Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

First post, please help, boyfriend in detox with me on another continent



First post, please help, boyfriend in detox with me on another continent

Old 07-15-2012, 04:28 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
First post, please help, boyfriend in detox with me on another continent

Hello all, I have been obsessively lurking on this site for months now and have found much comfort here. Now I feel like I am at my wits end, so here I am writing my first post. Here goes...

I feel so sad and exhausted that I don't have the energy to write the whole story of my relationship. But I do need help badly. I should mention that I have been with my ABF since last December, so it's still a relatively new relationship. And yet, I read the posts from those of you who have been with your partners for decades about the impact of living with addiction and I relate entirely.

I moved in with him this winter even with all the red flags waving furiously. I swallowed my intuitions. Since it seems relevant, I should say that my father was an alcoholic, who eventually recovered and found peace when I was in my 20s. His alcoholism during my childhood scarred me, but his eventual recovery, I think, gives me hope.

Another night I will describe the scenarios and verbal abuse that has taken place with my ABF, I just cant manage it now. And yet he says he wants to be with me forever. I have gotten sicker and sadder and yet I love this dream. Through reading others' posts, I realize this is very common.

I was/am obsessed with my boyfriend. I am working on the last stages of my PhD and that should be my focus, but almost as soon as I met him I shoved all that aside to join with him in weaving a little world of mutual obsession. I stopped being able to work on my studies, stopped being able to move forward with the lonely task of writing a thesis, because staying home with him to fight (either about his drinking or other issues) or have sex or cry or whatever drama of the day was more engaging.

To give some context, this spring my boyfriend was going through around 1.75 liters of vodka every two days, plus multiple glasses of wine with dinner. He is 30 years old and has been drinking like this, he says since he was a teenager. (He is a survivor of child rape at 10 by strangers and physical and emotional abuse by his father).

After me researching treatment options and him doing nothing to follow up, we went to couples counseling, as if alcoholism is a couples issue. I see the folly in that now, but I had such elation after the first session.

The short version of why I am posting now is that I am now away out of the country for two months this summer for my research. This physical separation has been a catalyst for both of us I think. He has been left alone with himself.

Last night he checked himself into detox. After that he will go to a residential inpatient rehab, at least 30 days. His parents will help pay for it. In telling me of this decision over the phone, he has said he owes it to both himself and me to be the best version of himself. He said he is surrendering to the process.

When he was admitted last night, he had his parents pass along the patient number by email to me so I can call through Skype if I want to.

But despite the positive step, inside I feel like I am having a severely negative reaction to this news.[/B]Of course I have had countless fights about his drinking with him over the last few months, but he made this choice on his own after my departure. So that should be, at a minimum, a sign that he is taking this seriously, at least for now. I told him I was proud of him for taking the initiative to take this huge step.

This should be a positive and hopeful development--him taking the steps to ask for help and set it up and do it on his own.

And yet I feel sadder and angrier than ever, and not sure why and how to feel about it. I know I feel so far away and so depressed, yet relieved that I have some distance as well.

Right now, after a weekend of crying, I am sitting here in my room in Europe, at 1 am local time, feeling utterly alone, unable to sleep, again unable to work on my own work, obsessing about this situation.

Here are my obsessive thoughts: Do I call him in the detox facility? (I just called and hung up). Do I leave him alone for a few days? Do I just break up now, either in fact or plan to do it later this summer?

I know intellectually these are not the critical questions, and I know the answer will be to focus on myself.

So that leaves me with what is maybe the critical question: How do I regain myself during this time of separation and possible silence? Btw, I have read and reread Codepedent no More. It is beside me in bed right now.

I feel so beaten down and sad, not just about him but about my life. It has all the trappings of success and yet I just feel bereft. I feel emptiness and bleakness. Not sure what to do to get through.

Thank you in advance for your support and wisdom. I am lucky to have found this forum.
emeraldsea is offline  
Old 07-15-2012, 05:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I'm glad you are here, but saddened by what brought you here.

You are not alone. We are open 24/7, but a little quiet here on the weekends. There are Alanon meetings in Europe. Maybe you can find some face to face support while you are there.

When he was drinking, creating drama and stress; you knew what to expect. Now that he has sought treatment, this is unchartered territory. Are you uncomfortable about the unknown future?

Please take comfort in knowing that he is in the hands of professionals now. He will be taken care of. How about you? I hope you will start to take steps to take care of yourself now. Reaching out for support here is a good step, as well as reading self-improvement books. Codependent No More is within my arms reach too!

Another great book is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay.

Keep doing the next right thing for you! You are worth the effort!

I want to address something you wrote in your introductory post. It pertains to his drinking habits. You mentioned that he began drinking heavily in his teens and then you mentioned a tragically abusive incident in his youth. Are you justifying his addiction? Is this why you include those two facts in one sentence. Does he justify his addiction with his tragic past?

The two facts have nothing to do with each other. As a 30 year old adult, he has made the choice to self-medicate with alcohol. There are much healthier ways to deal with childhood trauma. Hopefully, his treatment team will teach him healthier ways to deal with life on life's terms. It will be up to him to use the tools he learns once he leaves treatment.
Pelican is offline  
Old 07-15-2012, 05:18 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You're in Europe obsessing about an alcoholic who is doing what he needs to do to take care of himself. Are you able to spend time sightseeing and enjoying yourself while doing it? It is a shame and breaks my heart that you are over there and there is so much to see and do yet you are unable to enjoy your one precious life in the present moment, because of this ******* disease. Can you see and accept that what happens with him is completely out of your control? That you do not need to make any decisions about your relationship with him right now? That just because a person goes to detox that does not mean anything? That the best thing for anyone in his situation is to be left alone to work on himself? That you are a beautiful, intelligent, loved woman who is going after life and self-betterment and the future full-force and that this person is just bringing you down, distracting you from yourself, sucking your energy, focus, and life out of you? God, what I would not give to be in Europe or working on my PhD right now. Life has given you this opportunity to do something amazing, something incredible, and your association with this life-sucker is ruining it for you.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-15-2012, 05:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I have heard something somewhat similar to your feelings of anger about his going to detox and rehab after you left. I have heard Al-Anon members who suffered through the pain and chaos of life with the alcoholic, hanging in there, begging for change, doing whatever they could to help and support.....But the alcoholic kept drinking. So they got a divorce. And a few months later the alcoholic checked himself into treatment. And the spouse was PISSED.

Do you feel a commonality with the situation I described? Because anger is a natural reaction. Beneath the anger, I have been told, is deep hurt. It is a deep, unconscious terrible hurt that the alcoholic did not love the spouse enough to get well for her while they were together. And she loved him so much and endured so much and still he would not stop drinking for her. And then, after all she suffered, and the pain of divorce, he decides he's finally done. And to her there is a sense of betrayal.....why would he not do that FOR HER and FOR THE MARRIAGE she wants to know?

Is that something you might identify with?

Here is the answer and we hear this all the time but we often keep denying it:

The drinking is never personal. The alcoholic does not drink to hurt us and the drinking has not one thing to do with us personally. The drinking is entirely about the intense and committed love relationship the alcoholic has with ALCOHOL. And when the alcoholic decides to end that relationship with alcohol, it is because something has happened exclusively between him and the alcohol. Something has happened. And only he knows what it is. But it has nothing to do with you. It has never had anything at all to do with you. Alcoholism is an unconscious and uncontrollable compulsion to drink. It is a primal seeking beneath logic that drives the alcoholic to drink. It has nothing to do with choice when an alcoholic is in active addiction. He has lost all choice. He can't stop drinking. And it has never had anything to do with anyone else.

He has decided to sober up for reasons that are his alone and he is not doing it for you. Period. But he called to let you know. And because you are codependent, you are eager to be involved. It's part love, part neediness, part ego. We have been there. He has split off from his enmeshment with you, and you are panicked.

It's a common reaction. This is the alcoholic/codependent lock and key.

When one person in that relationship starts to get healthy, the partner generally has a negative reaction. It's usually fear-based. Fear of change. An unhealthy dependency has been the status quo. And now one of the partners has decided to split off and get healthy.

The best action you can take right now is to dive into your own recovery. And in fact, if you don't, and he gets well, actually is one of the minority who works a program and is sincere about growth, your relationship will not survive. Both partners have to be in recovery or there is just no chance. Both partners have to stop their craziness.

So I would not call him. I would find meetings and attend one every day. Get a counselor. Get to work.

Leave the rest in God's hands.
EnglishGarden is offline  
Old 07-15-2012, 07:42 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Thank you EG for the post.

Hit me smack in the middle of the forehead.
Katiekate is offline  
Old 07-15-2012, 08:04 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My dad used to react to my mom all the time. Especially when she would travel far away for extended periods of time. My guess was he'd get fearful that she was so sick of his drinking she would never come back. He would sober up after she left and we'd all breathe a sigh of relief that finally he had done it, he'd quit. And then she'd come back. And he might be sober for a little while longer but then he'd go right back to drinking. It never lasted. Now, here we are 25, 30 years later and still there he sits, drinking 24/7, only stopping to pass out three times a day. And mom lives her life completely alone, with a stinkin drunk in her living room.

So, forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of BFs recent decision to get sober and be the best he can be.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 01:56 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Thanks Pelican. After a long night of nightmares and tossing and turning, it felt very comforting to wake up and see these responses to my post.

Just to respond quickly to your question about why I mentioned his childhood abuse right next to the description of his drinking:

I think what triggered placing those sentences side by side in part was that I want to be sure that I dont want to kid myself that alcohol is the only issue with him. The feeling of being overwhelmed by the weight of all of his issues that influence how he is in his life and how he acts in our relationship.

Of course, I recognize for him no other recovery is possible before getting the drinking under control is the first step, but in my gut I know that getting some sobriety under his belt is just the tip of the iceberg. He has been in therapy for years and years, so I know theres no magic bullet there.

When I start to list out all the issues that come with being in a relationship with him, apart from the alcohol, it feels completely overwhelming. I guess I am trying to wrap my head around the enormity of it all and it feels daunting.

I am glad he has placed himself in the hands of professionals where he can get support from those qualified to give it. But I know that this--our separation, his being in rehab-- is a temporary situation. If I stay in this relationship, in two months we will both be back in the same city, and so i am trying to figure out if there is any hope that being in this relationship can ever be healthy for me. So many unknowns seem to play into that question, some of which are in my control and depend on what I do for myself and some which depend on his choices to be determined.

This turned into a longer post than I imagined....

Maybe none of this is knowable now, and I should just let the process unfold.
emeraldsea is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 02:07 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Learn2Live-thanks for your message. I am highly skeptical of this newfound commitment too, and that is precisely why I am having a hard time right now. I am not struggling because I believe that everything is going to work out just fine now that my ABF is in detox. I lived the nightmare of repeated relapses with my alcoholic father.

What to do with all that skepticism and doubt and hope, right now, minute to minute, is what I am struggling with.

Focus on myself, is what people say, but that advice doesnt sink in for me. That's what I know I could use some help on.
emeraldsea is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 02:16 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi emeraldsea, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend, but he is in good hands right now.

Are you working, are you in school, what are some things that you have been neglecting in your life because every thought or discussion or action has been wrapped up in the disease of alcoholism?

Turning the focus from him and the disease and back to the things in your life that need attention is what we mean. Have you had your hair cut lately? Gone for a hike like you (maybe) used to? Have you spent an hour in the local bookstore just browsing? Have you gone for a bike ride lately? There are lots of things in our lives that get pushed aside because of the drama and chaos of addiction. Focusing on ourselves means getting back these things we used to enjoy.
Seren is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 06:43 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
EnglishGarden--thank you for your thoughtful words. They were helpful to me in clarifying my feelings about all this.

You raised the story of the wife who was pissed because husband only got sober after the divorce As a possible analogy,. She asked herself why didnt he love her enough to do it when they were together? And you asked if that felt similar to my story?

This story doesnt feel quite like mine for the basic reason that we havent broken up. We spoke every day before he went in. Despite the physical separation, I worry that we both have an interest in continuing the enmeshment. In fact, I imagine he is in there feeling self-pity that I havent called him yet. And I can guarantee that he will be in touch as soon as he gets out of detox and to his rehab facility later this week, where I know he will have email and cell access.

So yes I am angry- but it is not because he waited until we were no longer together to move toward treatment, because we are still together, and I know he will be back in touch soon. I think he likes the enmeshment, because he can use me as a sounding board.

Instead, I think my current anger now comes from the long bottled up feeling of being abandoned.

Now I am in a foreign country, a wonderful opportunity for which I am grateful. And yes, i am trying to enjoy the free time I have and meet new people and see sights. But I am not here just to travel for fun. I am supposed to be at a desk, working on finishing my doctoral thesis, which is the final stage of a long and lonely and anxiety-provoking process. I need serious support in this endeavour.

Although his issues often make him self-absorbed and unable to give me the best support I need to help me with my life, he has still been someone I can count on for connection and conversation and validation, through words or hugs or actions.

Now there is silence. I am alone with my own terror about my writing projects. I suddenly feel resentful that he is out of touch and I have lost a main source of comfort, flawed as it was.

The second thing that you wrote which struck a chord was about the panic one feels when one person steps away. Panic is certainly what I am feeling. It is not panic on his belalf, exactly. I know he is in good hands now.

Maybe its the panic of having now to look around and see what the obsession with this addiction and person has done to me and my goals. I am late on finishing my thesis which was supposed to be done this May, in part because I couldnt write this spring, being all consumed with him and us.

Its also the deeper panic that I may have to open my eyes to the fact that he is not who or what I wanted him to be. And after all the obsession with his drinking, I may have to realize that even sobriety wont transform him.

Before meeting him last winter, I had been totally single for over a year. I know thats not a long time in the scheme of things, but when all your friends are getting married and having babies it feel like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt dead inside in terms of love. I was very depressed in general. I thought I would never find love. And then he came along and it was magic in its own way.

Now I am facing the fear that old familiar emptiness is on its way back. Its quieter than the emptiness of living in chaos, but it is no less destructive. Ive spent years lost in the throes of depression and alone. And the prospect of going back there makes me panic.

I am also scared that his rehab wont change anything in our dynamic, but it will shift the blame onto me, because I will be the bad guy if I decide to leave after he completes treatment. I realize this is getting far ahead of myself. Aargh.

Thanks for listening.
emeraldsea is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 07:01 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
catlovermi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by emeraldsea View Post
EnglishGarden--thank you for your thoughtful words. They were helpful to me in clarifying my feelings about all this.

You raised the story of the wife who was pissed because husband only got sober after the divorce As a possible analogy,. She asked herself why didnt he love her enough to do it when they were together? And you asked if that felt similar to my story?

This story doesnt feel quite like mine for the basic reason that we havent broken up. We spoke every day before he went in. Despite the physical separation, I worry that we both have an interest in continuing the enmeshment. In fact, I imagine he is in there feeling self-pity that I havent called him yet. And I can guarantee that he will be in touch as soon as he gets out of detox and to his rehab facility later this week, where I know he will have email and cell access.

So yes I am angry- but it is not because he waited until we were no longer together to move toward treatment, because we are still together, and I know he will be back in touch soon. I think he likes the enmeshment, because he can use me as a sounding board.

Instead, I think my current anger now comes from the long bottled up feeling of being abandoned.

Now I am in a foreign country, a wonderful opportunity for which I am grateful. And yes, i am trying to enjoy the free time I have and meet new people and see sights. But I am not here just to travel for fun. I am supposed to be at a desk, working on finishing my doctoral thesis, which is the final stage of a long and lonely and anxiety-provoking process. I need serious support in this endeavour.

Although his issues often make him self-absorbed and unable to give me the best support I need to help me with my life, he has still been someone I can count on for connection and conversation and validation, through words or hugs or actions.

Now there is silence. I am alone with my own terror about my writing projects. I suddenly feel resentful that he is out of touch and I have lost a main source of comfort, flawed as it was.

The second thing that you wrote which struck a chord was about the panic one feels when one person steps away. Panic is certainly what I am feeling. It is not panic on his belalf, exactly. I know he is in good hands now.

Maybe its the panic of having now to look around and see what the obsession with this addiction and person has done to me and my goals. I am late on finishing my thesis which was supposed to be done this May, in part because I couldnt write this spring, being all consumed with him and us.

Its also the deeper panic that I may have to open my eyes to the fact that he is not who or what I wanted him to be. And after all the obsession with his drinking, I may have to realize that even sobriety wont transform him.

Before meeting him last winter, I had been totally single for over a year. I know thats not a long time in the scheme of things, but when all your friends are getting married and having babies it feel like I was on the outside of life looking in. I felt dead inside in terms of love. I was very depressed in general. I thought I would never find love. And then he came along and it was magic in its own way.

Now I am facing the fear that old familiar emptiness is on its way back. Its quieter than the emptiness of living in chaos, but it is no less destructive. Ive spent years lost in the throes of depression and alone. And the prospect of going back there makes me panic.

I am also scared that his rehab wont change anything in our dynamic, but it will shift the blame onto me, because I will be the bad guy if I decide to leave after he completes treatment. I realize this is getting far ahead of myself. Aargh.

Thanks for listening.
These things stick out to me:
  • meeting him last winter
  • I couldnt write this spring, being all consumed (chaos in your life within WEEKS of meeting him)
  • old familiar emptiness
  • he came along and it was magic



Enter: the world of what we WISH. The elements for magical thinking were all in place, enter him. And magical thinking. And with it, a whole lot of abandonment opportunities, which, oddly, feed the magical thinking - we spin and spin, trying to make sense of the fairy tale we just know is in there, somewhere. The faster we spin magical thinking, the more impossible is seems to let go, and we cannot heal until we let go of the magical thinking.

La Tee Da, one of our members, says something like it's magical thinking that's confusing - reality isn't confusing at all.

Said with support - healing is possible! You do not have to live this way, and your life does not have to be or feel this way, but you have to move from the place (metaphysical, that is) in which you reside.

CLMI
catlovermi is offline  
Old 07-16-2012, 07:50 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Can you PM me and tell me what country and city you are in? Aside from the interest because I love Europe, I could look and see if there is Al-Anon available where you are. Of course you could do this yourself too

It IS horrible and anxiety-producing and depressing and all sorts of debilitating and life-sucking things to be involved with an alcoholic and be presented with their chaotic and selfish behaviors. They are very sick people and sick people will make you sick. Literally.

The only way I know to deal with what you are dealing with, to deal with alcoholics and addicts, is once you become aware that being in your relationship with him is negatively affecting you, cut all contact with him. Deal with YOU. Deal with the panic and the anxiety that separation causes in healthy ways. By running and exercising, by seeing mental health professionals, by going to Al-Anon as much as you can, by taking care of you and implementing routine and predictability into your days, by surrounding yourself with positive and supportive people, by talking about what you are going through.

It makes sense to me that you are having difficulty focusing on your dissertation. Pick a day or half a day or an hour a day, as much as you can devote, and focus solely on YOUR needs, YOU, what YOU like, what YOU dislike, what brings YOU peace. Start small, but start somewhere, anywhere. Sit in the silence and listen to your body. Meditate. If you don't know how, sit in a chair, shut off all sources of noise, close your eyes, and picture a burning candle flame inside your forehead, and focus on that flame. Each time you feel your thoughts wander or rushing around in your head, bring the focus back to the flame. Just keep practicing this as much as possible, even while writing for your dissertation, and soon you will become in touch with your needs. And then, take immediate action to satisfy that need as quickly as possible.
Learn2Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:33 AM.