it gets worse never better. you gotta jump off that train now. give it a shot. get involved in a 12 step based program. Surround yourself with quality sober people. You have to decide if you have has enough. If you have, then you will be willing to do whatever it takes. Life doesnt just get better it gets f...ing amazing. I was on your boat. been sober for 10 months. Is everything perfect? nope. Its sure as hell better than it was before though. good luck.