Any wisdom for a mom filing for divorce today?

Old 07-23-2012, 10:45 AM
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Any wisdom for a mom filing for divorce today?

The last time I was here was Aug 9, 2011 and I bet I was talking about wanting to get divorced. And protecting the kids. And I know I got some really valuable advice about the kids and I remember using it right away. Well TODAY, my petition for divorce is being filed by my lawyer and it will be hand delivered by the Sheriff's office within the next couple of days. This will be hard to do as he went 'missing' late yesterday. Could be on a bender; could be with his 'girlfriend' he thinks I don't know about. He does not know about the divorce and this will not go well. It was sad pulling out our marriage license and thinking back to how wonderful life was then. And wondering just how has it come to this. What I have learned could fill a book. Same with most of us I'm sure. I am incredibly nervous both for today and for the life I will have to forge on my own with 4 kids. He will fight me tooth and nail for them. My lawyer said it's highly doubtful any judge will see it his way. Since last August, he drank himself nearly to death, spent 30 days inpatient recovery, came out and said he needed a break from AA; lasted about 5 months before relapsing (for the countless time) and was hospitalized with bleeding and spent 5 days on psych floor for detoxing and mental health. I can honestly say that I gave this everything I had. I have no doubts about ending it. That is not making it any easier to do.

I really want him to be happy and be well. I hope someday he gets there. I've spent years of 'somedays' becoming someone I'm not, waiting. I've spent the last year trying not to do what I'm doing today. It's time to be a big girl. Any words of wisdom are so appreciated.
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:09 AM
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wildgarden,

Though not married, I have just broken up with my A and I can tell you it is one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. All the broken promises and mental abuse are too much for me to take anymore. I am glad that I am out of the situation and will not be seeing him anytime soon.

May you find peace in the future, it may be a tough time for a while, but once we get through the tough parts we will be better off.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:18 PM
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I will just share with you what my counselor said to me:

You have an absolute right to remove yourself and your children from the pathological life with an addict.
You have a responsibility to remove your children from that life.

And the fact that you are doing that despite pain and fear is some pretty tall corn, friend. Just trust that you're doing the right thing even in the moments you're not feeling it.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:21 PM
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Get his hospital and treatment records for when you go to court. And get them CERTIFIED. i didn't get them certified and they weren't put into evidence, therefore suddenly when he said he doesn't have a problem, he appeared to be telling the truth. Also watch out for the "she made me go to treatment and promised she would come back to me if i did. that's why i went, not because i had a problem."

just some advice. It took me two years and a loss in court (although it sounds like you have more evidence than me) and i finally won, only because i gave up receiving child support from him

good luck!
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:31 PM
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I would petition the courts for a restraining order, change the locks on the house if he is out and be careful. If he needs anything call the sheriffs office to escort him in and out. Be careful because this could turn ugly. Most divorces do.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:33 PM
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Thanks for checking back in, as I do remember your story.

Do you think it is possible that your AH is bullying you when he threatens to fight you tooth and nail for the children?

I was bullied by my AH over our personal property, which I was willing to walk away from. It turns out he was bluffing and didn't even hire an attorney to contest the divorce.

I agree with your attorney ~ I doubt he will have a chance given the history of rehabs, relapses and medical documentation to prove his struggle with addiction to alcohol.

Sending you encouragement and support as you continue to take healthy steps for you and your children.
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
you might be surprised at how little FIGHT he puts up. until he reads the part of paying child support, THEN he'll do this and probably some of this and you can just ignore it and direct him to your attorney.
And when all the pissing and moaning doesn't work he will probably do this...

All in an attempt to manipulate you!!! Don't fall for it. Keep your attorney between you and him
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:31 PM
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My stbx bullied me about taking the kids, it was the biggest reason i stayed. But guess what? He's seen them once since the last weekend in March, isn't fighting for them either, other than a few text rants. The only official thing i've done is child support, which i have yet too, and probably never will, receive any of it.
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:34 AM
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Thanks everyone for your advice and ideas -- words to live by as I venture forward. It's so calming even to know that I'm not alone. Just out of the blue, I remembered this website -- and there you all were. I'll let you know how it all goes. And thank you.
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Old 07-24-2012, 10:42 AM
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I wish you well in your new journey. My wife left me with the children some 20 years ago. Now that I am sober, I feel a lot of guilt and remorse for my actions. It didn't get ugly because we both loved our children & I did get joint custody. Funny though, now that ex & I are both sober, we get along fine--almost like friends. She has re-married but now he (current hubby) is a drunk and I feel for her---even tried to get him to some meetings. Be strong, go forward and try and be there for your children--they need you. God Bless
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