Thankfully, you'll never have to go through this again, once you get back on track. Understandably, your emotions are all over the place right now. You've disappointed yourself, but you've learned something valuable too. Taking a chance on 'having a few' is never going to be worth the price we pay.
Hoping all is well with your mom. I've hurt and confused my family, too - but eventually everyone recognized that I was healing and getting well. There will be a happy ending, Eunectes.