emeraldsea

Hello all, I have been obsessively lurking on this site for months now and have found much comfort here. Now I feel like I am at my wits end, so here I am writing my first post. Here goes...

I feel so sad and exhausted that I don't have the energy to write the whole story of my relationship. But I do need help badly. I should mention that I have been with my ABF since last December, so it's still a relatively new relationship. And yet, I read the posts from those of you who have been with your partners for decades about the impact of living with addiction and I relate entirely.

I moved in with him this winter even with all the red flags waving furiously. I swallowed my intuitions. Since it seems relevant, I should say that my father was an alcoholic, who eventually recovered and found peace when I was in my 20s. His alcoholism during my childhood scarred me, but his eventual recovery, I think, gives me hope.

Another night I will describe the scenarios and verbal abuse that has taken place with my ABF, I just cant manage it now. And yet he says he wants to be with me forever. I have gotten sicker and sadder and yet I love this dream. Through reading others' posts, I realize this is very common.

I was/am obsessed with my boyfriend. I am working on the last stages of my PhD and that should be my focus, but almost as soon as I met him I shoved all that aside to join with him in weaving a little world of mutual obsession. I stopped being able to work on my studies, stopped being able to move forward with the lonely task of writing a thesis, because staying home with him to fight (either about his drinking or other issues) or have sex or cry or whatever drama of the day was more engaging.

To give some context, this spring my boyfriend was going through around 1.75 liters of vodka every two days, plus multiple glasses of wine with dinner. He is 30 years old and has been drinking like this, he says since he was a teenager. (He is a survivor of child rape at 10 by strangers and physical and emotional abuse by his father).

After me researching treatment options and him doing nothing to follow up, we went to couples counseling, as if alcoholism is a couples issue. I see the folly in that now, but I had such elation after the first session.

The short version of why I am posting now is that I am now away out of the country for two months this summer for my research. This physical separation has been a catalyst for both of us I think. He has been left alone with himself.

Last night he checked himself into detox. After that he will go to a residential inpatient rehab, at least 30 days. His parents will help pay for it. In telling me of this decision over the phone, he has said he owes it to both himself and me to be the best version of himself. He said he is surrendering to the process.

When he was admitted last night, he had his parents pass along the patient number by email to me so I can call through Skype if I want to.

But despite the positive step, inside I feel like I am having a severely negative reaction to this news.[/B]Of course I have had countless fights about his drinking with him over the last few months, but he made this choice on his own after my departure. So that should be, at a minimum, a sign that he is taking this seriously, at least for now. I told him I was proud of him for taking the initiative to take this huge step.

This should be a positive and hopeful development--him taking the steps to ask for help and set it up and do it on his own.

And yet I feel sadder and angrier than ever, and not sure why and how to feel about it. I know I feel so far away and so depressed, yet relieved that I have some distance as well.

Right now, after a weekend of crying, I am sitting here in my room in Europe, at 1 am local time, feeling utterly alone, unable to sleep, again unable to work on my own work, obsessing about this situation.

Here are my obsessive thoughts: Do I call him in the detox facility? (I just called and hung up). Do I leave him alone for a few days? Do I just break up now, either in fact or plan to do it later this summer?

I know intellectually these are not the critical questions, and I know the answer will be to focus on myself.

So that leaves me with what is maybe the critical question: How do I regain myself during this time of separation and possible silence? Btw, I have read and reread Codepedent no More. It is beside me in bed right now.

I feel so beaten down and sad, not just about him but about my life. It has all the trappings of success and yet I just feel bereft. I feel emptiness and bleakness. Not sure what to do to get through.

Thank you in advance for your support and wisdom. I am lucky to have found this forum.