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Dealing with my partnes angry parents?

Old 08-05-2012, 11:07 AM
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Dealing with my partnes angry parents?

I can summarize my situation like this:

I was a crazy and high-functioning alcoholic (3-4 beers/night, heavily drunk on weekends, physically dependent). My then fiance and now GF was the codependent and seemed to flourish in that role. My drinking escalated in the 6 months prior to sobriety. I got sober (without entering treatment), defeating (or at least refuting) my desire for her co-dependent behavior and insisted on relying on sponsorship, AA, and professional recovery. She, by her own admission and by all accounts of friends, family, and her therapist, reacted chaotically and began acting in such a way that her therapist broached the topic of self-admitting to a psychiatric ward for in-patient treatment. It felt as if I was on the road to recovery and she was in steep decline. After six months filled with suicide threats, accusations of infidelity (meritless. I've never ever once come close to thinking about considering infidelity), accusations of drinking, shattering of dishes, a glass coffee table, and a window, and being threatened with a very sharp kitchen knife on a few occasions, I came to the realization that I couldn't fix her or us and I ended the relationship.

Now, she's happily in Al-Anon, sponsored, chairing meetings, and rapidly experiencing the promises of recovery. I'm working as solid of a recovery program as I'm able (daily meetings, connected in AA, service work, supporting local detox and treatment centers in my spare time). I also attended my first Al-Anon meeting because I am an ACOH. The benefits of our individual recovery programs are evident individually and in our relationship, which we have since rekindled. We take a great deal of pride in one another and things are going swimmingly.

Her parents, who live a twelve hour drive away, and I would like to mend fences regarding my ending of the relationship. I have not had the opportunity to make a formal amends to them for my behavior during my drinking, but up until I was sober, they were ignorant of my alcoholism and had an extraordinarily high opinion of me and had stated that they felt lucky to have such a wonderful future son-in-law (their words, not mine). They were/are supportive of my recovery and we remained in frequent contact up until I ended my relationship with their daughter. They were understandably angry, and instructed their daughter to pass on to me some fairly cruel insults along with their opinion that she should not trust me in the future and certainly not rekindle a relationship with me. They were in fact quite mad at their daughter for getting back into the relationship. Thus, I know that, at least for now, I'm not much of a welcome guest in their life. That's an uncomfortable feeling.

So now, the two letters. They were written almost out of necessity. Her parents will be attending their daughter's thesis defense and because my presence at the defense talk and at the celebratory festivities that follow, her parents and I will have to interact. For my GFs sake, neither I nor her parents want the bad blood to negatively impact the proud occasion.

For me, this situation is very uncomfortable and I'm frankly angry at some of the jabs that've been thrown my way. I don't think this is the time to broach a discussion on that though, and I was hoping to instead get advice from the recovering community on what I could offer up in this situation to be helpful to my gf while acknowledging her parents.

I've pasted the letters below

From father:
"My wife and I feel that we should get in touch with you before we see you in September as it will be less awkward for all of us.

I commend you and X for the personnel work you’ve both done to try to resolve your personal issues and repair your relationship. Whatever happens with your relationship, I think you both will be better off for it. I also commend you for staying on your path to sobriety.

We realize that both you and X have had a difficult couple of years and realize that some of X’s issues played into the difficulties you’ve both been having. I feel that living apart was the right thing for the relationship at that time, although I was quite angry with the way it came about. We can discuss that it more detail sometime if you want.

Right now I feel the most important thing is that Elizabeth successfully completes her preparations for defending her thesis. I do have reservations about you two moving back in together 3 weeks before she defends her thesis, but that is decision you two will have to make. I hope you can support her in any way you can so that she can accomplish a successful defense.

Our understanding is that you and Elizabeth are working on trying to make your long term relationship work. I will not do anything to make that more difficult and will try to be supportive to the best of my abilities."

From Mother:
"It has been a while since we comunicated. I would like to clear the air as much as possible before we come out for X's defense. I want this day in X's life to be as awesome as it should be.

I want to start by commending you for maintaining your sobriety and for the work you are doing along those lines. However your relationship with X ends up, I wish you a good life. You are a bright man who has a lot to offer the world and I would not like to see that compromised.

I do believe that the time living apart was good for both of you. You and X were in this dysfunctional dance that you both were unable to stop. This dance was a result in parts of your individual lives with your families of origin and your alcoholism. Not living together has allowed you both some time to step away from some unhealthy behavior and change the focus and decompress.

I definitely take issue with how this came about and the timing of it all. X was caused a lot of unnecessary pain and put in a compromised position and I have been angry about that.

I want to see my daughter happy. It is up to her to decide if you are the person who she wants to share her life with.

As the two of you work out what you want and need in a relationship and try to decide if you think you can be partners in that together, I will be as supportive as I possibly can."
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:27 AM
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I don't think there's much for you to do or say at this point. Things like this don't magically heal with the right words. When I got sober I wanted everyone to forgive me right away. I knew things were different, so why couldn't everyone else see that too? I was the only one who knew that my promises meant something this time around.

I think it's highly unlikely that they never knew about your alcoholism before the total breakdown of your relationship. Even if they didn't see it, if it was that bad your gf probably said something about it. I do think you are lucky that your gf has parents who have basically said they're willing to give you a second chance after your past history with their daughter. Most people wouldn't. I probably wouldn't.

It's probably just going to be uncomfortable for a while, until and unless they see a lasting change in her life. That's not a bad start, though. Give it some time, remember that actions speak louder than words... if everything is really all better now like you said then you should be fine, right? What's the rush?
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:28 AM
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I'm not sure how long you've both been in recovery, I don't think you mentioned that in the post? And, frankly I'm not exactly sure what you want?

It sounds like your girlfriends parents are prepared to be civil to you at the ceremony, but it's understandable that they want to protect their daughter. Hopefully you can all be civil and enjoy the day.
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:33 AM
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They sound like thoughtful, concerned and supportive (of their daughter, as it should be...) parents.

Make this about her, not you. No resolution here is possible or required. Good luck on your SO's thesis defense!!

Pray that you can be of maximal service to her and her parents during your visit together, even, or especially, if it means keeping your boundaries and distance intact and safe.
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by MrLofg0029 View Post
I was hoping to instead get advice from the recovering community on what I could offer up in this situation to be helpful to my gf while acknowledging her parents.
Hi and welcome.

My advice is:

1. Send a brief, handwritten note addressed to both parents thanking them for sharing their feelings, that you are looking forward to seeing them at the defense, and to supporting their daughter with them.

2. Keep working your Recovery. Glad you posted!
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Old 08-05-2012, 11:51 AM
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Since both parents wrote conciliatory letters, it would seem some response is in order, otherwise it could be taken as rebuke on your part. Depending on their code of etiquette, no response could make the situation even worse.

To me the KISS principle is important here. Acknowledge their letters, thank them for breaking the ice and then play up the special occasion in their daughter's life. All on a positive note.

I read your post several times and did not see anything to indicate the parents' acknowledgement or awareness of their daughter's behavior which led to your breakup. It may be that either they do not know of it, or are unwilling to accept it and therefore blame you.
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Old 08-05-2012, 12:27 PM
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They sound like thoughtful, concerned and supportive (of their daughter, as it should be...) parents.

Make this about her, not you. No resolution here is possible or required. Good luck on your SO's thesis defense!!
Keep working on you sobriety and treating her as she should be.
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Old 08-05-2012, 02:21 PM
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Hi MrLofG

I'm pretty straightforward with this.

We don't get to set the timetable for others forgiving us. We don't get to control what others think of us either.

The fact that someone else may have been nasty to me does not mitigate the many things I did.

Some people forgave my past behaviour when they saw I'd changed...others did not.

I'd like everyone to acknowledge what an awesome fellow I am now...but it's not going to happen. I hurt too many people then.

It is what it is.

Like someone else said above, this day is about your ex, not you.

Go smile, play nice, thank folks for the letters....and then get on with your life.

D
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:18 PM
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What did your sponsor say?
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:29 AM
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I spoke with my sponsor and he helped me to draft the following letter, which hits all the points I wanted to make. I really had no intention (or delusion) of trying to barter back into their good graces.

"Thank you for broaching this conversation. I sympathize with the concerns you have for (my GF) and your desire for her to have the opportunity to relish and enjoy a very proud day in her life. I agree that regardless of the long or short term outcomes of the time she and I have had living separately, we both gained valuable insight and perspective individually.

I think its worthwhile to acknowledge and accept the inherent discomfort of the situation. If I am to remain in X's life, and I hope to, it's my desire that my relationship with both of you be mended and frankly, stronger and more transparent than it has been in the past. I also acknowledge that the goal of transparency is largely mine.

Where my and X's relationship was in May and the months leading up to it and its progress and transformation to where it is now are between X and I. Certainly for the immediate future, I don't believe an emphasis or in-depth discussion of those events is appropriate or productive, and would be quite the contrary. I can affirm instead that the work that X and I have invested in ourselves during individual recovery has prompted a transformation in our relationship from an unhealthy state to one that's more mutually supportive, loving, and happier than its been, ever, or that I could have ever imagined.

I want to emphasize that an immediate resolution and mending of fences around any sentiment existing between you and I is not required, and probably not the natural course of things. If I'm to be in X's life long-term, I'd prefer that actions instead of words, serve as the primary foundation of trust for any relationship between you and I. Over time, hopefully honesty and evidence are all that's required.

(Addressing her father), I sympathize with your concerns regarding X's continued progress towards completing her dissertation amidst she and I moving back in together. It's among my greatest desires to see X standing confidently on the day of her defense. X and I have journeyed alongside one another through graduate school and life over these past nearly five years, and I believe that we share a mutual desire to see the other past the finish line. Wherever and whenever I can, it's my desire to support X in her efforts to complete her thesis for the reason that it brings me joy to do so. I am very proud of her.

All this said, I am very excited to see any member of your family that arrives in (our town) this September and to share in the joy of a monumental milestone in Xs life. Although I've not always been forthcoming regarding my feelings, I care for your family very much. Thank you for your concern and support."

I feel good about it and they responded well. My sponsor told me to avoid bragging or boasting about how I'm doing, and like the members of this board suggested, to keep the focus on Liz. I also wanted to set firmer boundaries on the input and role her parents have played in the relationship between my gf and I because in the past, they were crossing boundaries they had no business crossing. I think I achieved that as well and it was a relief when both parents acknowledged that in their reply.

Thanks everyone.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:28 AM
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Honestly, this entire back and forth is really bizarre to me. I would never feel comfortable discussing the intricacies of my relationship with my husband and especially my recovery with my parents OR his. I would be pretty pissed off if my husband got into this type of conversation with my parents too..my recovery and my marriage are no one's business.. my parents can support me and care about me and not be privy to or burdened with relationship or recovery issues in my personal life. Other than being concerned for the well being of their daughter, I'm not sure why this even needs to be a conversation (or letter writing) issue. Why so much more than a "Thank you for your concern, it sounds like we all want what's best for X"? Getting into the depth of recovery issues, relationship issues, issues with them.. it's just so unnecessary in my opinion, and somewhat self serving on all accounts. That's just my opinion.. Hope all continues to go well!
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Old 08-06-2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by flutter View Post
I would be pretty pissed off if my husband got into this type of conversation with my parents

I'm not sure why this even needs to be a conversation (or letter writing) issue. Why so much more than a "Thank you for your concern, it sounds like we all want what's best for X"? Getting into the depth of recovery issues, relationship issues, issues with them..

That's just my opinion.
Mine too...

Your SO's parents felt the need to write to you... That is a lot right there, if they really hated your @ss, there would be no letter or maybe just an angry father knocking on your door. As I mentioned before, they sound like good honest caring people

Their daughter is an adult and can stand and speak for herself... Man, you are all talking about her like she is some kind of child.

I am going to say this again, in a supportive way, we are brothers in recovery and on the same side...

You are making this all about YOU. Stop that, her loving parents are concerned about their daughter ... who is approaching the culmination of years and years of education, hard work and lot's of money.... Get out of the way, this isn't your day, it's hers, let her have it and allow her the dignity to run her own life.
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