MissShenanigans

Ok, so I have a major addiction to alcahol, as most people in this forum. I don't think I am different than anyone else, but after what led me to where I am now... I just don't get it! I was with my husband for 10 years, 6 of which was a nightmare. I tried to save him from his addiction to Oxycodone for what felt like forever. I had been completely alienated from all of my friends and family and I was miserable. Last Valentines day, was the beginning of my life. After being held hostage in my house with a man who was strung out and desperate, he tried to kill me, because of my refusal to give him another penny. He is now in prison and although it was a horrific day, it was the day I didn't die and was the first day I was free (or so I thought). Shortly after I found the man of my dreams. He's honest, loving and not controlling in any way. I was for the first time in years, able to have friends (without having all of my belongings destroyed or a physical altercation). I was happy, not bc I had found a guy who made me happy, I was just happy in general. I didn't regret my past, as a matter of fact, I consider it to be what made me realise how great life is and had a great contribution to my new outlook on life and how much I enjoy the little things in life. Well, I began having friends over for pool parties daily, I went out with my friends and thought "Wow, so this is what it's like to be aloud to have friends and drink, while hanging out by my own pool"! I had never enjoyed my pool before, because I had been convinced that my 5'4" body at just over 100lbs. was fat. Even though looking back now, I realize that I wouldn't have been a swimsuit model, if I were fat, right? I realized that I enjoyed drinking too and it felt great to cut loose and drink, I had never been aloud to before!
It's no longer daqueries or Margaritas, now it's straight liquor from the bottle. Here I am 18 months later.... I wake up everyday shaking, sick, hazy and mentally confused. Every morning I ask myself the same question "why did I do this to myself again last night, after I promised myself all day that I would't let myself feel like this?". I look in the mirror and not only am I disgusted with my puffy face, blood shot eyes, horrible skin and the 30 pounds that I put on in a year, but I don't know who I am anymore! The person I see in the mirror stole my face, my body and my self control. I never make it past 48 hours sober and 48 hours sober is usually bc I'm in bed sick from being so drunk the day or day and a half before. I lay in bed mad at myself bc I waste my days laying in my dark bedroom and my nights drunk. I don't even like the drunk feeling anymore! The first gulp feels great, the second usually does too... but then I feel like absolute crap! ... go to bed again, thenI wake up and repeat the process above. I hate this, I want my life back.

tacks

Hi Miss Shenanigans,

I appreciate you being so forthcoming and wish you well.

But i'm going to defer to someone with more sobriety than myself. I simply do not feel as if i'm qualified.

There are several people here whose insight and experience in this area is more than my own. Several folks whom i would trust to advise you well.

regards

tacks

MissShenanigans

Thanks Tacks, it was nice of you to reply. I admire you for your sobriety, keep up the good work! It felt kinda good for me to write the truth and read it when I was done...

bmwcycle

You are getting it! The truth that you speak of will feel so much better once you live it and not just write it.

You can change and you want to, the next step is to do it. You will never feel as free as you will once this crap is in the review mirror.

I rode the roller coaster that you are on for many of years, and can tell you first hand the view is better from the non-drinking side.

Best of luck

tacks

Hi Miss Shenanigans,

You're very welcome. Your post is more interesting than the work on my desk.



I'm far from perfect. Not like i have anywhere near the time that some folks here have.

I was thinking the same. It was good for you. A first step. And perhaps later down the road, when you meet up with the right people you'll be able to discuss it in person with someone.

regards

T

bbthumper

Hello MissShenanigans.
Allow me to share my experience. I stress the words my experience. Take from it what you will. I have recovered from alcoholism through the program of AA. What I learned is that I have a disease. This is not a behavioral issue it is truly a disease. What AA teaches and what medical professionals have come to accept is that Alcoholism is an illness with a couple of sides to it. On one hand it is a physical allergy to alcohol. I have an abnormal reactin to alcohol when I drink. It triggers a craving for more and all the will power I can musterup usually isnt enough to stop drinking once I start. Along with the allergy I have a mental obsession. No matter how badly I want to stop or how bad things got last time, I always end up with this strange mental blank spot in which I convince myself that this time will be different. THis time Ill control it.
So an alcoholic of this type is hopeless. An allergy that doesnt let me stop once I start and an obsession of the mind that wont let me stay stopped when I try.
THe program of AA offers a way out. It requires us to take a series of actions, the 12 steps, which ,when done, will provide us with a freedom from the obsession to drink along with sooo much more.

Again , just my experience, but I can relate to where you are at. I have been there. I know what it is like to end up drunk when only hours before I had swore that I was done or that I just did not want it any more. We are powerless over alcohol. Bottom line. If you can dig that you are on your way.


I wish you the best.

~BBThumper

MissShenanigans

Thank you for your insight tpwards AA, bbthumper. I am working on my plan to Sobriety Land and trying to figure out which vehicle will be the best to get me there. Maybe AA couls/should be part of it.

MissShenanigans

LOL Tacks, I suppose for the sake of your productivity, it is a good thing that I wrote the quick verson.

MissShenanigans

bmwcycle, I know that you are correct in saying the view from the from the non drinking side is better. I can still clearly remember those days. It is a double edged sword to me right now tough, bc I want it, but if I know it and I am able to look back and remember this, why isn't that enough to make me do it? I am sure that everyone in this position asks themselves the same question, over and over again.

tacks

MissShenanigans

By the way Tacks, I am also from PA (s-eastern)). I live in Florida now. However, I do plan on returning, once I am finished with my degree. I miss it like crazy! I was planning on visiting there durring the Spring this year, but didn't make it (bummer). I can't think of any place that is more beautiful in Spring or Fall! The last time I was there was durring the massive snow storm 2 (or 3) years ago.

tacks

Hi Miss S,

I haven't seen anyone suggest seeking out medical advice. I know that this is often helpful if not often almost completely necessary for withdrawal symptoms.

And about Pennsylvania, that's cool. From what folks tell me i do tend to take for granted the wonderful changing seasons that we have here.

There's others from PA on here. I once had an "off topic" conversation about where to get the best Philadelphia cheesesteaks.



"Recovery is often uncomfortable and difficult. But it doesn't always have to be. It's OK if you enjoy it." -- a counselor

regards

T

CarolD

Yes....a medical de tox is always wise...it's very dangerous to try
withdrawing from alcohol on your own.

Please check out this link for info and some of our expereinces..

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Change? Oh Yes! my recovery required many drastic changes
But by then...depression was daily..I detested the woman I had become....

At my doctors suggestion....off I went to AA and there I have
found a fantastic way of life...I quit drinking
Not once in these sober years have I regretted any of
those positive changes.

Yes we can and do recover....good to see you here..Welcome..

betterlate

You're doing very well by writing out your feelings about your drinking. Writing out how much I hated drinking was how I convinced myself not to drink on many an occasion. Keep doing that when you feel like drinking.