Originally Posted by
Mckmad 
Hi... I am new to this group, but not to the alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and low and behold if I haven't been married to one for 18 yrs.
There is a term for this, it's called Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACOA for short). I recommend you read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. You will be simply amazed by what you read in this book. I also recommend Al-Anon ACOA meetings. You can locate one here
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico. It is recommended that you go to at least 6 different meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is right for you. Personally, I can tell you, Al-Anon changed my life. For the better.
I moved out in December of 2010 into my own home and have one child (special needs) to whom is still at home with me. He is now in rehab and all three kids and I went to go to a family visit yesterday, now this went well and he seems happy, he even said he wanted to stay longer then the 40 days of treatment. Now my confusion is I as the wife am scheduled to go in there next week and tell him how I feel.
I am so glad to hear you moved out. I bet it is a lot of work to care for yourself, your special needs child who is living with you, your home, your job, your car, and all the rest of your responsibilities, isn't it? Each and every adult in this world is responsible for himself. When we take on the myriad responsibilities for an alcoholic or addict, life quickly becomes unmanageable, as I'm sure you are acutely aware. So, I hope you STAY moved out because I never expect an alcoholic or addict to be able to manage theirs lives very well. They very easily become a burden.
It is nice that the children could see their father struggle with this disease. I hope it sticks in their minds when they are presented with the choice to drink or not drink. I am glad to hear he is happy and wants to stay longer than the 40 days, but honestly, if I were you, I would not pay a single bit of attention to this. They will say one thing and do the complete opposite.
My thoughts are.... You are in here to work on you... Not our marriage, our marriage hasn't been an importance to you in the last 3 yrs so why now? If I go in there and let off on him, is that going to set him back? Aren't I supposed to be the good wife and sit there and shut up? Move back home when treatment is compleat to make my family whole again?
HIS recovery is NONE of your business. So don't let him MAKE it your business. If you do not want to go and speak with him, don't. If you do not want to get back together with him, don't. You are right, the marriage takes a back seat to the alcoholism, as do the children, and as does everything else.
I wouldn't go in there and release all my anger. What releasing all my anger does to HIM does not matter. The question is, what does releasing all my anger to him do to me? What it does to me is make me look like the insane one. Makes me look like I am the one with the problem, not him. It puts me back into the sick position of being the scapegoat, or taking all the blame. It gives the alcoholic the ammunition he needs in his mind to strengthen the BLAME he places on me for all the problems in the marriage and the family. When dealing with an alcoholic, there is no way to skirt the blame in their eyes. They HAVE TO have a scapegoat. They HAVE TO have someone else to compare themselves to. When you release your anger, you just give them the upper hand. Don't do it. Let go of your anger in healthy ways. Talk to your girlfriends. Go to the gym and punch a punching bag. Go to yoga and learn how to breathe again. Take a stress reduction class, or an assertiveness class.
No, you are not supposed to be the good wife and sit there an shut up. And no, you are not supposed to move back home. You are supposed to figure out for YOURSELF and your dependent child what kind of life YOU want to live. Whether or not you want peace and serenity, or chaos and confusion. You are supposed to formulate your goals and explore your dreams. You are supposed to live YOUR life the best you can, and take the very best care of yourself as you can, and let the alcoholic do the same for himself. I personally think that you sound like a people pleaser. Stop trying to meet everyone else's expectations, wants, and needs. YOU FIRST. Take care of YOUR expectations, YOUR wants, and YOUR needs FIRST.
(((hugs))) Hope something here helps.