I keep going back to the memories of what a wonderful person he is when he isn't drinking. He is kind hearted, funny, generous, loving, exuberant, and good natured. But since he started drinking heavily, he has become bitter, angry, unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, and heedless of anyone else's feelings. I know this isn't the man he really is ... it's the alcohol talking. But if he isn't willing to give up the alcohol ... well, that wonderful man is not going to come back to us.
I know it's hard, because I'm still doing it too, missing and crying over my beautiful, loving, kind, considerate XBF. Who happens to be an alcoholic and an addict. Who walked out on me over a month and a half ago. But I know that that time in our lives is gone. He is no longer that person. For whatever reason; it doesn't really matter why. I have to accept that he has changed. And I'm with Pelican, they change. They never go back to who they used to be. And I'm a true believer that this is especially true after age 40. Their brains just do not recover.
Are you going to Al-Anon? You may want to consider doing so. Try to stay in the Present Moment and accept who AH is right now. Because that's the reality, I'm sorry to say. (((hugs)))