wildgarden

The last time I was here was Aug 9, 2011 and I bet I was talking about wanting to get divorced. And protecting the kids. And I know I got some really valuable advice about the kids and I remember using it right away. Well TODAY, my petition for divorce is being filed by my lawyer and it will be hand delivered by the Sheriff's office within the next couple of days. This will be hard to do as he went 'missing' late yesterday. Could be on a bender; could be with his 'girlfriend' he thinks I don't know about. He does not know about the divorce and this will not go well. It was sad pulling out our marriage license and thinking back to how wonderful life was then. And wondering just how has it come to this. What I have learned could fill a book. Same with most of us I'm sure. I am incredibly nervous both for today and for the life I will have to forge on my own with 4 kids. He will fight me tooth and nail for them. My lawyer said it's highly doubtful any judge will see it his way. Since last August, he drank himself nearly to death, spent 30 days inpatient recovery, came out and said he needed a break from AA; lasted about 5 months before relapsing (for the countless time) and was hospitalized with bleeding and spent 5 days on psych floor for detoxing and mental health. I can honestly say that I gave this everything I had. I have no doubts about ending it. That is not making it any easier to do.

I really want him to be happy and be well. I hope someday he gets there. I've spent years of 'somedays' becoming someone I'm not, waiting. I've spent the last year trying not to do what I'm doing today. It's time to be a big girl. Any words of wisdom are so appreciated.