Needle Cap and Empty Baggie
The gut man. That thing is good.
Problem is my gut is never still and docile. It's always jumping ten steps ahead of me saying things like, "Don't relax now you know what's going on."
So my boyfriend has been "in love" with me lately. It's a passing phase. Never fails to end and end in the ticks, twitches, and spasms of stress. One night he's Cassanova complete with back rubs, foot rubs, great sex, paying for groccerries, oh you name it ladies and he's on it. Well...Heroin is on it.
Because you see? Heroin is in love with me. I know, I know. It's crazy to say but it is. Because my boyfriend sure as hell isn't and probably never has been.
But Heroin? ****. We are in LOVE.
All my AB needs is a bit of H a lot of lies and a little luck that I keep my "I-know-better-but-I'm-not-going-to-say-because-the-hell-my-addict-will-create-isn't-worth-it" mouth keeps itself shut.
So here's the cycle. One good night. Followed by cussing me out all morning if I so much as sigh too loudly. Also really hard not to sigh too loudly when you share a twin mattress covered in spoon burns and stinking of sweat that's been unwashed for weeks.
Then goes the day where he tells you, "Oh you go ahead out of the house I have to take a ****." Sure. You're the ****. Go take yourself and your ability for honesty and take a hike for all I care.
Then comes pay day and WOW there's no money and the evening starts off badly but then HEY another MAGICAL trip to the bathroom and he's BAAACK all kisses and ****.
But you know what? I don't want your junkie lips on me you make me vomit in the back of my throat. A LOT. So get your hands away I don't say as I try to stoop and avoid and ignore and peck on your cheek to satiate you much as you do when you're SOBER and Heroin is not loving me.
And then I'm a bitch. I'm withholding. I'm CRAZY! Because AFFECTION and LOVE is what I wanted RIGHT? And here you are like a freaking SAINT giving it to me and I'm PULLING AWAY and now how does that make any SENSE you ask me, do I even know what I want? Well I must not find you attractive anymore or love you anymore you say as you ALL TOO HAPPILY pull away because, lets face it, it wasn't you that wanted to love me anyway it was Heroin. So you go strolling back to your bed where you pick up the decrepit and stinking tie you use to tie off and you use it now to tickle yourself and suck your thumb and nod out in front of the computer while I cook dinner and try not to throw up into it laughing because by god right now that would be funny to me.
After an hour or so after you supposedly and FINALLY fall asleep you wind the tie around your left forearm as tight as you can and pull it with your teeth and I wonder if this really is a dream you're having or if you just say it is so you can get the blood nice and tight before you...YUP! There you go, you just got up and headed for the bathroom. MY GOD WHAT A CONVENIENT DREAM! Gotta learn how to market those, yessiree! And after over and hour and a half you come back from the bathroom and I come back from puking outside and you are all sweets and kisses and sighs and OH LOOK...there goes HEROIN loving me again.
So this morning you leave and you're all upset I don't want to cuddle and you ask all WIDE eyed with your best and sickest INNOCENT expression what could POSSIBLY be wrong, just daring me to demonstrate INSANITY by telling you *gasp!* you do DRUGS and it SUCKS and you SUCK and I ******* HATE you and really at this point I can't wait until you DIE.
So then you leave and everything's UNSAID because there's NO POINT and I go to use the bathroom and OH LOOK there's a needle cap (new kind! That makes about eight kinds I can ID...AWESOME right?) AND an empty, residue covered baggie. Let's taste. Yup. Tastes like Heroin. So I pick them up and I carry them back to the bed with me and I put them on the pillow and I cuddle with them because...you know what you ******* *******...that's what loves me. Not you.
Good morning to another day I don't want to be here.