Honestly. I hate to even say "been with" because I'm positive he'd never say "been with". I'm always the ex fiancee or the ex wife or whatever he has to say to get sympathy or a job or whatever it is he wants. But I have known him since 2004. We met when I was eighteen...and we've been on and off together for the most part ever since.
I'm worried I don't know how to leave. I'm worried if I leave I'll just come back like every other time. All I sound like, even to myself, is a whiny little bitch who won't help herself. I hate it. And I pretty much hate me.
In my family, if you lie it's like you're dead. We don't condone liars. We love them but we don't condone them. It's like a living death, lying to people, according to how I was raised. I used to be strong and smart and intelligent and blahblahblah. And now? I've allowed myself to get so freaking twisted and dizzy and fogged up I live with someone who is literally INCAPABLE of honesty. And he gets to think that that's ok with me, and I think that is the worst insult of all. I never should have given him the time of day. And now I feel like my freaking soul is tied to his or something and it's like the black spot I can't get it out.
I didn't mean to upset anyone about the sheets. At least I didn't mention everything else like it, I guess. I need to remember my words can upset or hurt, and I certainly didn't mean to upset or hurt anyone.
I don't use IV drugs and I don't promote drug use with my AB. It's been a long standing rule. I won't help him get high. Not with money or a ride or a place to use or anything. Frankly I'm not sure why he WANTS to date me. I don't give him anything. Maybe he just likes sucking the sunshine out of my soul. Maybe it tastes good or something. I have no idea.
It sounds like a cop out. But I am a dizzy dizzy dizzy hot mess. I haven't known my own thought process for literally years now. When I try to think of the whys or wherefores I don't have any answers. I literally can't think. That's what it feels like. Like there's just numbness and nothing. And so...I think I don't do anything. And I think I've just not been doing anything for a long time now.
I appreciate the responses.
I couldn't hold it inside anymore.
I haven't told anyone, not a soul, about getting pricked. Thank you for letting me say it here anonymously.