I hope you can start loving yourself. If you had a little precious child, would you want her to be abused like this? Start thinking of yourself as a little precious child and protect that child.. Your Addict is a limp d___ who is preying on you like a you are a hostage..he is a spineless sissy..who is keeping his support systems in tact so he can continue to be an addict..I don't mean to be harsh, but I want you to see just how unattractive this guy is..He has killed your self esteem so that he can control you...
I know the feeling of wishing your A would die..That is a symptom of enduring a lot of abuse.. It will be hard to pull yourself up if you are still living with him.. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? Are you living with him?Do you have famliy somewhere that you can go to? If not, make contact with a shelter for women. They can help you get a plan to get away.
This guy has brought you to a very low point.. Get some help.. Keep yourself safe.. Get a plan to get this guy off your plate.. We are here for you, my precious child.