Alcoholism is a progressive disease - my story illustrates this.
There is a photo of me in my aunt's wedding album, looking adorable while chugging down a glass of champagne; adults all around me with "aww, isn't that cute" expressions. I was two years old.
Alcoholism runs strong on my father's side of the family, it killed my father (liver cancer) and his father (heart attack). Everyone in his family is either a teetotaler, or an alcoholic, no in-between.
At 14, I smoked hash for the first time. From 14-22 I did a lot of drugs, everything from weed or hash to acid, PCP, heroin, coke, shrooms. I graduated high school, went to college, supported myself by working as a bartender (oh, the irony) from age 16 onwards, graduated college, moved to the US and started a company. Despite being high pretty much daily, I was also quite "high achieving." (LOL that sounds funny.)
By my early 20s, I pretty much decided I was done with all the drugs; it felt like a very adult decision. I didn't drink much for a while. In fact, I lived with an alcoholic for a while and was sober all that time, finally left him when his drinking became ridiculous. That felt like an adult decision as well.
By my late 20s, I was partying hard. A couple of times I thought I might have a "drinking problem" because I was starting to stash vodka behind vents and so on, and drinking to make myself feel better. In my late 20s, after some fairly traumatic events, I first saw a shrink and was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and on meds. Since then I've been on and off various meds for various diagnoses. This is tied to the alcoholism...I definitely drank in part to shut my head off and get numb.
Twenties and thirties, I went through several phases of sort-of sobriety, but was mostly a party girl with a high-flying crowd...we travelled all over the world, hung out with bands, I somehow managed to get a second four-year degree during that time. I also volunteered and was lauded for that with an award, published some stuff, and was running a company with about ten employees in the busy season. All was good, even when I was drinking a LOT. I could drink most people under the table, not that anyone knew it because by then I was stashing vodka in my purse and chugging it in the ladies room. So it would appear that I as drinking like a normal person in the bar....
By my mid thirties, I was starting to get blackouts and doing really embarassing things at times when drunk. Like, you know, passing out on the floor and peeing my pants. Mostly, though, I was successful and the people I hung out with were also heavy drinkers so it was easy to pretend there wasn't a problem. Also, I was usually on some fairly heavy-duty anti-psychotic meds then, and they don't play well with alcohol so guess what? The meds were the problem, not the drinking! So I decided shrinks and meds were all a big scam, quit that but continued drinking. /headdesk
(If you had told me then that I would end up a poor, solitary, secret drunk in my 50s I would NEVER have believed you!)
By my late 40s, my drinking was a direct causative factor in two divorces, each of which left me somewhat impoverished. I had also stopped drinking in bars and in public by then, because I had gotten to the point where I often blacked out after just a few drinks and I was also getting into weird rages when blacked out. So, best to hide all that from people who knew me....also my tolerance started to go way down; I'd get blind drunk after relatively few drinks.
I had numerous silly attempts at "controlling" my drinking...only on Tuesdays (because trash day was Wednesday and I could get rid of the evidence the very next morning), only drinking beer or wine and so on. Of course none of that ever worked!
Early 50s: By then, I never drank in public and almost everyone who knew me thought I was basically a teetotaller. I explained away bloodshot eyes or dizzyness as allergies. By then, I would get up hungover and go to work, and hit the bottle on the way home. I gave up a lot of friends and hobbies because they got in the way of my drinking. If I DID have to go to some function and pretend to be sober, I prepared by having vodka stashed in my vehicle so the minute I was alone and driving home, I could start chugging. Again, if anyone had tried telling me 20 years ago I'd be doing this, I would have laughed hysterically: not possible, not ME! I'm successful, recognised in my field, I give fancy dinner parties, I have famous friends and people who like me, yada yada.
Guess what, today I am a drunk with few friends (because I blew them all off), a marginal business, and I can't afford to travel anywhere - in fact for the first time in my life I am without a valid passport. I'm not married and my "gentleman friend" is an alcoholic as well. I've lost two properties and only own the one I live in (and it's nothing special, believe me.) And my drinking is the proximate cause for all of this. Plus I have no health insurance currently, so although I appear to have been blessed with an iron constitution and feel absolutely fine, I actually don't know how I'm doing, really.
At 53, I made an earnest and heartfelt attempt to get sober, which lasted 2-3 months and then I drank heavily for 14 months until June 2012. This is me, now at 54, trying again. One of the crazy things? Outside of AA, there is nobody in my life I can tell, because my drinking had become such a solitary, secret thing. The few people I know who know I drink are also alcoholics who don't really want to quit.
If you're in your 20s or 30s and think you're still bullet-proof: you are probably not. Not if you keep on drinking....it only gets worse. Not better. My story is neither special or unusual. Aloholism is progressive. If I'd stopped drinking in my 20s or 30s, I'm convinced I'd be in a much better, happier and serene place today.