I'm desperately trying to find employment. I just graduated from college and the search has been rough. I've been homeless since the tenth and staying with my grandparents when things with the AB get too....intense, I guess.
Tomorrow I do a walk through on a house with my best friend and we are supposedly going to be allowed to sign a lease and move in the first. He doesn't know where it is and I guess I'm going to try and keep it that way for now.
Everytime I try to think about the future I panic and I just see him with someone else saying everything was my fault and getting all sorts of sympathies....it kills me. I feel like an idiot for feeling like I'm in love with him....but it's been so long. Since 2004...and it's just not going to mean a thing.
You're right. Most mornings I wake up and Im angry that I did. And it gets worse when I break up with him. How does that make sense?
My best friend is exasperated with me...has been for a while...but even she admits he can be charming.
I feel insane.
Tonight I'm going out to a show with a new girl friend I've made. My goal is just to be. And to try to have a good time.
I feel....like I used to be something special...something strong and powerful. My mom always says I'm a force of nature...then how have I come to be his dizy confused mess of a pathetic sounding person? It's such an awful contrast. And I feel like he'll never realize what I really am or what all he's put me through. And I guess it's pride but I hate that too.