lizatola

I copied and pasted from my journal, FYI:


We had a 3 hour long conversation and some went well, some went badly. He said he felt so much better because we were talking but I felt crappy at times because he over exaggerates things and gets out of control. There was one point in the conversation where I told him that his drinking and lying about it made me feel like I was being cheated on. I told him that it appeared that alcohol came before his family and that it was more important to him so that feels like someone cheating on you because alcohol has replaced you in importance. So, he starts saying stuff like, "So, now I'm an adulterer? Great, that's the unpardonable sin. Might as well serve me with the divorce papers." UGH! I could say this word many times throughout our conversation.

We talked about everything from his drinking, my codependency, s*x(or lack thereof), the church, Green Peace, politics, our son, etc. I stayed with the conversation because I felt it was opening the lines of communication and I tried to not get resentful that it took ME again saying, "We have to talk, " to get him to open up. I guess I sometimes wished he would just talk to me because he wants to resolve things instead of waiting for me.

I have agreed to marriage counseling. He has agreed to stop drinking, but will not attend AA. At least he actually didn't deny the drinking. There was a lot of me saying, "Right there. Do you see what we did there? We went in a circle of blaming each other. That has to stop." Other times I'd stop him and say, "See, this is another problem with communication. You leave the room because you feel I hate your opinion but I feel hurt because you leave the room after I express my opinion." He tried to tell me how I feel sooo many times that it was ridiculous, creating scenarios that never existed in my own mind. He was convinced I was having an affair since he wasn't getting any and he told me that men equate s*x with love and that if a guy isn't getting any then that must mean his wife doesn't love him anymore. Again, UGH!

All in all, I guess it was good but we have a long way to go. He will still rent cars while traveling and he keeps insisting he must do it to keep his job and wouldn't see it any other way. He still disagrees with the laws and finds that they are meant to punish people. Maybe I just need to accept the unacceptable behavior because it's obvious we don't see eye to eye on what's right vs what's wrong when it comes to this stuff. Who knows? I just have to take it one day at a time.

He also told me that every time we have s*x he thinks I'm going to report him as a rapist to the police since I'm a former rape victim. Gee, that's comforting so when he asked if we could have s*x last night, I told him no. I mean, who wants to have sex with someone who thinks you're going to report him as a rapist. UGH. He also told me that if I ever get a job outside of the home that our marriage will be over. He was dead serious and he said that I'd probably meet someone and fall in love and leave him. That's sad, you know. Oh, there was so much more and I'm waffling between being angry and just plain depressed.