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Help with serious trust issues...

Old 07-31-2012, 10:17 AM
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Help with serious trust issues...

I need some more help with the trust issues that I am having with my boyfriend in recovery. I am hoping that someone that has been in a relationship for quite some time with someone attempting recovery (again) can help me with some wisdom on how I should handle it.

Long story short… we have been dating nearly ten years. I knew he was in recovery for cocaine and pill use shortly after starting our relationship. I had no idea what that really meant. He went to an occasional meeting at the beginning, then stopped. He said he had it all under the control and actually felt no desire to use. I believed him. I am the child of abusive alcoholics. I didn’t realize until recently how sick that also made me. I am a full-blown codie.

Last year in August I found out that my boyfriend had been on a “marijuana maintenance program” for quite some time (almost two years that I know of). He had lied to me about the drug use when I confronted him, he lied to me about his money problems (all along), he lied to me about work he supposedly had (all along). He told me that smoking the pot wasn’t really a big deal, that he did only for the migraines and that he had stopped on his own (oddly about the same time I first confronted him after I found a pipe in his pocket). His lies are very convincing and believable. I cannot tell the difference when looking at his face, even now.

He claims that I never knew when he was high, and that he never smoked it when he was going to be around me and only when he had a migraine. Contrary to the watered-down story I got, I found out from a mutual friend that he had been getting high on painting jobs for months with a friend of his, but I never confronted him with that truth. What I do know was that he never had money, he always had creditors calling, that he hasn’t had a steady job (he is a house painter) or any medical benefits to pay for proper migraine medicine since I met him. But yes, of course, I am in love with him. Cant seem to find it in myself to even want to break it off with him, especially now that he is back in recovery.

When he finally admitted to smoking pot after I found the second pipe, not knowing any program, I immediately called a friend he and I both knew in NA to get him to a meeting, and I told his family what had found. I know now that was not the proper course of action, but I was devastated and wanted to “help” get him back on track. With just letting those two people know and “outing him”, he was pretty much forced into a place where he had to get back into a program or lose everything. He was very angry with me about that at first, but later said that was the only thing that made him see how far gone he was. That had I not ratted him out, he very well may have continued claiming “clean years” when he really wasn’t. (this is the mentality that is def causing me anxiety now)

I am wondering if his recovery is a legit desire to get clean and change his life or if it was just him giving into the pressure to comply. Can he still be "faking" his clean time. He seemed to be doing all the steps in rapid dedicated order until recently. In February he started his amends step and now seems slowed to a stop. He made amends to a brother and an ex-girlfriend (which was hard for me) and his mom. I was not included in his amends (yet) though his smoking pot nearly destroyed me.

I has been almost a year, and I am seeing things that don’t sit well with me and I don’t know if its just because I have such massive trust issues now and that I am literally looking for red flags everywhere and of course, seeing them, or if its all just my codie messed up-ness that is untrusting and in fact, maybe cutting off his honest attempts at staying clean.

He feel off a ladder and broke his ribs in March, that is what really started getting me anxious as he was on percocets and really liking the high. He gave them to me to hold so that he wouldn’t take them all at once, because that is what he does. He seems to like staying on that edge of being clean and being around those that aren’t like he has some power to not give into temptation. It bothers me that he loves that whole culture still, the druggie music (he frequents dead shows where pot is smoked liberally), the druggie crowd (many many of his current friends smoke it daily), and when he talks about how he loved the feeling of getting high, he looks like he is remembering the love of his life and it really unnerves me.

He ran out of pain meds from the ER well before the pain went away. Weeks went by with him intense and unbearable pain, but yet he was still supposedly working everyday, all day, stretching, lifting, being on ladders, despite broken ribs. He started having weird physical symptoms like bloodshot eyes (he was so tired because of not sleeping) and sweating profusely even in airconditioning (must be getting sick) and having a stuffy runny nose (from sanding sheetrock) and weird eating habits like not eating at all and then eating everything in site, and weird scab on his lip and hands that he cant remember how it happened. He gave me all reasonable explanations I guess, but part of me is thinking that he is doing something again, for the pain.

He caught me looking at his phone because I wanted to see if he had called his old dealer. I told him I thought he was getting high and he offered to take a test, but the truth is (which I did not tell him) is that I really thought he might be smoking spice now, not weed. He has been working with the same painter friend that gets high and drunk on the job all the time. My boyfriend tells me that he is such an example to him of what to avoid, but I am thinking he is protecting his supply. He works with this guy, a childhood friend, who does not support the recovery efforts and is constantly offering substances. His friend and his friends wife smoke spice now because it cant be detected in regular test s.

I am fearful that is what my bf may have been enticed to. It has made me slip-up in my own program and become a mistrustful investigator again. I don’t want to be hurt again, I don’t want to be caught off-guard again, but I also dont want to lose a potential healing in our relationship because I am being paranoid. I know its bothering him.

My bf knows I am having serious trust issues but I haven’t told him all the details of what I know and / or susptect, especially where it concerns this friend of his that he works with all the time. I know there is still lying going on in regards to when he is working or not, or where his money goes and the bill collectors are still calling. He still doesn’t have a job that is steady work and I worry about what will happen in the winter when the painting business dies out.

He doesn’t talk to his sponsor everyday like he used to (only a year ago), now its more like once a week. He recently skipped his home group two weeks in a row and it really rattled me. I told him about that. He said to let him work it his way.

I still cant shake the feeling that I think there is something going on that he is not telling anyone. Is it possible to “fake” recovery and a program, even to a sponsor? Maybe its not drug use thats the problem but some of the other areas of his life that are messed up that I am feeling unsure about. My brain is spinning with all this. Do I have reason to mistrust him or is it just another codie craziness that I really need to do my own work on? How long does it take to get trust back, if ever? How can I feel secure about him really working his program legitimately? Should I confront him truthfully about what I do know and about his friend that he works with that is really causing me anxiety or should I just keep it to myself and work on my own issues. I feel that anything I say to him is tipping him off and if it is true, he will just get better at hiding it from me when he is working with the guy.

Can I ever learn to really trust him again? Has anyone out there gotten past the trust issues and been able to continue with a healthy happier relationship? I am so messed up. Thanks for letting me share
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:31 AM
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Less than a year ago my AB faked a recovery. His mother and I don't talk and he used this to his advantage. Told me his mom and discovered him stealing money from her purse to buy dope and said he had broken down and told her he needed help. Aw....right? So then she allegedly helped him go to a rehab and he checked himself in and he THOUGHT about leaving several times and almost DID once (wow, yeah that was part of the story). And finally when the In-Patient part was over he had mandatory classes everyday at a specific hour for weeks on end and now I have literally NO idea where he was or with who or where.
It was all made up.
He had a binder and loose papers and EVERYTHING. And it was all a lie.
I have been with my AB on-again-off-again since 2004 and we have had three year stretches at a time without incident. He always uses again. He's constantly in "recovery" or saying he is (aka pretending to appease).
The truth is: if you have a feeling its probably valid.
The gut is good, and it will tell you what's up, even if you don't want to hear it.
My AB and I talked about building trust a LOT. We had heart-to-hearts, couples counseling, he went to anger management classes, the whole nine yards. Now? A couple years after all of that effort? I trust him less than ever before...and I'm not even sure how you can trust someone into the negative trust category...but that's how little I trust him. And honestly? Now? I no longer think he's CAPABLE of honesty. That's what they say in NA. That the program works for most people who work it. But there are a select few sad individuals who are INCAPABLE of being HONEST with themselves (let alone others) and for them, nothing will work.
I hope this is not your guy, but it IS mine.
Trust is a fragile creature which once broken must be patiently nursed back to health in the most loving and safe of environments. I don't think you have that with this guy. I think this guy needs to work on HIMSELF first before he could EVER give you the intense amount of time and proper environment to cultivate trust between you two again. And you can't rush that.
Don't compromise yourself. Trust your instincts.
His recover is up to him. We, the friends/family/wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends/etc...we are powerless. I used to hate hearing that and now it's the only thing that soothes me.
I wish you the best of luck.
Keep posting!
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:43 AM
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Trust yourself, not him. You're not crazy and there's a reason you can't shake the feeling that something's going on with him that he's not telling you.....because something is going on that he's not telling you. I agree with HeWhoSleeps....your ABF's recovery (or not) is up to him. I have to keep telling myself this with my AH. I can't control or cure it. It helps.
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Old 07-31-2012, 10:57 AM
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This is NOT as simple as I am going to make it read...

It sounds like he lied to you and hid ALOT of things from you from the GET GO..
From the jump start, he has done ALOT to keep you out of his LOOP.
Therefore, the foundation was cracked from the beginning.
If the foundation is cracked, you must tear it all down to re-build.
You have a choise.
Get off this RIDE from He||, or keep riding it.
It wont be easy either way.
One way is going to keep you hurt, stressed, anxious and confused.
The other may have great results in you finally concentrating and working on YOURSELF.
Regardless, you have those choises.
It's not much but that is all I can offer you.
And that comes straight from my heart, because I married and lived with a person similar to the guy you have described, for 20 + years...
And he nearly took my soul...
I have been divorced since Feb 2012, seperated since March 2011.
The road has been long and rough but rewarding.
( Being a CODIE is NOT easy! )
I have learned so much about myself, things I never knew or didnt want to know.
It is most amazing now, to lay my head down at night and know I no longer walk on eggshells.
I dont worry about what he is doing, how his lies will affect me or what the next sunrise/sunset will bring as far as pain.
I am Thankful to God I dont have to tollerate his crap anymore.
And I work daily/minute to minute on myself.

In Answer to your question " Should I trust him? ", I would have to say " No. "
He is cycling his addiction..
There is a cycle to addiction. And he is def cycling.
He does this by stopping the meetings and sponsors.
And then telling you to let hm work it out in HIS own way.
I know this all to be so very true. I lived it for 20 + years.
If he doesnt work the steps, the program and the sponsors with responsibility and continually, the results are horrible and the " I can do it by myself " is a facade`.
It's his excuse to begin the cycle again and again.

Get yourself into some CODIE classes.
Get youself some help, go to AlAnon or NA meetings.
This will all help you and give you some clarity on what this guy is doing and has been doing for a very very long time.

I will pray for you!

Much Love & Respect.
~GT2~
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Old 07-31-2012, 11:47 AM
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Hey Crystafur

I'm kinda going through the same thing you are right now and just wanted to say hi and not nice to see we feel this way but nice that there is someone who can relate. My AF's (addicted fiance) doc is opiates/heroin. We have been together 4 years and were actually in the process of planning a wedding for this Oct which has now been put off. He has used in the past then went on methadone and things were fine the 1 1/2 he did that. Everything was good again! Then just seems as soon as this year started exactly in Jan began our downward spiral. We started butting heads, he came off suboxone, started smoking pot, then he went to pills (I think) then his dad passed away which completely devastated him and I'm sure his use increased and eventually back to heroin he went. When I would ask (not just this time, but before) he would get nasty with me and no, no, no he wasn't using...keep out of his business. Until it would get to the point of out of control then he'd tell me or leave something where I could find it. I just wanted to say a couple things to you...1st your not alone in feeling this way. I'm at a point now where I know in order to not have to deal with this anymore, I'm going to have to ask him to leave. But, as crazy as is sounds, I still love him too. Everyday is stress and anxiety over what's going on and what I know I should do. One hint of advice, try to let go and like everyone says...take care of you. I'm trying to learn this myself. Get up, go out, make plans...do what you want and let him do his thing. He is going to do whatever he wants to anyway whether you are sitting home worried about him or not. Apparently...they don't care. Also, I completely feel you on the trust thing. I too have come to lose all trust in my fiance. I have calls to do (in my head, yeah right), all this money is going into my other business account (sure it is)...as sad as it is to say, once you learn addict behavior and you have been wronged several times by it, yeah trust kinda goes out the window. And trust is very hard and time consuming to earn back. Even with my fiance I would have so many rules and regulations for him so that I could get back to trusting him again but A. things I had in mind would not be fair to him, B he wouldn't do any of it anyway or C would say yeah, yeah, yeah and find some way to make everything look like he's doing it...meanwhile, behind close doors is another story. I don't know...I hear addicts are good for making things appear they way the know everyone else wants it to be. And the gut feeling, I know that too. I have it everyday...like something isn't right. And you do feel like you're going crazy cause there's always that little voice in the back of your mind that says...what if it's not this, what if they really are doing that. It really does drive you to the point of insanity!
Well sorry to ramble on, just wanted to say I know what you're going through and if ya ever need to chat, hit me up on here. Good luck and sorry no advice (since, I'm kinda there myself), just lending and ear if you need one!
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Old 07-31-2012, 12:12 PM
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Trust you gut it is always right
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:54 PM
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I'm thinking that if you feel like the trust is broken, it doesn't even matter if your fears are right, it IS a problem. If you really do have the relationship you're wishing you do, he should be ready to hear whats bothering you so you can work on it together.
I know that RAH and I have managed to get past things before, and build up trust again, but it took years. As in many. But even if it takes years to build back a true relationship and trust, that doesn't mean that you should put up with this stuff that is making you feel insane in the mean time, and I think that if he does truly care about you, he should want to address how you feel because he cares how you feel.

The uneasiness might be your gut telling you what your head maybe doesn't want to hear.
It sounds like your gut is telling you loud and clear that you don't feel secure. Guts can be pretty smart. What does yours say about what you need so you can get to feeling secure? I say go after whatever that is with fierce determination. You deserve security and peace, settle for nothing less.

And also, as someone who takes narcotics for chronic pain, I'll tell you right now, there is no high if you are using them appropriately. If you are legitimately hurting, all it does is takes away some pain, and you only feel euphoria etc if you are taking a higher dose than you need. So my alarm bells are ringing with the broken ribs+percoset story.
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