Originally Posted by
lilyrosemary 
i can tell you, as an alcoholic woman, who is married to a "normie", about conversations we had along these lines. when we got married (we were both in our 40s) i asked him if my drinking bothered him, if he had any problems with it, to which he replied "not unless it interferes with our relationship." what he determined to be interfering didn't always coincide what i thought. anyway, the guilt that i experienced when he was so obviously turned off by my drinking perpetuated the already low self esteem i have had all my life. also, his rejection of me, my drinking, just plain made me feel rejected in my entirety. He was rejecting me as a person, all of me. made me feel like a bad person...again, hello, low self esteem, enter, 8-pack of beer. now, so much for defending my drinking, which isn't what i am trying to do here...i am just giving you a window to how i felt. what my husband could have done for me was to tell me how much he loved me, all the good things he thought i was, and how he wanted for us to have the best life we could, and maybe i could think about getting help. this is a just one woman's personal experience and by no means think that this is the answer for everyone or anyone else. i am sober now 2.5 years and we are married still, and very happy. just a few months ago i had to tell him how his behavior and rejection of me during those times made me feel because i still held resentments towards him because of it. he said he knows now he handled it poorly, but he never looked to anyone or asked for advice. male, female, whatever the case, we are all humans and the basic need for love and acceptance is inherent. all in all, i am thankful God brought a normie into my life and moved my heart, i am thankful for the turn of events that brought me to sobriety, whatever they were and are. God bless you, hug a drunk today.
I am so glad that approach would have worked for you, in your estimation, lil - and, it never hurts to try I am sure. I tried that - the I love you's, the reminders that it was not him that I didn't love but the drinking, the gentle and less gentle but honest 'get your butt in gear, get help, I will help you get help if you make that first move yourself' approach -with my husband however. It didn't work with him. He always knew I loved him, but, he is dead now - never found sobriety or peace in this life. He was always loved ... and accepted. The booze however, and the actions of the person he became under the influence ... not so much. He unfortunately did not love himself - and just as I could not control, cure and did not cause his alcoholism - I could never have (and knew it) fixed that for him either. He had to love himself first for my love to have had any supportive effect.
In your case ... I thank your HP (as I am sure your husband does) for bringing you back to your real self and giving you the strength to love yourself enough to go into recovery. I wish you a long, happy, sober life and marriage.
