Hey Crystafur
I'm kinda going through the same thing you are right now and just wanted to say hi and not nice to see we feel this way but nice that there is someone who can relate. My AF's (addicted fiance) doc is opiates/heroin. We have been together 4 years and were actually in the process of planning a wedding for this Oct which has now been put off. He has used in the past then went on methadone and things were fine the 1 1/2 he did that. Everything was good again! Then just seems as soon as this year started exactly in Jan began our downward spiral. We started butting heads, he came off suboxone, started smoking pot, then he went to pills (I think) then his dad passed away which completely devastated him and I'm sure his use increased and eventually back to heroin he went. When I would ask (not just this time, but before) he would get nasty with me and no, no, no he wasn't using...keep out of his business. Until it would get to the point of out of control then he'd tell me or leave something where I could find it. I just wanted to say a couple things to you...1st your not alone in feeling this way. I'm at a point now where I know in order to not have to deal with this anymore, I'm going to have to ask him to leave. But, as crazy as is sounds, I still love him too. Everyday is stress and anxiety over what's going on and what I know I should do. One hint of advice, try to let go and like everyone says...take care of you. I'm trying to learn this myself. Get up, go out, make plans...do what you want and let him do his thing. He is going to do whatever he wants to anyway whether you are sitting home worried about him or not. Apparently...they don't care. Also, I completely feel you on the trust thing. I too have come to lose all trust in my fiance. I have calls to do (in my head, yeah right), all this money is going into my other business account (sure it is)...as sad as it is to say, once you learn addict behavior and you have been wronged several times by it, yeah trust kinda goes out the window. And trust is very hard and time consuming to earn back. Even with my fiance I would have so many rules and regulations for him so that I could get back to trusting him again but A. things I had in mind would not be fair to him, B he wouldn't do any of it anyway or C would say yeah, yeah, yeah and find some way to make everything look like he's doing it...meanwhile, behind close doors is another story. I don't know...I hear addicts are good for making things appear they way the know everyone else wants it to be. And the gut feeling, I know that too. I have it everyday...like something isn't right. And you do feel like you're going crazy cause there's always that little voice in the back of your mind that says...what if it's not this, what if they really are doing that. It really does drive you to the point of insanity!
Well sorry to ramble on, just wanted to say I know what you're going through and if ya ever need to chat, hit me up on here. Good luck and sorry no advice (since, I'm kinda there myself), just lending and ear if you need one!