I have tried to leave more times than I can remember. I have used Family Violence Programs, I have had him arrested twice, I have moved more than three times, I have changed my phone number. I always go back or I feel I have no choice but to cave. He will do things manipulative emotionally, psychologically, in ways you couldn't previously comprehend to hurt, upset, agitate, anything so he gets a response. And it all just builds and builds and builds until I can't freaking take it anymore honestly and I just give up. At least in this **** hole I know what to expect and I just play dumb and I just get by and I pretend its totally normal to cry whenever you see a happy couple walking by.
If I don't stay then nothing I ever said is true. If I go then nothing he ever said is true because he'll just do it all, experience it all, say it all to some other ******* *****.
I just want him to die. I wish he'd just ******* die already. My worst nightmare is he'll be like freaking Iggy Pop or something and he'll never get his. He deserves it. And I think a big part of me wants to see it happen.
A month ago I got stuck on an open needle when I found it and he grabbed my hand and ended up making me accidently stick myself. Then told me they weren't his. They were some "other" persons which just made me more scared and sicker. So now I've got to wait three months from that date to get tested for AIDS and HepC and everything this ******* has opened me up to with manipulation and lies and sometimes just sheer force. And my stupidity that all people have SOULS and the capacity for GOOD. So now? Maybe I just stay because if I have AIDS I'm not going out alone. I'm not getting it and have him get off easy. No way.