I agree that she feels safe to say this because she does feel secure.
Alcoholism and the ACOA syndrome is all about secrecy, holding it in, acting like its all OK when it is not, and their emotional intelligence is telling them the truth, but their environment is one of extreme unspoken stress: Big Fat Elephants in the room.
I have said a few things to my son since he was rather young, and the one that I believe has been truly the most helpful for him is straight out of aloanon playbook.
He has repeated this to me, and to his little cousin even when they were just dealing with a difficult playmate:
"We cannot control what other people choose. We can only choose to find happiness no matter what others choose. Your dads choices are about HIM, not about you, or me. BIg people are still learning some things and your father is still learning how to make choices that are healthy for him."
When he has repeated this, he paraphrases of course, but he has said this to me when I became very upset at my RexAH. "Mama, you can only choose to fins a way to be happy no matter what daddy does. We can only control what we do. He does not know how to do some stuff. He is still learning."
It takes the stress out of their arena, and places it firmly at the feet of the adult. They dont get a 'bad mouthing'. But, they dont feel that unspoken stress and secrecy. .
I thought, maybe it is too much to give him at 5 or 6 or 4 years old. But, his Therapist disagrees, and feels we should trust the emotional intelligence. We speak the same way about children who make bad choices. "They are still learning, and all we do is make our choice in response."
When he related this to the cousin about the difficult child, he said, "Its OK, "sally", we dont have to get mad or upset because he is mad. We have a choice."
Another thing that helps him a lot has been for me to say, when his dad had let him down or mood swung and tried to ruin our day,
"I feel OK today. How do you feel? I am having a good day, even though daddy is making these choices. We dont have to know why he does those things, but we are still going to have our day. Our day is ours. His day is his."
This takes the stress away from the child, keeps them from all that awfulizing and wondering if mommy even knows how weird everything is.
I wish to HECK someone would have given me those skills when I was very young child, because, here I am, 38 years later, still unravelling the guilt and pain I harbored and shouldered, having thought that my dads illnesses were due to/ influenced by my behavior.
Ask her how she feels, and the therapist says, if they ever say they dont want to talk anymore, please respect that. Their brains are little, so a little tiny bit at a time.
You are doing great . The concern would be moreso, if she was absolutely silent and kind of playing at nothing wrong.
Her radar works, and you can give her MORE tools than you already do. This has really helped my son in his autonomy. I do the same when I am having a bad day, or he catches me crying.
I say, "it's OK. I am feeling some sad feelings. they will go away. You are having a good day?You are allowed to. Some times people let things out, but then they go on to have the rest of their day. "
Kids do understand that. Because it is NORMAL.
You are already doing great.