This morning as I prepared to take a shower and was slowly waking up I started remembering so many of my AV's arguments to get me to drink.
This comes to mind because on Sunday morning I had to go to the shoppette (which is where I used to purchase a good portion of my wine/gin/vodka/grand marnier) to get some lemon juice. The commisary was closed so I had no choice but to go to the shoppette. Of course, where is the lemon juice in the shoppette? In the wine/liquor aisle.
So it was all in my face. Still I did not succumb. In fact it was not until I was standing in line with my little bottles of lemon juice, my chips, my soda that the AV started whispering. "Why not get one of those little bottles? You can always take a wee sip. No one would ever even know. They're so cheap. You could cook with the rest of it"
Funny thing, I never even realized it was talking at first. It wasn't until I noticed I was salivating, looking at those damn bottles of E&J Gallo that I went "oh Sh*t!" with a capital S that I clamped down on that stupid voice.
This really pissed me off. And it made me realize how sneaky, how conniving, how damn SMART this AV is.
I remember when I was not actively abstaining or when I was abstaining just because I wanted to lose weight. How that voice would ARGUE for a drink tonight. I would give up for a week, a month, a few months, etc etc. And then, next thing you know that AV would start to talk.
I still find it amusing/annoying how many excuses my AV would use.
In fact now a days when I talk to my Mom I hear some of them and now, with my sobriety and my commitment to my sobriety I hear how silly they really do sound.
I used to tell myself that since I was always so uptight, so stressed out it was the only way I knew I could relax.
I would tell myself that since I worked sooooo hard I deserved a drink.
I would actually WORK myself harder to PROVE that I deserved that drink.
Crazy. Absolutely nuts.
When anything becomes this obsessive then you know something is wrong. I just wish I realized it 5 to 6 years ago. When I was much thinner. Now I'm fighting an uphill battle to drop another 25 lbs. Weight loss since my sober date of 14December? 34 pounds.
25 to go. I want to drop another 10 lbs before late August when my parents will see me. I really want to prove to my Mom that, yes, it IS the alcohol keeping the weight on her. (she likes to say it's because she's almost 60).
I know my old substance abuse therapist would tell me this is not worth even trying. It's a battle I cannot win. And I actually know it. But, I really want to do this.
Oh and by the way, never again, take Unisom on a weekday night. I feel like I'm hungover. Yuck.