Liza, I recognize that behavior as classic, literally by the book, Battering.
Domestic violence counseling for the abused partner is what's recommended, regardless of what counseling the other partner gets or doesn't get.
Couple's counseling puts the responsibility on both partners, but Battering (alcoholism, too) is the sole responsibility of the abuser.
Couple's counseling is only further devastating for the one being abused, while it serves to bolster the abuser and their techniques. This is why couple's counseling does not work for situations involving domestic violence.
The rape comment he made is master level abuser manipulation at its most insidious...flinging a bundle full of manipulations to undermine one's judgement all neatly wrapped up in one comment...I've been there, too....
...Among other things, it says you are not capable of good judgment nor determining reality from fiction because you would confuse normal intimacy from your husband as rape, and therefore the rape didn't happen. It says he is the one capable of determining your reality based on his judgments, not your faulty ones. It says he is living with an abusive crazy person and you are fortunate to have him who puts up with crazy abuse and the risk of being falsely accused. It says your pain, thoughts, feelings...you...are invalid.