Hello MissShenanigans.
Allow me to share my experience. I stress the words my experience. Take from it what you will. I have recovered from alcoholism through the program of AA. What I learned is that I have a disease. This is not a behavioral issue it is truly a disease. What AA teaches and what medical professionals have come to accept is that Alcoholism is an illness with a couple of sides to it. On one hand it is a physical allergy to alcohol. I have an abnormal reactin to alcohol when I drink. It triggers a craving for more and all the will power I can musterup usually isnt enough to stop drinking once I start. Along with the allergy I have a mental obsession. No matter how badly I want to stop or how bad things got last time, I always end up with this strange mental blank spot in which I convince myself that this time will be different. THis time Ill control it.
So an alcoholic of this type is hopeless. An allergy that doesnt let me stop once I start and an obsession of the mind that wont let me stay stopped when I try.
THe program of AA offers a way out. It requires us to take a series of actions, the 12 steps, which ,when done, will provide us with a freedom from the obsession to drink along with sooo much more.
Again , just my experience, but I can relate to where you are at. I have been there. I know what it is like to end up drunk when only hours before I had swore that I was done or that I just did not want it any more. We are powerless over alcohol. Bottom line. If you can dig that you are on your way.
I wish you the best.
~BBThumper