EnglishGarden--thank you for your thoughtful words. They were helpful to me in clarifying my feelings about all this.
You raised the story of the wife who was pissed because husband only got sober after the divorce As a possible analogy,. She asked herself why didnt he love her enough to do it when they were together? And you asked if that felt similar to my story?
This story doesnt feel quite like mine for the basic reason that we havent broken up. We spoke every day before he went in. Despite the physical separation, I worry that we both have an interest in continuing the enmeshment. In fact, I imagine he is in there feeling self-pity that I havent called him yet. And I can guarantee that he will be in touch as soon as he gets out of detox and to his rehab facility later this week, where I know he will have email and cell access.
So yes I am angry- but it is not because he waited until we were no longer together to move toward treatment, because we are still together, and I know he will be back in touch soon. I think he likes the enmeshment, because he can use me as a sounding board.
Instead, I think my current anger now comes from the long bottled up feeling of being abandoned.
Now I am in a foreign country, a wonderful opportunity for which I am grateful. And yes, i am trying to enjoy the free time I have and meet new people and see sights. But I am not here just to travel for fun. I am supposed to be at a desk, working on finishing my doctoral thesis, which is the final stage of a long and lonely and anxiety-provoking process. I need serious support in this endeavour.
Although his issues often make him self-absorbed and unable to give me the best support I need to help me with my life, he has still been someone I can count on for connection and conversation and validation, through words or hugs or actions.
Now there is silence. I am alone with my own terror about my writing projects. I suddenly feel resentful that he is out of touch and I have lost a main source of comfort, flawed as it was.
The second thing that you wrote which struck a chord was about the panic one feels when one person steps away. Panic is certainly what I am feeling. It is not panic on his belalf, exactly. I know he is in good hands now.
Maybe its the panic of having now to look around and see what the obsession with this addiction and person has done to me and my goals. I am late on finishing my thesis which was supposed to be done this May, in part because I couldnt write this spring, being all consumed with him and us.
Its also the deeper panic that I may have to open my eyes to the fact that he is not who or what I wanted him to be. And after all the obsession with his drinking, I may have to realize that even sobriety wont transform him.
Before meeting him last winter, I had been totally single for over a year. I know thats not a long time in the scheme of things, but when all your friends are getting married and having babies it feel like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt dead inside in terms of love. I was very depressed in general. I thought I would never find love. And then he came along and it was magic in its own way.
Now I am facing the fear that old familiar emptiness is on its way back. Its quieter than the emptiness of living in chaos, but it is no less destructive. Ive spent years lost in the throes of depression and alone. And the prospect of going back there makes me panic.
I am also scared that his rehab wont change anything in our dynamic, but it will shift the blame onto me, because I will be the bad guy if I decide to leave after he completes treatment. I realize this is getting far ahead of myself. Aargh.
Thanks for listening.