Thanks Pelican. After a long night of nightmares and tossing and turning, it felt very comforting to wake up and see these responses to my post.
Just to respond quickly to your question about why I mentioned his childhood abuse right next to the description of his drinking:
I think what triggered placing those sentences side by side in part was that I want to be sure that I dont want to kid myself that alcohol is the only issue with him. The feeling of being overwhelmed by the weight of all of his issues that influence how he is in his life and how he acts in our relationship.
Of course, I recognize for him no other recovery is possible before getting the drinking under control is the first step, but in my gut I know that getting some sobriety under his belt is just the tip of the iceberg. He has been in therapy for years and years, so I know theres no magic bullet there.
When I start to list out all the issues that come with being in a relationship with him, apart from the alcohol, it feels completely overwhelming. I guess I am trying to wrap my head around the enormity of it all and it feels daunting.
I am glad he has placed himself in the hands of professionals where he can get support from those qualified to give it. But I know that this--our separation, his being in rehab-- is a temporary situation. If I stay in this relationship, in two months we will both be back in the same city, and so i am trying to figure out if there is any hope that being in this relationship can ever be healthy for me. So many unknowns seem to play into that question, some of which are in my control and depend on what I do for myself and some which depend on his choices to be determined.
This turned into a longer post than I imagined....
Maybe none of this is knowable now, and I should just let the process unfold.