, who I would love to just kick back and have a cup of coffee with.

Faithlove

Hope, I just want to send ((((hugs)))) and more ((((hugs)))) your way!
Erica, As I was reading your post, I was just thinking, "I wish I could meet some of these people posting on here....maybe we could have a convention or something."

I just cannot thank you all enough for continuing to help me (and my kids) through this very tough time. I'm just going to live my life and see what happens. I'm certainly not going to reconcile with him until he's off of everything for a while. I'd have never had the strength, or even thought that was a possiblity, to do that without all of you posting on these SR threads.

Hope87

thanks so much faith and best of luck to you and your kids with your situation. It just plain out sucks.. But hang in there!

And finding Erica...other than kids (I don't have any but I do have 3 wonderful dogs ) oh my...seriously after reading that I thought I was reading my own story. That's is exactly where I'm at now or have been for the past couple months. All he does is run around doing "work" and it is up to me to do shopping, clean house, laundry, dinner, work full time, mow and weed whack the front and back yard and all other outside work, dinner remind him of everything (birthdays, anniversaries, people to contact), feed dogs everynight, etc. He used to help me with some of this. Now it's only if I ask so he basically gets to "work" and come home and sleep or relax which he's not really home that much anyway and like I just mentioned it's not like he's really home when he is home anyway. Now I do my own thing and make my own plans. When I used to be gone all the time he used to **** and moan about me not being home. Now in some cases even, he'll tell me stay out longer if you want. Wonder why nothing is a fight anymore and why it's no big deal if I'm home or not. I'm so over this crap!!!!!!

FindingErica

Me either! I chickened out the first time, then a week later at he end of my rope I posted here, got a reality dose and literally within that same day had a signed lease on a house. Of course I had wanted to leave him, or had contemplated it for years. Just didn't have the means, then when I had the means was unsure, then when I was sure I still needed the courage. It's tough, it's scary!! Give yourself credit, you've made so much progress in a shirt amount of time. When I need a strong dose of resolve, I look at my kids and I say to myself, "these are MY kids and we will continue as a family!"

FindingErica

LOL! I have thought that so much reading others stuff. I've thought, there has to be a book somewhere titled "The Addicts Guide to Relationships." that they all follow. I think as Codie's we expect way more of ourselves then we do of others, and the right personalities take advantage of that. I used to remark that I wished he would push himself as hard as I do. His response usually was to refer to his larger paycheck and accuse me of not appreciating such a great man and to refer to all the nameless women who would probably want him. Any takers, he's going cheap. :rotfxko

Vale

Me either.

It's tough,nasty,scary work---dealing with addiction.
I don't think anyone here will minimize,talk down to,or
patronize anyone who engages in this varsity knife-
fight-in-a-phonebooth battle to the death.

Anybody who WOULD do that......is a fool.

And those who WOULD tell us how easy it all is are
being lined up for the rudest of awakenings.In my BA
life (before exposure to addiction)...I did not believe in a no-win
scenario.Those that did I (quietly) thought of as losers
who never had what it took to succeed at the game of
life.

I don't think that way any more.BA life is about 'reading'
about survival situations (or watching a movie about it)
from the comfy warmth of a loving,happy home.

AA (after exposure to addiction)life is about the primal
emotions and the million icepricks of pain when you are thrown
into freezing water and have less than 4 minutes to inflate & get
into your liferaft before your arms stop working.

No guarantees,no promises,no nothing.As real and as raw as
life gets.What is left is profound respect for those who have suffered
so grievously....and survived(IF they survive).

For those who do not,an equal apportionment of respect for the
fact that they fought their last battle with all the strength,wits,and
courage at their disposal.

No one chooses the devil.No one voluntarily surrenders their
dignity.It may SEEM they do.......but it only SEEMS that way.When
addiction is seen as only a failure of strength or willpower---then the
horrific reality of this profoundly evil thing is denied.

(At our peril)

FindingErica

Great description! That was how I felt when my sister in law called to break the unfortunate news of how bad AH's addiction had become and the raw fear and pain I felt, like a cornered animal trying to protect her babies. All I could think was "survive"

Vale

FindingErica wrote>>>>>>>>>>

You mentioned above that you want him to be the person you thought you married. The truth is that person may not or may never have truly existed. There is a person I thought AH was, but the truth is, the more I am no contact with him, and he is not influencing my thoughts, the more I realize how I basically made him be that person. Ok wrong wording, because I am not sure how to explain.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

perfect wording,perfect explanation.
I think I "made up" the person I helped,too.
Truth was,I probably never 'knew' this person at all---and never did.
The "lifestyle" (as much as she whined about being in it) was probably
more who she was than the "suburban wife who made a wrong turn"
that I thought she was.

As has been stated and restated on SR......when a person shows you
who they are...BELIEVE THEM!