MrLofg0029

I can summarize my situation like this:

I was a crazy and high-functioning alcoholic (3-4 beers/night, heavily drunk on weekends, physically dependent). My then fiance and now GF was the codependent and seemed to flourish in that role. My drinking escalated in the 6 months prior to sobriety. I got sober (without entering treatment), defeating (or at least refuting) my desire for her co-dependent behavior and insisted on relying on sponsorship, AA, and professional recovery. She, by her own admission and by all accounts of friends, family, and her therapist, reacted chaotically and began acting in such a way that her therapist broached the topic of self-admitting to a psychiatric ward for in-patient treatment. It felt as if I was on the road to recovery and she was in steep decline. After six months filled with suicide threats, accusations of infidelity (meritless. I've never ever once come close to thinking about considering infidelity), accusations of drinking, shattering of dishes, a glass coffee table, and a window, and being threatened with a very sharp kitchen knife on a few occasions, I came to the realization that I couldn't fix her or us and I ended the relationship.

Now, she's happily in Al-Anon, sponsored, chairing meetings, and rapidly experiencing the promises of recovery. I'm working as solid of a recovery program as I'm able (daily meetings, connected in AA, service work, supporting local detox and treatment centers in my spare time). I also attended my first Al-Anon meeting because I am an ACOH. The benefits of our individual recovery programs are evident individually and in our relationship, which we have since rekindled. We take a great deal of pride in one another and things are going swimmingly.

Her parents, who live a twelve hour drive away, and I would like to mend fences regarding my ending of the relationship. I have not had the opportunity to make a formal amends to them for my behavior during my drinking, but up until I was sober, they were ignorant of my alcoholism and had an extraordinarily high opinion of me and had stated that they felt lucky to have such a wonderful future son-in-law (their words, not mine). They were/are supportive of my recovery and we remained in frequent contact up until I ended my relationship with their daughter. They were understandably angry, and instructed their daughter to pass on to me some fairly cruel insults along with their opinion that she should not trust me in the future and certainly not rekindle a relationship with me. They were in fact quite mad at their daughter for getting back into the relationship. Thus, I know that, at least for now, I'm not much of a welcome guest in their life. That's an uncomfortable feeling.

So now, the two letters. They were written almost out of necessity. Her parents will be attending their daughter's thesis defense and because my presence at the defense talk and at the celebratory festivities that follow, her parents and I will have to interact. For my GFs sake, neither I nor her parents want the bad blood to negatively impact the proud occasion.

For me, this situation is very uncomfortable and I'm frankly angry at some of the jabs that've been thrown my way. I don't think this is the time to broach a discussion on that though, and I was hoping to instead get advice from the recovering community on what I could offer up in this situation to be helpful to my gf while acknowledging her parents.

I've pasted the letters below

From father:
"My wife and I feel that we should get in touch with you before we see you in September as it will be less awkward for all of us.

I commend you and X for the personnel work you’ve both done to try to resolve your personal issues and repair your relationship. Whatever happens with your relationship, I think you both will be better off for it. I also commend you for staying on your path to sobriety.

We realize that both you and X have had a difficult couple of years and realize that some of X’s issues played into the difficulties you’ve both been having. I feel that living apart was the right thing for the relationship at that time, although I was quite angry with the way it came about. We can discuss that it more detail sometime if you want.

Right now I feel the most important thing is that Elizabeth successfully completes her preparations for defending her thesis. I do have reservations about you two moving back in together 3 weeks before she defends her thesis, but that is decision you two will have to make. I hope you can support her in any way you can so that she can accomplish a successful defense.

Our understanding is that you and Elizabeth are working on trying to make your long term relationship work. I will not do anything to make that more difficult and will try to be supportive to the best of my abilities."

From Mother:
"It has been a while since we comunicated. I would like to clear the air as much as possible before we come out for X's defense. I want this day in X's life to be as awesome as it should be.

I want to start by commending you for maintaining your sobriety and for the work you are doing along those lines. However your relationship with X ends up, I wish you a good life. You are a bright man who has a lot to offer the world and I would not like to see that compromised.

I do believe that the time living apart was good for both of you. You and X were in this dysfunctional dance that you both were unable to stop. This dance was a result in parts of your individual lives with your families of origin and your alcoholism. Not living together has allowed you both some time to step away from some unhealthy behavior and change the focus and decompress.

I definitely take issue with how this came about and the timing of it all. X was caused a lot of unnecessary pain and put in a compromised position and I have been angry about that.

I want to see my daughter happy. It is up to her to decide if you are the person who she wants to share her life with.

As the two of you work out what you want and need in a relationship and try to decide if you think you can be partners in that together, I will be as supportive as I possibly can."